28 August 2017

556: What Are We Missing when We Judge our Bodies?

Last night I had a dream I was pregnant. I was full term, but the belly seemed somewhat under developed. I actually enjoyed the experience and overall I was content within the dream in relation to being pregnant. Though at one point I lifted my shirt and noticed a bruising/wilted part of the belly, below my belly button. I immediately reacted with guilt and shame for my allowing such negligence that I would have created this. I was concerned for the baby, and the damage I had done. I thought that I did it from working as a server, constantly leaning over tables. I was so disappointed in myself. But then I read something from a doctor that said such a thing was expected, and I had medication even for the bruised area – like a cream to rub on it. I was so relieved.

As I was telling my partner about this dream, he mentioned it was interesting that the bruising was around my stomach area – that that part of my body was seen as damaged, and neglected and within that, I felt shame and disappointment.

It’s interesting because I have such a type of relationship with my body – my stomach always being a point of focus where I think it’s not good enough, or not quite up to standards. And even recently in gaining some extra weight, feeling more and more uncomfortable with my stomach. There is absolutely judgments and perhaps, as the dream indicated, there is deeper shame and guilt for the type of abuse I allow within myself in relation to my stomach, and overall my body. Where I push it to be looking a standard that others say is acceptable, and I am ultimately never able to fulfill and so dissatisfied.

Perhaps there are deeper feelings of disappointment that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly, to judge my body so much, to compare it to others, to an unrealistic standard and so creating a constant state of disappointment.

And the kicker – the amount of value placed on my body/stomach in what I think it SHOULD look like is used to define myself personally. As if the size of my stomach actually determines the type of person I am is like saying the color of someone’s skin, or the color of their eyes do. And yet I’ve accepted such a definition and believe that some are better and others are worse simply based on the shape of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the shape of my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the shape of my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body shape as ‘not good enough’ through comparing it to others I define as ‘good enough’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and judge my body to an image outside/separate from me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is ONE WAY a body must look and that way is the ONLY way it can be defined as nice/good/attractive and if it is not that, then it’s a not good enough/failing and a disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the idea of how my body should look rather than seeing it for real, in it’s purest expression as a physical, functioning system that gives and sustains ME and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through expectations I have on it created throughout the years of accepting images outside of me as ‘what I should look like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself in a way in not living up to a standard I accepted as societies standard of what a beautiful body is

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define my body as beautiful as the amazing natured expression it is that moves and functions and exists despite the constant beratement put on it from me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor my body as my temple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I see my physical body through focusing in on only one part of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my body defines who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my body through focusing only on the parts I am not satisfied with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant state of comparison and sizing myself up in relation to others and their bodies and putting myself as either better or worse than them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be told and accept what is beautiful and what is not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than within who I am because my body does not fit into the picture image of what we are told a body should look like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body prohibits me from expressing myself within my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the size of my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hate towards my physical body – the one expression on this earth that gives to me unconditional life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself within/as my body as being allowed to exist here within/as it and not yet develop a relationship with my physical body that is harmonious and best for it and for myself as the being within/as it

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to align to my physical body completely and totally – not realizing my body is a universe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cut myself off from the totality of my physical body as a universe, where every atom and every cell exist collectively to stand as this physical body I have been gifted with and to within that, not realize the potential I have to understand and get to know my physical body in all its parts – all the atoms and  all the cells… are alive. It is Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize the potential of life as it exists within the very substance of/as my physical body

When and as I see myself judging my physical body and more specifically my stomach, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the limitation and enslavement I am accepting and allowing in such a state of judgment that I’ve created through comparisons and the belief that there is only one type of body that is beautiful. I commit myself to thus stop all judgments as they arise and focus rather on the physical body breathing – the actual movement and expression of what my body is as what actually matters

When and as I see myself focusing in on the parts of my body I don’t like, like my stomach, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the limitations I am accepting and allowing in looking at only one part of my physical body and so missing out on the entirety of the physical body as an actual universe and so I commit myself to expand my focus to be towards the totality of my physical body – from the skin I can touch to the atoms within/as it all – realizing the absolute grandness of what is here as my physical body.

I commit myself to become humble in realizing what my body actually is and what it actually gives to me and allows me to do each and every single day

I commit myself to honor my body, as a temple, as a space in which I’m allowed to experience life on earth

When and as I see myself comparing my body to other people, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow this is to continue to allow separation among humans wherein we define each other according to their size, shape, skin color, religion, whatever – and this must stop here. I commit myself to stop separation between myself and others through stopping comparisons as making some more or less than others and instead realize the equality and oneness of each body – each being as ONE and Equal in the substance of who they are

I commit myself to stop abusing my body through suggesting it is a shape it is not supposed to be and rather embrace it as it is – realizing it’s perfect in the sense of its actual functioning

I commit myself to keep in mind what matters – the body as the flesh, as the self and not the shape or the look of it

I commit myself to stop neglecting the relationship I have with my body and start silencing the mind to hear what is here - the breath and the heart beat, the organs, the blood, the bones, and the cells that are alive



Featured Artwork: Andrew Gable

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