01 September 2012

Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship


What I am realizing in the last couple days since a relationship of mine has ended – is that I have no motivation to do anything. And I considered that the ‘energy’ of relationships is what moves me in this life. Like After we ended the relationship, I was desperately seeking within my mind trying to find someone I can latch my attention to and be my focus to ‘keep me going’ as the energy of excitement and desire.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is dependent upon the energies of desire and excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need something or someone outside of myself to be my focus as providing me with energy as desire to ‘keep me moving’ in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek within my mind people that I can focus my attention onto within the fantasy of being in relationship with them to provide me with energy as excitement and desire

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for taking away that which I have allowed myself to become addicted to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need another to move me in this life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept the experience of being depressed and allow this to then direct me to not move myself and instead lay stagnant within myself, not moving myself, and justifying my inaction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone now that I am not in relationship with another

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am alone when not in a relationship

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to live the words I speak, and learn to live with myself, get to know myself, be in relationship with myself in walking this process in getting to know who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not in relationship then I am worthless

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am a failure because my relationship with another has ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a relationship end – then I am a failure, instead of looking at the practical reality of why it ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make the decision within myself to be angry at another within blaming them for being the way they are as the cause/source/origin of why our relationship didn’t work out – instead of taking self responsibility and seeing the reality for real – that is was not aligned because our starting points were not aligned and thus cannot force them to realize anything within themselves, the only power I have is here within and as me to live and walk my process of self change - to ensure I am bringing myself back within the starting of of equality and oneness and considering all life that is here through self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish and desire that another regrets their decision and comes crawling back as a way where I then come out as the winner and being right and him being wrong

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to deliberartly want to punish another by not speaking to them or telling them I don’t want to be their friend as a way to hurt them and exert my blame unto them as being the bad guy

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire the punish another as a way to not take responsibility for myself within our relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire another to feel hurt by me saying that I don’t want to be their friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by another wanting to end our relationship and within this desire for them to feel the same as me – as a way to get back at them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another was my only opportunity to be with another/in a relationship in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fact that I am getting older and thus fear being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘not being in relationship’ with fear and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself exist within spite towards another as a way to protect myself from the feelings I experience of ending the relationship and thus want to prove my power and control by telling them I don’t want to be their friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough as the reason my relationship with another ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without another, I will never have a relationship in my life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define life and living as being with another person in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence as ‘good’ when I am in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being without a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that I am always alone and that if I move to a relationship out of fear of being alone –then it will never be real, as it’s starting point of it’s creation was based on an illusion – that’ I cannot be alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to escape reality – where I do not have to face myself and the fear of being alone, and want to avoid having to get to know myself as I focus my attention on the other being in the relationship and our creation as the relationship

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of being alone and the experience of failure for the relationship with another ending – exist within hope that this means there is someone else for me – a being that I can walk with that will be 'better' for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking with desteni and believe that this will cause me to never be in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into any relationship in fear of them leaving me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a relationship that I am in and fear that if it ends, that that means I am a failure and not good enough

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am according to the relationship I am in or not in and thus when one ends, define myself as not good enough and define my existence as worthless without one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within ignoring the relationship with myself – seek a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never realize that my desire for a relationship with another – is my desire for a relationship with myself and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as wanting to be in relationship with myself onto others and when they do not want that – blame them for not wanting to be in relationship with me

I forgive myself that I Have never allowed myself to be in a relationship with myself as getting to know myself and building self honest, self trust and real intimacy – as I see into myself as the real me and remove that which is the illusion of me

I commit myself to stopping the need/desire for a relationship with another and realize this is me showing me that I am looking for a relationship with myself and thus I commit myself to getting to know myself, becoming intimate with myself in getting to know who I am here, how i have created myself and changing myself into a being that considered all life equal and one as what is best for all

I commit myself to stopping the spite that I exist within and as as I realize it created war within and without and thus I commit myself to become a responsible human being through stopping all blame exerted towards others and always bring myself back to self responsibility - in looking at WHO I AM within HOW I LIVE

I commit myself to stopping all fear in realizing it is an illusion I as a creator have created - and thus commit myself to daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk myself out of the mind and into the physical reality to live in this world where we have the power to change it into what is best for all

I commit myself to stopping the addiction to energy as I realize this requires me to be dependent on something outside of myself and within self interest to gain more for myself and thus I commit myself to stopping all addictions and no longer allow myself to be dependent on something outside of me - I breathe, I move, I live, I apply myself and I get this done

Art by: Rozelle De Lange

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