18 July 2014

353: Co-Workers and Conflicts

The other day at work I was having reactions to a co-worker. It was a negative reaction in perceiving him as ‘talking down’ to me and ‘belittling’ me and basically, feeling like he was questioning my common sense. I noticed that his tonality and the way he expressed his words triggered this reaction within me, and even the way he would look at me while he was talking, I interpreted as him challenging me as basically saying I am not worthy to be even speaking to him – to leave him alone and let him do his job.

Now this could be in the context of because I am a ‘new employee’ - I am still aligning myself to the flow of the restaurant, and how my co-workers are in their working space – yet I can see the reason this reaction was triggered within me is simply because it’s a point I've participated/expressed in my own life, towards others. And in not taking responsibility for that, I am instead, here, projecting this unto to my co-worker.

It’s like saying, in my life, I have stood as that point of looking down at others, or questioning their common sense, and being so quick to judge someone and expressing that in my words, tonalities and my overall interaction with them. Because I have not yet taken responsibility for that point, that which I've accepted and allowed of myself, I instead look for others (now this is not something I/we are consciously aware of) who can be the point/cause/source origin as the point responsible for me doing unto me what I have done unto others. Basically it's like I am aware I've done it, yet because I did nothing about it in terms of facing it, forgiving it, and correcting it - I instead look for it in others, and go into blaming them for doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to a co worker in thinking and believing he is talking down to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to a co worker when he said to me, “Can I give you some criticism” in relation to how we kept bumping into each other throughout the shift, and to within this, feel inferior and diminished within myself, and instead of taking responsibility for this reaction that exists WITHIN ME,  instead of blaming HIM as the cause/source/origin for the way that I feel without seeing, realizing and understanding that it exists within me, and thus I am responsible, I am the one creating it within me, accepting and allowing it within me, it is ME

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the suggestion of my co worker, as how to avoid accidents in the work environment, within the back chat of "I already know this", instead of hearing what he had to say and simply apply it, I mean if I knew it, why were we bumping into each other and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself stuck in a reaction towards my co worker instead of applying the solution, as his suggestion, that would support in a more efficient functioning of the work environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved in how I think and perceive how others think about me or perceive me, separating myself from the value of myself and instead place this on others to determine who I am and how I feel about myself and so allowing that to be 'the point' that I focus on, instead of sticking to and working with the physical environment, where I am, what I am doing, thus paying attention to what is HERE and not allowing myself to distract/blind myself through reactions from/as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into defense in relation to my co worker, after thinking and believing he was talking down to me and belittling me – here I see, realize and understand that the point is not whether he was actually doing this or not, because what I could see is how he speaks to others is how he had been spoken to throughout his life, and so within this, there was a point of understanding/seeing why he was doing what he was doing, yet this insight becomes useless as the reactions exists within me – I am still reacting to the fact that within me, there was a movement of emotions in relation to his words/behavior towards me which is me taking him/his words personally and so that is my responsibility to sort out, to stop all blame and defense and judgment and the ASSUMPTION that he was deliberately trying to diminish me – here again, I realize no one can diminish me or make me feel any way, it’s always Me and what I accept and allow within me and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the power to another to determine how I experience myself, as accepting and allowing the words/behavior of my co worker to diminish me and make me feel stupid and inferior, instead of in that moment, stopping and breathing and not accepting and allowing myself to exist within such a reaction or statement of myself as to who I am in relation to others/my co worker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to bumping into my co worker, in defining myself as clumsy and somehow inadequate, as if I was in the way and to within this, think and believe he was judging me as the ‘new girl’ and that I was somehow inferior because I was not more clear in my movement around the new work environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack my co worker within my mind in blaming him for being mean, in accepting and allowing the idea that my projection of what HE is doing is real and valid, instead of realizing it’s me and so instead of taking responsibility for this realization/responsibility, instead go to war with him within my mind, and to from the initial moments of reactions, stand a little taller as to make a statement of ‘I will not take your crap.”

I realize I was playing this whole game within my mind – me making interpretations about my co worker, about how he experiences me, and about how I must ‘be’ around him to assert some kind of power, because in relation to his words, I felt powerless. I realize that I am allowing this powerless-ness to exist within and as me and it’s a simple point I can stop in one moment through breathing and not accepting and allowing myself to participate anymore

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the reaction towards my co-worker in that moment, as a projection of myself, as it being ME that has spoken down to others, judged others and attempted to belittle others through my words as questioning their common sense, and so instead of seeing this projection as a gift of seeing myself as who I have been throughout my life, instead participate in the reactions within my mind in thinking and believing, yes indeed - it is in fact him that is to blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak down to others and so quick to judge others for how they act and what they say as thinking they have no common sense, and within this, have no compassion or understanding for how their life and experience throughout their life -  their environment, their family, their education, etc - shaped and molded who they are and how they express themselves, and so instead of seeing/understanding this and thus NOT accepting myself to judge/attack others, instead realize there is a bigger picture required to be corrected as the REAL problem as to why people are the way that they are and how our environment/world system shapes people to be who they are and so seeing this and standing equal to it (meaning - without judgments, but realizing I in fact am equal in the shaping of who I have become from/as my world/environment/family/education/etc) and so letting go of blame and judgment of others and instead speak from/as within a starting point of understanding and compassion and patience - in fact real equality, as that is how I would like others to treat/speak to me and so be sure I am standing within/as a position to give as I would like to receive

I will continue in the next blog with self corrective statements. 

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