So here we are Day 3 of the 21 days of Breathing - and today was cool in regards to bringing myself
back more to myself here, as the breath. I was able to breathe through some points of resistance where I wanted to lay down mid-day and take a little nap. This is a relationship I have created that I am in conflict with, where I see myself go into my mind and tell myself "I want to lay down" and experience myself as tired, yet when I do this, I always see my dishonesty as I could have breathed through it yet never really supported myself to do so. And then later I see all the points I allowed myself to postpone or put off because of this desire to sleep, and this only compounds self judgments and guilt for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up within the experience I was accepting and allowing through my participation in the mind, not to mention the physical reality practical points that I accumulate in not 'keeping up' or 'staying with' certain responsibilities. So definitely see how I have used sleep to unnecessarily create conflict within myself and my reality. Or when I have pushed through such moments, I see that I can 'get through it' and the tiredness feeling goes away after a few moments. So I am not always effective in applying myself to breathe through the desire to sleep. Yet today I was and it was cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the thoughts that tell me, "I am tired' mid day, which is a pattern as a habit I have created within/as myself throughout my constant participation and following through as the thoughts direct and have not allowed myself to breathe through such moments, as I see/realize/understand that when I have breathed through such moments of tiredness, the experience would pass, yet because of my constant and continuation into accepting the experience of 'being tired' mid-day, I have given much power away to this point that it has become almost automatic and I realize that if I continue, I will only give it more and more power until it posses me and I have absolutely no say in what I have accepted as I have allowed myself to be a slave to my mind as the desire/experience/want to sleep to direct me and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain consistent in the application of taking back my self-power in saying, No - till here no further, and breathe in moments where I see myself wanting to go into the 'sleepy character', as I see the consequences I do/have created and I can no longer accept this and so I commit myself to prevent the consequences I create when I use sleep as a way to avoid my daily responsibilities and instead utilize myself as self-support to breathe, slow myself down, see the mind movement as the attempt to give direction, and decide for myself to not participate and instead bring myself back to self-direction as the breath, as the physical and move myself as pushing myself to stand up and continue on my day.
What I am realizing is that there are things that I can change within my day; that I have changed myself within these things throughout my day and there are some points that still require correction - yet I'm becoming aware of my ability to actually do it; walk through it, breathe and to no longer accept and allow a limited version of myself, but to actually begin to direct myself in deciding as me, here, what I am going to do or not going to do. So this is cool in seeing that I can be effective; that this process is effective and I will continue to walk patience as those points I still have troubles with. It's simply a matter of realizing that the stability I create within will become the stability reflected in my reality; so it's a decision, each moment to stand up and direct myself, breathe and move.
Along with the breathing, I also utilized an application suggested to me by another. I have been experiencing a lot of mind business in the last week or so and although I could see what was coming up, I didn't actually move myself to direct it. I mean I would stop myself in such moments and not participate, yet 'they' were just coming back again and again and again and so after a chat, it was suggested to write down every time something in regards to my most recent experiences came up - just write it down. And so today I did; each and every time I saw my mind move in regards to this specific points I am facing, no matter what I was doing, I stopped and I wrote it down and it was very much assisting. I have about 2 pages of internal back chats and mental projections and memories and thoughts sitting next to me just waiting for some self forgiveness, which I will apply for myself, but I saw just how supportive it was in getting it 'out' and onto paper/in the physical as they stopped coming up once I gave them direction; directing them onto the paper for me to get a good look at.
So cool support from the mind here in reminding me that all the shit going on 'up there' is 'here' for me to see/take responsibility for and change/correct and so it's not about ignoring or suppressing, it's about utilizing the Mind as a gift, a tool to support ourselves in seeing where we are still separating ourselves, where we are still giving value outside of ourselves, where we are still seeking an energy feeling, where we are still allowing beliefs and ideas to define us. The Mind is here saying, "Hey! HEY! Look at me, look at me, have a look at what I have here, as you - see what I am showing you, please sort me out! Oh no - don't you dare look away, here I am, knock.... knock... knock..." Trust me when I say these buggers are not going away until we deal with them. So all it takes is us willing to actually give it direction, helping ourselves help ourselves by taking some actions in the direction of seeing/forgiving/correcting what is necessary in ourselves/our world.
So today I am satisfied with my application and will continue to walk this, walk myself on this journey to life - to actually Living.
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