21 January 2012

2012: The Secret thoughts of a Dancer - Facing/Forgiving/Correcting

Writing from a few days ago - walking through points of the Mind with writing, self forgiveness and self correction application:

I had a dance class earlier tonight. I noticed that initially when I started taking the classes – I thought it would be easy and I would be ‘good’ at it.(thought based on past memories/experiences) Then I struggled through the first classes and I felt like I wasn’t good(thought/self judgment). And I felt bad about myself about this(emotion) – and then tonight – I felt better because I could perform the moves better and I saw how the programming from a child dancer came back and then all of a sudden I got this sense of like ‘I’m good’(thought/feeling). I see how I am constantly comparing myself to other dancers. Like there was this girl that I would define as overweight or heavy – and she was very good and I had thoughts about how that was surprising that she was good (thought). Or there was this other girl – and you could tell by her form that she was trained as a dancer – but then I had the thoughts that she was out for awhile because of the shape of her body(thought). Why do I judge people based on the way that they look – meaning the shape of their bodies? What value have I given this? I see within myself – for my whole life I desired a body that was defined as beautiful (self definition). Which was a small waste and skinny. Now it’s evolved to be like ‘toned’. But still a small waste – one that doesn’t roll or stick out when standing. A flat stomach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought ‘I am good at dance’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘good dancer’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the belief that ‘I am a good dancer’ based on my past experience of being in dance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the memory of being a dancer and use this as a self definition of who I am in separation of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am superior to others because I was in dance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use dancing as a way to separate myself from myself and others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to others as who I am and thus use dancing as a skill to make myself ‘feel better’ about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use dancing as a way to define myself as better than others and to feel better about myself in feeding my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use memories of who I was in the past to define myself as who I am now
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dance in separation of myself in stead of using as a way to express myself within and as my physical body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and feel bad about myself because I struggled within the first dance class back at it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the feeling of being bad at dance because I was existing in the thought of being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about myself within dancing because I was existing in the idea of being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not good at dance because I had a hard time moving through to the first class – instead of realizing any skill takes time to develop and there is not self judgment necessary and only diminishes myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel better about myself because dancing became easier for me as the classes went on
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and define other girls in my dance class within separation of me through the mind as thoughts of ‘she is skinny’ or ‘she is overweight’ instead of standing equal and one with them as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgment of myself and others based on the size of our bodies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a good dancer
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within my mind as the thought ‘I am a good dancer’ because the classes starting becoming easier for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within the polarity as separation of good/bad based on my movements instead of allowing myself to express myself as myself here as the physical body within self expression
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone who dances to be either good or bad based on the size of their bodies
I STOP HERE
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a dancer as being skinny
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being skinny as being beautiful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I have defined being beautiful as is being accepted through and as society instead of realizing this is only supporting separation within myself and other and this world
I do not allow this of myself
I stop judgment of myself and others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define dancers as beautiful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define dance as beautiful within the polarity of ugly/beautiful instead of standing equal and one within what I define as dance and dancers
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a flat stomach as desirable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define beauty on the size of my stomach
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other girls within my dance class based on the size of their bodies
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see only within the polarity of skinny or fat
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a person within polarity of skinny or over weight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am acceptable within what I believe to be a beautiful body then I will be accepted within the eyes of others and will be desirable to men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek power and control through men desiring me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see power through men’s perception of me being beautiful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being desirable in the eyes of others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek attention for the shape of my body instead of accepting me here as a breathing living being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the shape and size of my body instead of standing equal and one with and as my physical body within realizing it supports me to be here moving and functioning within this reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as my physical body through the mind as definitions and thoughts and pictures of how it should look based on ideas and pictures accepted throughout my life instead of realizing it is simply here – to support me to live and to express who I really am without judgments or ideas or perceptions or definitions. HERE EQUAL AND ONE.

Correction:
Realize that I am equal and one with myself as my physical body
Realize that I am equal and one with others within my world and reality
Realize that judgments or only of and as self - and any thoughts about others are a projection of myself
Realize that I limit myself through thoughts within the mind of judgments and comparisons and ideas and beliefs
Realize that i separate myself from myself as equal and one as all through the mind as thoughts of judgments, comparisons, ideas and beliefs
Realize my body is here to support me - not for me to judge it
Realize all human physical bodies are equal and one within their functionality and design and thus equal and one with and as me as my physical body
Realize that I allow myself to be influenced and directed by the mind through thoughts of comparisons and judgments and past memories
Realize that I am able to direct myself through and as the breathe when I experience thoughts of judgments and comparisons and past memories when they arise - to stop and breathe and not being directed and distracted by such things as I realize they are in separation of myself here as life

When I dance and see thoughts of past memories of dancing and self definitions of who I am within dancing - I STOP and I breathe realizing they do not support me within this physical reality - they only keep me limited and chained to self definitions of separation
When I see myself judging myself and others based on our bodies and the shapes and sizes - I stop and I Breathe - realizing all bodies of all humans are equal and one within the functionality and thus I breathe to be equal without thoughts and judgments and comparisons
When I see my experience change within myself based on thoughts of self definitions and judgement about me as a dancer - I stop and breathe and direct myself out of the mind of past memories and experiences and allow myself to breathe and be here new in every moment as self expression
When I find myself placing value on the size and shape of my body - I stop and I breathe realizing the body is me without self definitions and is here to assist and support me to be real in fact - as breathing is that which is life
When I see myself defining myself and others within the polarity of ugly/beautiful or fat/skinny - I stop and I breathe realizing that this is within the mind which is separation and only creates inequality within myself and this world. so I realize I am equal and one without the definition of positive or negative - but simply here.
When I see myself judging myself within dancing - I stop and I breathe and do not support my participation within defintions of being this or that as a dancer - but simply allow myself to breathe here and express myself as dance as the music as the moves. Realizing self expression is self support within/as the physical.





It is our responsibility to stop ourselves from accepting and allowing separation to exist within ourselves as this leads to a world of inequality.

Support yourself with the tools of self honesty and self forgiveness - Dare to face yourself as what you have accepted and allowed and realize we can change - and it is our job to do so.