Kristina's Journey to Life

This blog is in relation to a polarity play-out I have had within myself/my mind , wherein in the past couple years I have had this experience of 'missing' and 'longing for' a past relationship . It is what I would consider obsessive. Thoughts always popping up and running, consuming many moments inside my mind about this past relationship . As of recently - the opposite polarity has shown its face. Wherein instead of having this feeling of "I miss him, I want to see me, maybe... someday..." now it's this "He's not worth it, I'm better off without him." So in allowing this negative feeling of, "I miss him and I feel sad about it", reaching for and creating/accepting this positive polarity energy of "I am better off without him, he's not worth it" and so building myself up in my mind as being better then the experience I had before. So what this point is supporting in allowing me to see is how specifically

This blog is in relation to 'past memories' of 'who I was' and what I accepted and allowed within interacting with others. There is regret when looking at these memories, for who I was, what I did and what I didn't do. Even for how I judged the other person and allowed these judgments to direct me in ending the relationship . So regret for who I was in a past relationship/interaction with another for accepting and allowing my mind as thoughts , feelings , emotions , and judgments to direct me in making the decision to stop contact with this being. It was all self interest - only considering myself in the interaction/ relationship - not being self honest about my experience, only accepting the way I was and not at all considering to communicate about it with the other person. Very selfish, as I was acting out within what I wanted or did want, what I felt or didn't felt and what I wanted to do or didn't want to do - it was all about me, again - not

Day 72 – Sept 8th 2012 Today I worked and did not want to be there and when the chance came for me to go home early – I took it. Without considering the fact that I require to work in order to have money and the more money I have in this world – the more I am able to move and get shit done. So – it was not in the best interest of me/all to go home early – yet I allowed laziness to take over and ‘gave in’ to the point of ‘not wanting to work’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when given the opportunity to go home early, react immediately with a yes, without taking a moment to actually consider the reality of the situation and consider the fact that while I am in school, I am not working as much, and without money, I cannot do much, like survive – and thus was not considering what was best in that moment of deciding to go home early, only was ‘feeling’ and ‘experiencing’ laziness and tiredness and decided based on this self-created experience to go home

Recently I have been experiencing this point in relation to no longer placing emphasis on the way that I look, and more about ' who I am ' in my day to day living. More specifically in looking at past relationships , I see how I existed on autopilot where I was in no way concerned about who I am as a living being, but only cared about the presentation of myself, the way that I looked, physically... the shape of my body, the structure of my face, the way my hair looks, and I wondered what is it that kept the relationships in my life... What I realize is that I fear it’s been just my looks that have attracted relationships to me and behind that, I have nothing to offer. That is what I have counted on and depended on and only cared about as a way to ‘get through’ life. Looking deeper within this - my fear is that I am unable to be effective in communication and relations with others, that i Have nothing to offer, that all I have valued is the way that I look to 'get wha

Today I was distracted by my clothes. My shirt kept clinging to me and so I had this experience of being uncomfortable – like I was not satisfied… more specifically, did not feel ‘good’ in regards to how I looked, especially to others, and kept obsessing about my shirt. Also – my hair was not looking ok to me today, and again, was distracted by it… and the whole experience I can see is rooted in this fear of how others see me/desire to be seen as beautiful , or at least attract ive enough to catch someone’s attention. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself away from being here as the breath, as life living self honestly, with thoughts about my clothes not sitting on my body to my satisfaction I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through going into my mind and obsessing about my clothes and how they were being worn on me, and reacting to their ‘staticness’ and relating that to an experience

All day yesterday I was consumed with the desire for attention of a guy – a point of focus I could zoom in on to keep me busy – to keep me entertained. Looking for energy to get me excited and feeling like I want to live. Fuck – that’s sad. I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reason for life is the idea of love found between 2 people I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never question the relationships that currently exist within this world, when we claim ‘love exists’ between 2 people, and yet the world around us shows something else, I never second guessed it and got in line to be the next one up – to win the jackpot that found love in this world, to feel good and not have to face the reality of our existence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the casino system of relationships –where some win big with believing they are in love, and others stay in hope , waiting for their chance to

I don’t want to write , and the excuses coming up are, “I’ve been in school all day, I just want to relax” and “I have a head ache, I just want to lay down” and “I want to go to bed early to ensure I get up early tomorrow and break this habit I have been creating of staying up late and getting up late in the day” And so seeing these thoughts as persuasive, I almost gave in… yet I wont give up, and I will remove this until only I remain, the I that is here as breath that decided who I am and what I do, and no longer allowing my mind to direct me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing as the back chat of, “I’ve been in school all day, I just want to relax” within believing that I am actually too tired to take the time and support myself in writing myself out, to make sure I am clear and direct myself and not being a slave to the mind telling me what to do I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to tempt

Today I had lunch with a friend. We got together after about a year and a half of not seeing or speaking to each other. I didn’t think it was for any particular reason, yet she did bring up the point of how I was a bit forceful with her about the ‘desteni point’ and that she seemed at some point she had enough. And said that she was glad to see a change in me, wherein I was speaking about how I realize I cannot change anyone, it’s not my responsibility to, I can only live as an example. And so looking at this point, or I should say character – I can see it prominent in my life. More so since I came across the LOA and even into desteni . I would be “this is how it is and you must realize this – see this, realize this” and I would be telling them and telling them without telling myself, and applying it myself and actually living it myself. And I can see while being so busy concerned with whether ‘someone else’ gets it – I miss the point myself – am I getting it? Because I realize that w

There is resistance to place a blog – because I feel these points are ‘too personal’ and don’t want to expose them to others. Don’t want others to see . I realize it’s me I don’t want to see – and it’s me not wanting to expose myself to myself and so trying to protect the image I created No – because there is still judgment s towards myself for the things I exists within myself in my mind I don’t want to share it because I am ashamed of it – which obviously indicates self dishonesty. As why would I be ashamed of my inner reality if there wasn’t something that I was hiding, keeping secret, using and abusing others within – if my inner reality reflected that which is best for all – equality and oneness, and common sense practical reality insights – then there would be nothing to hide. Yet there exists still reactions and judgments and back chats about other people and blame and I am ashamed for still having these points. Yet I realize – that to be ashamed of myself or in judgmen

What I am realizing in the last couple days since a relationship of mine has ended – is that I have no motivation to do anything. And I considered that the ‘energy’ of relationships is what moves me in this life . Like After we ended the relationship, I was desperately seeking within my mind trying to find someone I can latch my attention to and be my focus to ‘keep me going’ as the energy of excitement and desire. I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is dependent upon the energies of desire and excitement I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need something or someone outside of myself to be my focus as providing me with energy as desire to ‘keep me moving’ in this life I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of relationships I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek within my mind people that I can focus my attention onto withi