28 June 2012

2012: DIP into Guilt as Responsible for Another


WRITING:
Recently I have experienced the feeling of guilt in relation to my father. He has recently moved back into town and not had the easiest experience. There was some time where I was not communicating with him and had no desire to do so. I was angry at him for not being in my life and for coming back and angry for thinking he was expecting that I should just be there for him and have a relationship with him.

When I would hear things about what was going on in his life – I would feel guilty. As I took the responsibility for how is life was going – what was happening to him. I knew he just wanted to be close with me and have me in his life and because I wasn’t doin that – that was the reason he was have a hard time in life. And so within this – wanting to hang out with him out of guilt – guilt for not talking to him, guilt for not spending time with him – guilt for what was happening in his life and even for ‘who he is’ within all of it. Like he might not be supporting himself the best way possible and blamed myself because of this – like I was the cause of his having a hard time, I was the cause for his reactions and for everything he is experiencing.. so felt guilt for my actions or lack of actions to spend time with him being the reason his is the way he is currently.

So I can see where I am participating within the ‘morality’ of ‘right and wrong’. Where I define myself as being ‘wrong’ for not spending time with him or not even talking to him and within this feel guilty for that – so judging myself as being ‘bad/wrong’ within the idea that I am responsible for his experience and for his life.

I can see how there is no self responsibility within this and is actually out of self interest that I then want to spend time with him – to alleviate my experience of guilt, where I have accepted responsibility for him and believe I must do this in order to ‘make things right’ in his life and within himself.

SELF FORGIVENESS:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt in relation to my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my father for not being in my life while I was growing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto anger towards my father for coming back into my life after so many years of not being a part of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for not being a part of my life while I was growing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my father for returning to my life and belief he expects to be a part of my life after not being a part of it while I was growing up and blame him for this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my father expects me to be here for him to support him in is life because he came back to town and wants to be a part of my life and within this blame him for the belief I have of him doing so and spite him within my mind saying, “You weren’t there for me, I don’t want to be there for you”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite my father within my mind as back chat when I tell myself I don’t have to support him because he did not support me – revealing the evil nature within myself of the starting point I allowed to be the reason I am not supporting my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto resentments and anger towards my father and myself for allowing him to come back into my life and believe he does not disserve to be in my life and within this starting point, act out in ways as a way to protect myself and show him I am not ok with the decisions he made in life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a victim to my father and his decision to leave when I was a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the past as being a child when my father left, and carry this with me in my whole life and now that he has return, still existing within the memory of him leaving and want him to pay for leaving me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the spite within me towards my father, instead of realizing the poison it actually is and has no effect on my father, only myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to poison myself with spite towards my father for him leaving when I was a child and for now that he has returned


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself accountable and responsible for my dad and his experience within his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my father’s life and experience as my responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the feelings of guilt within myself as I have taken responsibility for him and his life and defining myself as being responsible for it and when I hear it is not going well – feel guilt as if I am the reason for himself and his experience and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am responsible for my dad and his experience and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because my dad came back into my life and wants to be a part of it – that I am responsible for the struggles he might have within himself and his life because I have believed that if I do not speak or spend time with him – then he is not happy and thus I am responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am responsible for my father’s happiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as guilt when I would hear about my fathers life and experience and define it as ‘not good’ and thus blame myself as the cause and reason he is having a hard time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I spend more time with my father he will have a better experience within himself and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe because I was not speaking or spending time with my father that that was the reason he was having a hard time within himself and his life – instead of realizing that I am not the source/cause/origin of anyone outside of myself as I realize I am only responsible for myself and thus realize/see/understand that my father is responsible for himself, his experience and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my fathers life and experience as ‘sad’ and ‘difficult’ with a negative charge wherein I then feel ‘bad’ and guilty for his experience, instead of realizing that without these definitions defining my experience, I would realize that he is responsible for himself and his life as I am responsible for me and my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the starting point of/as guilt as believing I am responsible for my father and his life and within this starting point, want to hang out with him, in believing that if I do, he will feel better and he wont have such a difficult time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within the starting point of/as the energy of guilt as a feeling I have generated within myself through my mind with the ideas that I am responsible for my dad and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this feeling I have created and generated within myself through my mind as ideas and beliefs that I am responsible for my dad and his life, is real and thus participate with it in accepting it is real as I decided to hang out with him out of the starting point of/as guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved within myself and my mind to make a decision to hang out with my father within/as guilt that I created and generated as feelings within myself through my mind as the ideas and thoughts that I am responsible for my father and thus I forgive myself that I Havent yet allowed myself to be the decision within/as equality and oneness as life as who I am here as the breath to always be the starting point from which I move and live and speak and share and walk my life, within realizing this is stopping the separation I have accepted within myself as accepting the mind to be who I am, instead of realizing it was leading me, so I was not directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and accept guilt within myself as being responsible for my father and his life and within this want to talk to him – as a way to make myself feel better within self interest, as the negative feeling of guilt I experienced was not enjoyable and thus to relieve myself from this experience, want to hang out with him –within believing it will make his experience of himself and his life better and thus I will no longer feel guilty for how he is living his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self responsibility to who I am and how I experience myself and how I live in this reality through projecting this responsibility onto my father, instead of realizing I cannot change anyone, I can only change myself and thus I allow myself to take full responsibility for who I am here and thus allow others to realize they are also responsible for who they are here and how they live this life and thus allow myself to be an example for others to see we require to take responsibility for ourselves and for this reality to create a reality that is in fact best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the polarity of being ‘wrong’ for not spending time with my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the polarity of being ‘right’ when I do spend time with my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within the polarity of ‘right and wrong’ through defining the actions of spending time with my father and not spending time with my father as ‘right or wrong’ – instead of seeing/living self honesty as self responsibility within every moment and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself within the ‘morality’ of ‘right and wrong’ through judging myself when I am ‘wrong’ and praising myself when I am ‘right’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define not talking to my father within the polarity of ‘wrong’, instead of seeing who I am as the starting point for not speaking to my father and thus taking self responsibility to ensure that I am here as the decision within equality and oneness to direct the decision made to not speak to him, and not allow feelings or emotions of the mind to be the directive force that tells me how to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define speaking to my father within the polarity of being ‘right’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and judge myself as bad within the polarity point of morality where I define myself as being ‘bad’ for not speaking to my father and thus then accept responsibility for his life as being the reason for his experience, instead of realizing he is responsible for himself and his life as I am responsible for myself and my experience within this life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self interest as a way to alleviate the guilt experience I Have created within myself through the acceptance that I am responsible for his life and when I see he is having a hard time, feel bad and guilty as if I am the creator of his experience and life and thus desire to spend time with him to make myself feel better in hoping that this is cause him to have a better life experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I Have the ability to change another experience within themselves, instead of realizing I am still walking the process of changing my experience within myself and my life and thus my responsibility is here as me to stop all forms of separation within the mind as ideas and thoughts and experiences of polarity that split myself into two poles wherein I create friction as energy to feed my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am able to ‘fix’ another’s life when I have not proven to be able to be responsible for me and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that until I am able to be responsible for myself and my life, I will not be able to support another within themselves and their life


When and as I see myself taking on the responsibility of another and their experience and their life – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to my physical body which is where I am responsible or myself as life and thus stop the projections of the mind that tell me I am responsible or another when I have not yet taken full responsibility for myself and thus I commit myself to walking the process of take self responsibility for who I am here as life to then be able to live as an example for others as support for them to take responsibility for themselves and their lives within realizing this is the only way we will change this world, when all take self responsibility for themselves as an equal participant within humanity here on earth

When and as I see myself accepting guilt within myself as taking responsibility for another and their life – I stop and I breath and I bring myself back out of the mind of ideas that I am the cause/source/origin of another’s life and experience and allow myself to realize and live the realization that I am the cause/source/origin of who I am here in every moment within this life and thus take that responsibility to be the change as I realize I am only able to change myself

When and as I see myself existing within the starting point of guilt for another within taking the responsibility of their life unto myself – I stop and I breathe and I see the self interest within this in my attempt to alleviate my experience I Have created as guilt – I stop this separation and stand here with/as my physical body within/as equality and oneness and do not allow emotions or feelings generated by the mind to direct me within the decisions I make in this life

When and as I see myself separating myself and accepting life to be of polarity wherein I define mysel as ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ I stop and I breathe and bring myself back here to/as the breath wherein I realize that Life is NOT polarity – and because I have accepted polarity, which is of the mind, I have created polarity within myself and within this world, equal and one, and thus I stop all forms of separation as me through stopping the morality/polarity of ‘right and wrong’ and ‘good and bad’ and see life in/as equality and oneness as self responsibility within self honesty to no longer live within the conflict of feelings and emotions and instead make the living statement of who I am here as Life as what is best for all

REDEFINING THE WORD: Responsible


1. Gathering information:

a. Establishing self’s allocation point – Within the word Responsible– I see the definition I have given it to mean, ‘accountability’ and to ‘uphold’ something. I see myself as being the one in charge of something if I am ‘responsible’ and thus the cause or origin of anything that I am responsible for and thus responsible for any outcome or consequence of that which I am responsible for or ‘in charge of’. An obligation. A duty.

b. Dictionary Definition –
Responsible:
adjective
1.answerable or accountable, as for something within one'spower, control, or management (often followed by to or for): He is responsible to the president for his decisions.
2. involving accountability or responsibility: a responsibleposition.
3.chargeable with being the author, cause, or occasion of something (usually followed by for ): Termites wereresponsible for the damage.
4.having a capacity for moral decisions and therefore accountable; capable of rational thought or action: Thedefendant is not responsible for his actions.
5.able to discharge obligations or pay debts.
.



b. Sounding the word : Responsible – Response able, – Respond able, – Respond civil
Re – sponge – able, re sponge bible (soaking up the morality of responsibility programmed by society as polarity and control)

2. Investigate the information of the word that has been gathered

Does the definition within the different aspects that you have gathered as information of the word, carry a polarity charge (is it made ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’)?


• Your own personal experience with this word
When I see myself living ‘responsible’ – I see myself like ‘taking on a task’ or ‘obligation’ like within the word I am powerful or that person or thing I am ‘responsible’ or. So within this I see the point of fear – of failing the ‘responsibilities’ I have – as if I am uncapable or fear of making a mistake with the power of being ‘responsible’. So it’s like this idea of responsible being this ‘big’ thing that I have to now ‘take on’, so creating it to be more then me that I feel inferior to.

• How you have interpreted the word as ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’
-Negative/bad – as I can see it as an ‘obligation’ where there is fear of not being ‘good’ at it and failing the responsibilities I have.

• What associations do you have with the word? Fear – fear of not being able to be responsible for something, like I have this power within myself in what I am responsible or and so there is fear of not doing a good job. There is a resistance to the word as well, like responsible is an obligation – wherein I do not want to be responsible for anything as then I am accountable within whatever comes of my being responsible for something/someone. It’s like the idea of ‘being in charge’.

• Do you feel better or worse when you are using or experiencing this word? Better and worse. As the underlying feeling of the word is fear of not being being ‘good’ at being responsible and failing within the power I have over something/for something but also better as I have shown through these words, having that ‘power’ over something – so like being in charge of something, holding the ‘cards’ so to speak.

Self Forgiveness on the word
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word responsible within separation of myself through defining it within my mind to be as the polarity of ‘negative’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the definition of responsible in separation of myself through defining it as a feeling or experience of ‘being powerful’

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to live the definition of responsible in separation of myself through defining it within my mind as a feeling of being in charge of something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a negative feeling to the word responsible through defining it as fear of failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word responsible through seeing it as something greater then me that I have to be in charge of

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being/living the word responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word responsible in separation of myself as being something I do/live outside of myself to/towards another or something outside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysel to see the word responsible through the mind as being something outside of myself that I must to/be for something else or another

I forgive myself that I Havent yet allowed myself to realize that responsible is who I am here in every moment of breath – being responsible for myself as what I accept and allow within myself as my mind and what I accept and allow as who I am in how I live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define responsible as something outside of myself that I fear not doing well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define responsible as being something that if I do well, then I will be seen as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define responsible as being something that if I don’t do well, then I will be seen as bad

I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to define responsible as being something that I must do to prove myself to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word responsible as being separate form me here instead of realizing to live responsible as who I am here as the living word – is to be within/as physical equality and oneness as the breath – becoming responsible for myself in each moment to ensure I am directive within/as myself and not allowing the minds programming of thoughts, feelings and emotions and memories to direct me in my life and who I am


I delete these definitions and stand clear within and as the word responsible – removing the polarity of negative charge and allow the word to be innocent without memories or beliefs or ideas within it that do not support me or what is best for all

3. New definition

Writing the definition: Responsible – the ability to respond within myself and within my life within this world to ensure that I am self honesty in each moment, as being here, present with each breath that is equal and one with/as this real reality. Responding to myself and my world with the ability to see/live self honesty in every moment as breath to ensure I create within myself and in this world reality that reflects who I really am as Life. Responding to the responsibility of LIfe



4. Checking the definition

a. Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?
Answer: no

b. Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?
Answer: yes
c. Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?
Answer: yes