After the fact, I realized I had just a first hand look/experience into the extent of this desire energy and how I've allowed it in my life and how it in fact plays out not in just one aspect of my life, in which I was seeing it - but it in fact influences me in many more ways. I mean it's simply a point of wanting something, anything, as long as the mind is made up that 'this is what I want' - nothing can get in the way - full force the desire energy pushes to get what it wants.
Last night I saw the consequence and effects on others, where this desire energy can literally push people away. And so, self forgiveness here for the points faced last night in communication with another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push another to share as to communicate with me about a particular point within/as a starting point of desire wherein I see only what I want, which was for them to share/communicate/tell me about a specific point in their life, and not consider their experience but only want what I want now
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push another within an energy of desire form/as a starting point of fear - fear they were hiding something from me or keeping something from me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a paranoia that if one is not willing to share/communicate specific things with me, then that automatically means they are keeping/hiding something from me and to from within this, want to push more as to 'get it out of them' and to stop at nothing to get what I want/desire and actually simply fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a desire energy when pushing another to share with me/communicate with me about a particular point in their life within the fear of 'they are hiding something/holding something back from me and to within this, fear that this 'something' will be the cause of some sort of conflict if I do not find out what it is, instead of seeing how my pushing within a desire energy causes more conflict that pushes the other away as I've come to see and realize how forceful the desire energy is and me within it, wherein I just want what I want and do not care how I must get it or how that effects others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push another in their process/their life instead of pushing me within my own process/life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within an energy of desire in relation to another as wanting the picture in my head of how our relationship/interaction is 'suppose to be' wherein we must be able to talk about anything at anytime, yet not consider some points may be more difficult then others and thus place myself into a position of patience and support in willing to walk through it with them, instead of forcing/pushing them to be how I expect/want them to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within an energy of desire in relation to another and thus not hear them when they said they didn't want to talk about this particular point at this stage and instead only think about myself and what I want
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet see and realize when this desire energy becomes activated within me as to be aware of myself in each moment to see when there is a change in my physical body, as the energy become more substantial that I see leads to a possession as the desire energy taking over and me being completely consumed with getting what I want, when I want it and not stopping and seeing who I am and what is actually driving me in that moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by this energy of desire to the point where I will manipulate another just to get what I want
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate another in order for them to tell me what it is I was wanting them to communicate to me about, and when they wouldn't, resort to manipulation as attempting to control them/the situation as getting what I want and thus within this, making it about me and what I want and not seeing or considering another and what they want or need in terms of how I interact with them as what would be of best support
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to let go and let another be when they said they didn't want to share with me yet and instead push them within a fear of missing out on information that could have potentially been used to define me or another, like this information was relevant to me and where I am in my process, or somehow defined me and thus wanting them to share so I was not missing anything
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become trusting of my experience as 'needing to know' about another and specific points in their life and to not in that moment, stop, breathe and question this inability to simply let it go
When and as I see myself pushing another to a point where I can see they are resisting me, I stop and I breathe and stabilize myself in that moment as to not allow energy as desire to push me to push them any farther and instead move myself to a point of patience and support as giving them the time and space to process within our communication, allowing myself as well then to consider another as how I would like to be treated and thus step out of my own self interest.
I commit myself to hear another when they are saying stop as them not wanting to talk about a specific point at that specific moment, as to not push them into a resistance as I see this desire energy has the force of pushing things away and so too I commit myself to not allow me to only consider myself but others as well as how they are experiencing themselves and how I can change me in a moment to stand as a point of support rather than a point that pushes them away or pushes them into a resistance
When and as I see myself manipulating another within my words to get them to do what I want or share something I want them to, I stop and I breathe and do not allow this of myself and instead stabilize myself in that moment, through breathing, before I continue to speak as to stop the pattern of allowing my desire/my want blind me and move me within my own self-interest and so not consider another as myself.
I commit myself to practice slowing down through/as breathing when communicating with another to thus support myself to be able to identify when/as this desire energy becomes activated within me/my body as to be self aware of who I am and thus directive in every moment so that I no longer become possessed by energy that I then act out in ways that I see do not support myself or others
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