535: Why I Hide When things Get Tough

Today I would like to share about the inconsistency I can see within my sharing/blogging. I have, as some of you may have noticed a few months back, re-committed myself to more consistent blogging as a point of self-support, and support for others. I walked a 40 day + challenge for myself to show firstly, I could do it, and secondly, to establish myself withing the application as I see it has supported in the past, and to develop myself within my writing, my expression, creativity, and self-honesty, and my ability to 'live out loud' without hiding who I am, but rather embracing it, and sharing it as I know I am not the only one in this world that faces the things I do in my life.

Though - after a couple months, the space between the blogs become more and more. So recently I decided to have a look at this again - asking myself, why do I stop?

What I can see is two things. First thing is the energy within the starting point - wanting to do something, yet attaching it with some positive energies based on ideas, beliefs, self-definitions, and imaginations where I define it as something 'good' and so have this momentum with it that is basically helping to drive/direct the point. Though the nature of energy, when it comes to the mind/body, is it runs out. You deplete it, and then you experience the opposite - the negative, the lack of drive, the resistance. There is no more fuel for the fire sort to speak.

The second point I can see within this is that I also slow down when I am facing more challenging points within myself/my life, or when I become more emotional. When I am more emotional, more reactive to myself, and my environment, and those within it - sharing myself becomes a lot more challenging and I often refuse to do it. There are again a few points within this as to WHY I stop sharing my blogs. And this is the point I would like to investigate more.

One reason is within that is the fear of revealing that I am human lol - that I face difficult points, that I become emotional, and reactive, and that sometimes things are not perfect, or I feel as if I am not progressing. When in reality - I am simply facing/walking through parts of myself that I have created, and that's what this process is all about. So instead of wanting to just present the better version of me when I am more stable or directive, also showing the real story - which is the story behind the scenes, the actual play out/experience/thoughts/feelings and emotions. Being REAL about what I go through in my every day life, and not putting on a filter just so I look better for others. Walking, and showing the Process.

Further within this is that when I am more emotional, or walking through a difficult point within myself/my life, I tend to wobble in my standing within myself - where the default reaction is to look for someone to blame or project my experiences unto as 'the problem' and so the self-responsibility to apply for myself the tools of self-support becomes less, and so of course this would then have an effect on my blogging because that is what blogging is all about - showing me as I walk my process, how I walk through points, how I'm able to apply self-honesty, and self-forgiveness, and self-responsibility. But if I'm not doing that in moments throughout my day, obviously I'm not going to come blog either because I'm not standing in such a position.

So it all comes down to self-accountability - holding myself accountable even in those moments when things become challenging within me and my process. To not become lenient with myself within the tools I apply because those are the moments when they are needed the most! A friend recently shared herself in relation to this point - of how in applying the tools, even through moments when you expect the worst of reactions from yourself, you can remain steadfast, and self-committed to stability and self-directive-ness, and clearing the fog! It comes down to your decision to hold yourself accountable and responsible for who YOU are.

I will continue more with this point in blogs to come - deconstructing with self-forgiveness, and re-constructing with self-commitment/corrective statements to once and for all let go of this need to hide, to present a nicer image, and to overall get real with myself and others.

Thanks for all who walk with!

Featured Artwork: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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