06 January 2012

2012: Walking through the Consequences of the Past

Walking through the consequences of my Past

This last semester of school (fall), I was on academic probation because of my decisions and actions made 2 years ago. I attempted school and withdrew after just half the semester. This time around - I was dedicated and motivated to be in school, participating and doing what was needed to be done. Yet - with completing the same amount of credits this semester as I attempted 2 years ago - I was finishing with only a 50% completion rate - so while being on academic probation - I went into suspension.

No problem - I has been speaking with my adviser and all I had to do was submit an appeal for the suspension. So I got support letters from my teachers, my reason for dropping out 2 years ago, and a letter of what I am willing do to to ensure success with my education.

My adviser was convinced my appeal would go through because of the turn around I made - and I also felt confident about it - and so I continued my registration for classes, and ordering my books.

Then - i got the letter. I was denied. I was also shocked. So I went back to see my adviser and she want to the person that reviewed my appeal to see if there was anything that could be done.

She said they were implementing a 'new system' in that I missed 1 out of the 4 areas I needed to complete. My reasoning for my failed semester was not 'good enough' and I failed to provide supportive documentation. She was upset - and apologized as she felt it was her suggestion - or lack of suggestions that got me denied.

I simply saw it for what it was. Walking through consequences of my past. I made a decision and took action that I now must face the consequences of. I can either feel discouraged and 'pity' myself - or I can simply breathe - see what is here - walk through the past and continue to face myself in every moment.

So I'm breathing and walking through, realizing this is the process. Facing ourselves, who we are, who we were, decisions and action that were made and walking through their consequences - yet not allowing myself to make the same mistakes and react to who I was in the past. Because that is no here.

It was also an interested experiences - as initially I saw myself feel sad and almost like a victim. What I saw it how much I was defining myself in relation to being in school - and now that i Have to sit out this semester - I experienced this feeling of worthlessness - like I'm not doing something of 'worth'. So a point for my to look into within myself. I realize that whether I am in school or out of school - I am the same. I am here, and so it should not matter what I'm doing - but who I am here. So cool to walk this point as I am supported in seeing that I am not defined by anything in my world unless I allow it - and so I do not allow myself to 'feel without' as I realize I am still here and there is still much I am able to learn, simply by being with myself, investigating myself - walking with desteni is an education in itself.

And so I continue - breathing - applying myself within whatever I do and know that space and time is a gift if I allow myself patients.