25 October 2014

373: Changing the Past

I am continuing here from the previous blog in relation to a memory/experience of when I was a child in dance class, being put in the back row and interpreting this as a personal thing against me, as implying I was not good enough to be in the front row. Here the corrective statements and realizations to live by, as I can see just how much that one moment from my childhood defined/influenced the rest of my life.

When and as I see myself interpreting another's actions or words towards me or in relation to me, as something personal, specifically as it implying I am not good enough - I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how since my childhood, from one moment of accepting and allowing myself to take it personal when my dance instructor put me in the back row, as implying I was not good enough to be in the front, I carried this self-belief and idea about me that I was somehow not good enough as who I am, and that my place belonged in the back - simply from accepting this one moment of mis-interpreting another's actions towards me without seeing the common sense reality of why I was being put in the back row.

And so I commit myself to not participate in the assumptions, and ideas in my mind when they are making another's actions or words towards/about me personal and instead stick to the breath, stick to the physical, and thus stick to the REALity of what is actually going on and not allow my ego to come to any CONclusions about what is going on.

When and as I see myself defining things in relation to good/bad or positive/negative - specifically in relation to what I'm doing, or what someone is saying to me, or directing me in a particular position, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the consequence of defining things about me and others, and existence really, in the context of polarity as good/bad, or positive/negative as a limitation to mean that I can only be/experience/express in either of those two points, instead of removing the polarity, remaining stable, seeing reality for what it is and so not to enslave myself to be determined by how I define something/someone/me as only positive or negative - as well as how I then accept myself to experience myself according to how I defined a particular point/event/situation wherein if I define it as positive, I feel positive or if I defined it as negative, I feel negative. So rather I commit myself to stop limiting myself, others, situations, life and existence as a whole to be that of only two points, positive or negative, and instead let go of the polarity construct within my mind as it has no grounding in physical reality.

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others as others being better/more than me, and me as not good enough/good as them - I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how destructive comparisons are in this context, and how I have been accepting and allowing this kind of use of comparisons to flourish in my life wherein I use it as a constant reminder that there are those that are better than me and so I should rather sit back, keep quiet and let others take the lead - and how this is based on an idea of myself from my childhood that I have been sustaining and living out, yet was not founded/grounded on any substantial/real evidence, but based within the mind as a reaction of taking something personal in a moment, and comparing myself to others. Instead I commit myself to use comparisons constructively as seeing how others live, and express themselves as examples from which I can learn and expand myself, rather than to use it to diminish myself and essentially keep me in a fear of breaking through the initial belief about me that I am not good enough to be in the front/to be seen

When and as I see myself internalizing my external reality and interactions, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the mind does not interpret reality based on common sense, or physical reality, but solely on self-interest, self-belief, and assumptions and so I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to reflect upon my reality and situations that I am a part of through my mind, but to rather write out any refraction that I experience as to ensure I am seeing FOR REAL, and not through the mind's eye of separation as judgments, comparisons, or self-limitations and to rather investigate what is REAL in an situation based in common sense, understanding and clarity. I commit myself to stop allowing my mind to interpret my life, and rather take responsibility for my own life and what is here and who I am in relation to it.

When and as I see myself feeling bad about myself based on ideas/judgments of me that I am somehow not good enough, or should stay in the background/back row, and to within this, blame myself for being one who is not good enough, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, understand that this self-belief and experience of me is a consequence of a constant acceptance and allowance of myself that I Have listened to time and time again, and that has it's origins in my childhood wherein I defined my dance instructor putting me in the back row as implying I was not good enough to be in the front and how in that moment, I accepted the idea that there must be something wrong with me/I must not be good enough since I was not put in the front row. I commit myself to stop living out the patterns developed throughout my life and to instead let go of the belief that I must stay in the back, or that allow me to blame me for thinking I am not what others expect of me - instead I commit myself to change the pattern and make a decision about who I am based on actual physical reality, and not within my mind as fear, self-interest, and judgments and so to ultimately let go of this moment/memory as to no longer keeping the past alive and to instead LIVE HERE, in this moment, as who I am now - not who I thought I was 25 years ago.

When and as I see myself wanting to hide out, and stay in the background as not drawing attention to myself or being visible by too many people, I stop and I breathe. I ground myself in this moment through breathing before I allow myself to live out this idea of me, as I see/realize/understand that this construct is based on the past of who I was in a moment as a reaction in relation to being put in the back row of my dance class and how I've come to find comfort in the belief that I do not have to face the fear of who I would be 'in the front'. I commit myself to do that which I resist, to stop living out the idea that I must remain in the background and not visible, and instead see who I am HERE, visible and present and willing to live out loud for all to see as I realize if I am not hiding anything within me, then I have nothing to hide from others. I commit myself to stop living out my childhood fear and belief that I am not good enough, and face myself in those moments I fear the most and to move beyond the constraints of this construct based on memories from my childhood.

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