Kristina's Journey to Life

I am currently busy walking the EQAFE Atlantean Series "Giving Up" . I highly recommend this series, as well as any series on Eqafe, but specifically the Atlantean's as they present a step-by-step guide on 'how to' understand and correct specific emotions/feelings we face throughout our lives. So the first interview was insightful and supportive for me, because although I was able to identify the 'giving up' thoughts that were coming up in relation to a specific point I am facing in my life - what I was able to see more clearly through listening to the interview was the trigger of this giving up play out within my mind which came from an initial reaction to a point in my life that was negative in nature, and from there I activated this 'giving up' construct within/as me. It was quite a heavy experience this past week as this specific energy/emotion was coming up as wanting to give up. That is why I am so grateful for the Atlantean series, as

I am continuing here from the previous blog in relation to a memory/experience of when I was a child in dance class, being put in the back row and interpreting this as a personal thing against me, as implying I was not good enough to be in the front row. Here the corrective statements and realizations to live by, as I can see just how much that one moment from my childhood defined/influenced the rest of my life. When and as I see myself interpreting another's actions or words towards me or in relation to me, as something personal, specifically as it implying I am not good enough - I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how since my childhood, from one moment of accepting and allowing myself to take it personal when my dance instructor put me in the back row, as implying I was not good enough to be in the front, I carried this self-belief and idea about me that I was somehow not good enough as who I am, and that my place belonged in the back - simply from accepting

In yesterday's blog , I wrote about a memory that was an initial moment in my life where I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, based on the actions of my dance instructor - putting me in the back row and misinterpreting this as meaning I was not good enough to be in the front row. What I see more clearly since writing it out is how that has been a major experience throughout my life - always feeling I must and should 'stay in the background', in a way hide out and not make myself visible. The idea of 'stepping up' or 'stepping out' and drawing any kind of attention to myself would trigger self-judgments and this idea that I'm not good enough to be seen, or heard, and so rather stay 'in line' and 'in my place' of being in the back row. This has obvious consequences in my life such as suppressing myself in a moment where I could speak, or act, or share myself and instead I will remain silent and as less noticeable as possi

Recently I have been facing/seeing more and more the self-judgments that I seem to allow to prohibit me in every aspect of my life . Whether it's work, social interactions, an online presence, or in my relationships , self-judgments seem to be the one point I allow to keep me diminished and locked down into a specific stance of inferiority wherein the ability to move me, in whatever it is I decide to do, is hindered by this idea of me that "I'm just not good enough." I see how much these judgments effect my ability to move me, such as a fear that no matter what I do, it will always be no good; like I will always come up short, missing something, and somehow worse than the 'other guy.' So perhaps if my starting point was based in equality and oneness , and not competition as separation, this experience would not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgments I make about me/all aspects of me

Ever notice yourself see someone's name and immediately you are convinced you know who that person is, simply because of how you defined, or reacted, or perceived that name to be? This is something that came up within me recently, and what I realized is just how much we project ourselves unto EVERYTHING of this existence. Whether it's a person, or a place, or even a name - the ideas, reactions , experiences, everything we feel about something or someone, defines who WE are, not who the person or thing is. And so even with a name - how I define the name, how I experience the name, whether I see it as something familiar or different, it's ALL me - yet we so conveniently think we are 'seeing' who another person is based on what their name is. But no - it really does reveal exactly who we are and what we accept and allow. So the following is the self forgiveness applied for the reaction I had seen within myself in relation to another's name. I forgive myself t