15 March 2011

Day 2

I almost forgot to come here and write. How conveinent that would be for me.

So today was tough. Tough in my allowance - and I allowed much resistances and emotions within my experience.

I am starting the realize the importance of Self Honesty - in doing that which is true for Self, and in my case, it's my SRA work and relating that to time with my partner.

I tend to in the past and some moment's currently I see is coming back, where I find myself not being able to balance myself in relation to my relationship/agreement with my partner, and my relationship/agreement with myself.

I didn't realize this was the point - but it is. I realize it's just as important for me to be with myself, doing the things I need to do, taking care of the responsibilities that I have, spending time with myself, being comfortable with myself, because ultimately, I am always with myself, so if I am not able to be with myself unconditionally, then how can I expect to be with another. I can't. The Equation always starts with me.

So, I tend to say F U to myself, in the things I need to do, the responsibilities that I have, and focus all my attention onto the other person. Like giving up completely myself to this agreement, which I can see is not Self HOnesty. It is not, because then I find myself in moments where I'm conflicted with things I need to get done and then this desire to stay with my partner.

I could be more specific here.

I told my partner today I would be working on my SRA stuff, because I have been putting it off, and I needed to get it done. Which was fine, and the plan was to start in after breakfast, so we would not be spending the day together. Well then I decided that I wanted to stay a little longer with him.  SO I did. Yet, after a bit, he started planning to all this other stuff, and I found myself and my experience to be very unpleasant. I become like impatient and like resentful towards him for 'wasting time' - when I know in fact the point here for me to see is that I am resenting ymself for not being self hoenst in moments where I decide to allow self interest to guide me to focus and spend all my time within my agreement, and completely disregard myself and my work and other things I need to get done. So when I do not allow myself to be self honesty and take care of the things I need to take care of, I become angry and resentful... all showing me that i'm being dishonest.

I feel like this writing is all over the place.

The point also being, to make a decision and stick with that decision. Take care of mySELF, and not be concerned about 'hurting' the other person. Because I realize that this is a belief and an excuse I use to justify my dishonesty. I use my partner and the potential of him being upset with me for not wanting to hang out as a way to justify my reasoning for not doing work that could be done.

It comes done to Me.
Being Self Honest and finding practical ways to support myself with doing what needs to be done. Balancing the equation and not spreading myself so thin. Realizing that when I support myself in Self Honesty, I am doing what is Best for All.