Kristina's Journey to Life

A point to consider when walking a process of change... it's not only about changing within. Changing without has just as much of an impact on the overall process, and impacts as changing within. I realized this quite some time ago, and in a way felt as if I started from the 'without' to the 'within'. What does that mean? The 'without' as the external reality - how you interact with your physical environment - the people, the animals, the buildings, anything that is physical, that's external. And the 'within' is the inner reality - your emotions, feelings, thoughts - whatever goes on within you that others cannot see, but you are mostly, well aware of. So when saying 'changing the without' is just as impactful as 'changing the within' - this is what I mean. When you change HOW you interact with your external, can have an impact on how you interact with the internal. A great example of this was giving in a new Eqafe Rec...

Imagine someone standing in front of you. They are asking for help. They want you to do something for them, to help get them free.  On their right wrist, there is a handcuff, bound tightly around it. Extended from the handcuff is the metal chain making its way to their right, to the matching handcuff, wrapped around a metal pole. It is forever secure; unbreakable. There is no freeing them without the key.  The person looks at you, pleading with you, begging you to help them. To save them. To do something to free them. Because to them, you are their saving grace. Without you, they will never be free.  As you look into their eyes you see the deep, hidden pain and helplessness, the belief they are forever locked up. You see their urge to break free, to stand as a life fulfilled, they see the hope, their only chance, within you...  You start to glance down toward their left hand. Slowing taking notice of their free shoulder, their free arm, their free wris...

This is again in relation to the new work environment and relationships I have been recently writing about. I noticed particularly strong reactions towards one specific co-worker in the new environment, and after a few days of this strong reaction/ experience in relation to them, I started to see 'them' as having something wrong with them... like something 'wasn't right' about them; they couldn't be trusted. It was like I saw them as a problem and who they are as a problem like they were shady in a way and thus THAT'S WHY I experienced myself so conflicted in relation to them. So they essentially acted as a trigger, which conjured up all these reactions, judgments, self-doubts, worries up within me, and yet I saw them as causing it. Not at all stopping, slowing down, and realizing IT'S WITHIN ME. And so I made it personal... personalizing the trigger as something more than simply my mirror - me seeing directly into me, and so having nothing, in fa...

This is a follow up to the previous blog as it relates to the new work environment, the new people in my environment, and the experiences that thus comes up from it. Following the nuisance idea of me, came the feeling inferior, and inadequate, and that others were impatient with me and within that - blame towards them for having such feelings towards me, when all the while the feelings exist within ME and so I am alone responsible for them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another when I feel as though they are being impatient with me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another when I feel as if they are seeing me as dumb I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another when I feel as if they are making me inferior to them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another when I feel as if they are assuming I am inadequate I fo...

I recently listened to an Eqafe audio recording regarding the point of Purpose, and Meaning in one's life - and for me it was an awesomely supportive recording because I have walked quite a process, a lifetime with this exact point, and it was only in this past year where I started to find some stability, understanding, and the ability to let go within it. Let me explain a bit more. I grew up with spiritual and religious teachings and as those that have as well, know there is something about one's meaning and purpose in life... in that, there is meaning and purpose. There is a reason... there is a plan... there is a direction... there is ONE way one must go to fulfill one's life purpose. Or at least that is what I thought, and that idea existed within my mind for so long until eventually it started created consequences in my life. Let me again explain a bit more. Growing up I believed there was something specific I was here to do. Here meaning in this life. And...

I recently started a new job so I'm in a new environment with new people, learning new tasks and responsibilities. And immediately what I saw within the first few days of starting was this growing fear of being a nuisance and in the way of others - being a bother to them, because I don't know the system of the job, as I'm still learning it, and so I in a way see myself as 'fucking up the flow' of the office.... And I realize here it's not actually about how others see/experience me. It's absolutely about how I see/experience myself and I have for a long time seen myself as a bother, or being in the way, or a nuisance to others. Well no more. I am grateful to see this experience first hand in this new environment as I can better look, dissect, and dismantle the hold of fear has. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting in people's way at work I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a b...