I did some blogs about this point a few months ago as something I was going to give myself direction with and well basically, I stopped giving direction to it within blogs and instead 'tried' to simply correct the point - meaning - changing the pattern of how I would use naps or go into napping. That did not necessarily work as I see it's still used as a point of distraction. It's like if I find I have some time to get things done or 'feel' as if I have some 'extra time', I will want to take a nap. Yet this has caused some internal conflict because in a way, I see there is so many other things I could be doing with my time instead of just sleeping.
I mean there is nothing wrong with naps, they can be supportive for the physical when it's required, yet my relationship towards napping is definitely a point of distraction as it will be made as a decision in the moment to avoid/resist something that I have yet to do or complete. And there is a particular pattern that I see will play out with it. Either after my morning responsibilities are done with and I have a moment to get breakfast and get dressed and maybe do Pilates, after that it's this point of 'back to work'. So either I've had class or some time before class and so here is where I have struggled with this point of napping. It's like an automatic option that comes up, usually within the experience of "I'm tired" - so it's not an actual physical point of support, as at this point I've only been up for a couple hours. It's absolutely a mental point in relation to giving into an experience of resistance and avoidance and wanting to put things off. It's like an ultimate giving up point, like "this is too much, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I will nap instead"
Another point it's used is after I've been working during the day or been in class during the day. I will find myself want to come home and 'rest', but with a nap. This point particularly I've been able to support myself in stopping and simply come home and instead continue with what is necessary still in my day to do - any responsibilities still requiring my direction and attention - I will come home and get them done.
So the point more here still requiring correction is the mid-day/morning naps I will want to take.
This is a distraction. An avoidance, I running a way, a hiding out and a postponement.
Another point in my life I've used to distract myself from in not supporting myself to develop myself in such a way where I am satisfied with my living application. I do see how this point influence me in the rest of the day, it's like if I go into napping, then the rest of the day I'm carrying around this guilt because I knew I did not stand at the moment of decision to actually direct myself in continuing AWAKE in my day, and instead decided to sleep away some of my day as to put off what is here for me to do.
It's quite interesting how I've come to prefer sleeping over being awake, I mean obviously it says a lot about even my relationship towards life and living. This is also a relationship that I've created throughout my life, where in my past, naps was used as a way to 'pass the time' when I was bored or had nothing to do and I use to even say the words, "I sleep to dream." So it's like I looked forward to napping because I would find that I always dreamed more vividly during those napping times and in that, it was like another form of entertainment - or simply, a distraction. I defined my dreams as more interesting than my waking life.
I mean I no longer have that point of being 'bored' in my life because there are many things for me to do and get done and participate with and I'm grateful that I've giving myself my own purpose in life in terms of giving myself some sort of direction in life and realizing that there is SO much to do in this world, that one cannot possibly be bored - boredom is absolutely an acceptance within the Mind that is bullshit. So napping is no longer used as a point of boredom or to pass the time - yet it's still a form of distraction because I will use it to not be self directive, to not walk fully within all the hours of my day to do what is necessary to be done. I mean how many hours have I missed in my life through accumulating daily naps - I mean after so many years, that is a lot of time I've wasted and giving up when I could have used to develop myself in way that is best for me and best for all. So another point of squandering the gifts and opportunities I have in every moment, when I go into naps, it's like I'm giving away the gift of life I've been giving - it's like I am saying, "no thanks Life, I don't care to be awake for this"
So I see what I'm allowing within this and how i'm not really giving myself the best possible chance to change myself in a substantial way. I mean I have a limited time on this Earth, I do not know when death will come and so why am I not living fully every moment I have to be awake, to be here, to be directive and to get things done in this world that truly matter. I mean what I do with the time I have on earth absolutely define who I am and I can see how this point of napping and the nature of my relationship to it as being a distraction is not supporting my in any way whatsoever - instead it is a point of self destruction as it only carries a burden of the acceptance and allowance within it - because I see who I am within allowing such a point and so, I choose to stop and correct it and instead live my life FULLY and awake, every moment I have available to do whatever it is I can to establish myself within who I am within and without - as my nature and as this world. I mean change is absolutely possible, so I must be willing to give myself every opportunity I have and that is within each waking moment of breath.
So will continue this point with self forgiveness tomorrow.
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