In the last few days, since going through orientation and getting the training shifts scheduled, I've noticed reactions about how my schedule will be 'busy'. "This will be too much." "I wont have any free time" "Do I really want this?". And what was interesting is that these were the statements I was making within my mind, yet it was not the actual point that was triggering the reaction within me. Meaning - there was more 'behind the scenes' that I was not yet seeing that was causing me to then turn to a 'busy schedule' as a way of basically drawing attention within myself to something that doesn't really matter in terms of facing the Real issue here.
The real issue - a fear that threatened a self-image. The point I saw that was the 'real issue' in terms of what I was having these reactions and back chats coming up was due to a future projection - of seeing me 'failing' as not managing my schedule effectively; that somehow I would 'fuck it up' and let down or disappoint one or the other jobs. That somehow I will miss a shift, or will be forced to be late due to travel between the two jobs. And within this then, the fear of being seen as not a good employee. So really - my self interest is in jeopardy in my future projection (that alternate reality within my mind where I envision what 'could' happen yet hasn't actually happened, thus is NOT real) - I am anticipating ways in which to avoid 'looking bad.' Which is always the story... doing, acting and speaking in ways in which we think we will get the most positive feedback and be seen in the best light, where we simply define ourselves according to what we do and what happens in our life and use it to either define ourselves as good or bad and as we do unto ourselves, we expect others to do unto ourselves and we also do the same unto others. And if we think there is no plausible way we will get the best picture of ourselves painted, we simply will not do it.
That is interesting because that I can see would be a dimension of a point I also brought up in the previous blog, where this pattern I've played out in my life of compromising opportunities to try something new, like a new job, by simply going into fears and excuses as to why it wouldn't work, yet never realizing that the self interest was the determining factor in terms of the plausibility of whether I would come out looking good and not a failure, and through my lack of awareness and understanding of how my mind works, I simply followed the fear and the image of me failing as the good enough reason to not try something new.
Either way I am, within this, attempting to protect an image of myself, fearing how others will see/define me as I see/define myself and all hidden behind the disguise of the projection/excuse of having a 'busy schedule', when in self honesty, I'm afraid I will not come through looking my best and someone 'out there', external from me here, will judge and define me as not a good employee. Yet - have I considered that I was the one that made the decision to get another job and thus create 'more' for me to be doing during the week? I was the one that decided to keep both jobs and to juggle them both, and so that is obviously a point I decided was necessary for me, so the 'busy schedule' is irrelevant to what is actually going on within me in relation to the new job. So, must cut through my own bullshit, my own deception to see what is actually going on so that I can take self responsibility for myself and the actions I take and the decisions I make that essentially create the nature of who I am. If I am lying to myself in the form of back chats, and not being real with myself in terms of the 'real issue' I am facing, then how easy it becomes to do that to others and so then we have an individual within this world that is willing to deceive another simply because they deceive themselves.
In the next blog I will continue on with self forgiveness.
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