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Showing posts from July, 2013

222: Denying My Existence

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Here a point I faced as reacting and judging myself for 'acting out' the personality suits of the Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the reactions and internal movements that exist within me as my mind and how I act them out and only once I have allowed myself to express myself as my mind, where I am not directive principle, but simply allow whatever to come up and out to do so – then react for ‘having a mind’ and all these various characters and personalities I go into and essentially 'act' out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a mind and internal mind movement as reactions and characters and personalities I present to others and then project this onto others thinking and believing ‘they’ are the ones judging me or fearing they are judging me instead of realizing that I have been judging myself and suppressing who I am as my mind to not have to take an active role in actu…

221: Trying to Secure a Moment

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of a moment in allowing a moment to end and a new moment to begin – as a breath, breathing in and breathing out and letting go of what was here but is now gone and so embracing the new moment of what is here

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define some moments as better or more special than others, where depending on what I am doing in a specific moment or who I am with or where I am and how I respond so that moment, in terms of how I react to it as either being positive or negative and thus how I feel about it – not want to let it go – so here defining some moments I share with others as better than when I am alone and thus not wanting to go into the alone moment and instead hold onto the shared moment because within that I define it as positive and fear of it ending

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk each moment as embracing what is here and no…

Day 220: What LIES Behind the Look

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A point I see within me recently is this point of self definition. How I define myself according to my physicalbody - it's shape, size and structure. No - not the practical, physical, functionality of it - the things that matter - but more the 'look' of it.

While I have been busy 'perfecting' my body as an image I present to others, I have began to question myself - what the hell am I doing. While I spend so much time 'developing' my body to be in accordance with the look I desire - the shape that I have accepted and defined as 'attractive' and 'beautiful' - I have failed to give any attention or focus onto the being that actually matters - the who I am within every single moment of every single breath I breathe. Is there integrity in such a being that values more the 'look' of the body rather than the physical support of it. I mean who I am within my desire to perfect my body - what are the reasons I am doing this? Where is this mo…

219: It's Only Me

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility as self investigation and reflection through writing, self forgiveness and self honesty through projecting myself, my process and ‘my points’ unto others in making my attention and focus unto others and what ‘they’ are doing and what ‘they’ are facing and how 'they’ must change – instead of realizing it’s ALL ME that I see within and as 'them'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore myself as abdicating my self responsibility to sorting out myself and who I am as the conditioned nature of myself as self interest in attempting to not have to face myself or sort out what I accept and allow as myself in each moment through existing in thoughts and back chats about others and their process and what they are doing or not doing and to within this blame them for how they walk their process instead of realizing I am projecting all of myself unto othe…

218: Tripping on Fear

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My summer school semester is coming to an end with one week left. The follow week I am going on holiday and the other night I kept waking up with the experience of fear and thoughts of the trip and fearing things were not settled and I would go on the trip not being prepared or missing something that I should have done before I left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my upcoming trip/holiday in feeling like I am not prepared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my upcoming trip/holiday because I fear I will not be prepared or have everything that I need – I think I will miss something or forget something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of fear when considering my upcoming trip yet within this not have a valid reason as to why I should be experiencing fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to quickly get to the day I will be going on my trip yet at the …

217: Addictions of the Mind - Missing and Hoping

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Here I am continuing from the previous post, going into self forgiveness in relation to the points I shared about some experiences I have been having this week since stopping my addiction, which has been a point of 'missing' and a sense of 'loss' as how one could relate to 'losing' a relationship and within that the experience of hope that one day I will be 'reunited' or be able to participate in the addiction again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship within myself towards a point (my addiction) outside and separate from me here to such an extent that when I remove/stop this relationship I go into an emotional experience of missing and a sense of loss - where I relate it to ending a relationship that I can no longer participate with and thus within this miss it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency towards something (my addiction) outside and separate from me here

216: Stopping Addictions = Ending Relationships

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I am well into Day 8 of stopping an addiction I once saw as so much greater than me. But man what a cool week I have walked, in stopping and standing up and seeing just how much of a distraction I was allowing within myself as my own addiction. So cool to stop and get back to reality and to the matters at hand.

There is an experience in relation to this stopping the addiction that I want to address - it's like the 'urge' to go into my addiction has become quite less and less, where I experienced it initially as a physical urge, then I saw how it was a mental desire in the form of thoughts and back chats attempting to justify the decision to go back into the addiction. I did not FALL for it.

So the decision still remain and I am still clear in what I must do/walk in order to get myself through this point of no longer being influenced by any point outside/separate from me here through my own participation and creation.

The experience I am seeing now within this - 8 days late…

215: Gripped in a Moment of Choice as Facing an Addiction

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suspend myself within my mind in a moment of time when/as I see myself hanging before the cliff as if I could easily fall into the addiction in which I am stopping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself, within my mind, making the decision to fall into my addiction through justifying reasons and excuses as to ‘why’ it is ‘ok’ and that I can ‘start over’ and to within this actually for a moment or several believe this and actually think I do not have a choice within my decision – as if I do not have the ability to in that moment, despite what my mind is showing me or what I am accepting in that moment, I can always change, I can always change my mind, I can always change my nature and no longer allow that point to exist within me as taking back directive principle – even though I realize how easy it is to NOT – to just trust the habitual ways of my existence that validate to me the ease I exper…

214: The Last Three Days is Evidence of a Four Year Process

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Three nights ago I decided to stop, in one moment, an addiction I had been long giving my power and authority to. The dependency I had created to this addiction as something outside and separate from me here was quite extensive from the perspective that I actually FEARED no longer having this point of addiction - and I feared stopping it and the process I had to walk to actually stop it. This fear was the justification I gave myself to not even try - to ignore the addiction I was allowing. I basically suppressed my responsibility and who I was within my addiction as the consequences it created as me within my habit of it.

So I stopped this and the self forgiveness I applied for the fears I was allowing grounded me and solidified my decision to stop this addiction. It has been three days since this moment/decision, like I said, and I have been walking since this moment with this anticipation and awe within myself of, "wow - am I really doing this? I can't believe I am doing thi…

213: Self Support through Stopping Addictions

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suppress the points coming up within me through NOT writing them out or applying self forgiveness for them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define looking at and addressing the points coming up within as the nature of thoughts, back chats, emotions and feelings as 'too much' and within this resist supporting myself within them as facing them instead of suppressing them - which would be to either write them out/self forgive them or just ignore them, pretend they are not here, push them down down deep and go alone with my day in doing something else

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'overwhelmed' within all the points coming up within myself as my mind - where I have basically removed my suppressor pacifier and now all the shit I have been hiding from and ignoring is coming to the surface and within this want to resist and suppres…

212: Conditional Expectations in Communication

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dissatisfied in communication with another in defining our communication as nothing of substance because we were talking about things I was not interested in and to within this think and believe another was avoiding something or resisting communication with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word communication and the physical action thereof to be within the limited definition of my mind as either being 'of substance or not' in defining it within certain topics or points where if they are not how i define them accordingly, then I will judge the communication and thus reveal I am not unconditionally here as myself as communication with another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rather communicated about specific topics that I have defined to be of 'more substance' as a limited judgment within my mind, instead of perhaps directing the c…