AHHHH - I don't know what to write.
Which is crap.
I was like - should I write a debunking blog? Should I write a self forgiveness blog? Should I write a 'poetry' blog.
No - it's like, fuck I don't want to write. And so here I am - writing. Why? Because I told myself that I would - starting living the words I speak. Stop giving myself reasons to 'fall' and to face it another day.
What I realize - is that if I tell myself something - say I make a commitment - and I am unwilling to walk through that commitment - what does that say about me? Who am I for real then? Someone who speaks empty words and gives false hope and ultimately is untrustworthy.
Well I definitely do not accept this of myself. I create this idea that i believe I have to portray - 'live up to' - keep going as an image. Of how i 'see' myself and define myself - yet is always within separation of myself and hence.. the friction. Friction as resistance I create.
And so I stop... and I breathe and I..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to present myself in a certain way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to be seen in a certain way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe who I am is seen as an image and if I break this than I am broke
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to be someone I am not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a destonians and within this see myself as superior to others and then believe I have to fullfill this idea of what a destonian is - when we are simply human being - breathing and walking and talking and showing.
*When I see myself attempting to present myself as an image or within a certain way that I know is separate from me here - I stop and breathe within realizing this is actually who I am - here for real and anything within the mind as ideas or images of myself is ego and so I direct myself here as life instead of me as the mind of systems of energy
*When I see myself separating myself within myself as defining myself as a 'destonian' within being superior - I stop and breathe realizing this is what is actually means to be a destonians - to stand equal and one with all as me - nothing more or nothing less - simply here as life
Really what I see - is that I believe I have to seem 'strong' and 'smart' and within making sense. Where it seems like 'i got it' and I 'understand it' - and all this presentation is fear - fear of not being accepted within the system. Fear of being seen as unacceptable within the system - as we are systems and to seek acceptance in another - is refusing to see myself as life.
So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself separate from myself as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation from someone outside of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek attention from someone outside of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek energy through attention and validation from someone outside of myself
*When I see myself attempting to seek validation from another - I stop and I breathe realizing I am here and through seeking validation from another I realize I am not giving to myself myself - but actually ignoring myself and looking outside of myself for the attention and validation I am actually looking for within myself as myself
Because within this I can see that I am only trying to feed my ego - this personality/presentation of myself - false self - ego.
It's like a defense mechanism that believe I have to be a 'certain way' in order to get 'certain feedback' and if I fail to do that - then OMG - something must be wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with me - only the false image of myself that i create and accept and allow as me - within the personality of my mind. Where the voice that speaks - that thinks - that is me 'up there' in the space within my head - tells me what to do and how to do it and how to be and it's all based on past memories and experience of how I have lived and created a sense of self that exists within limitation. That i cannot move this way for this reason. I cannot speak that way for that reason. Or I cannot be this way as it is unacceptable.
Well who the fuck said?
What I've realized - there is a dictator within my mind that I created as me - and in facing myself to direct myself back to myself here - it challenges me and presents to me reasons why I created it in the first place. FEAR is the driving force of all of humanity.
We are the way that we are because of how we have existed and what has happened in our life. Fear is what keeps us in accepting ourselves as the mind/personality.
Once you start you face it - you see it - and there is not running away. Because in these moments - you see who you have accepted and allowed yourself to be - a puppet whose strings get pulled in all sorts of directions and then you find yourself saying, 'how did I get here'... 'is this me?'
What I realize - I am Life - and Life is free - when life exists in equality. When I am here - breathing as me - then I exist in equality. As I stand as I breathe - I am the body in this physical reality. And in this physical reality - I am equal to all physicality. Equal and one with the trees and the bees - I am me in self honesty.
LOL - this is just a free flow rant. Writing because I didn't want to and I told myself I had nothing. And here - I proved myself wrong - and pushed through the direction of my mind - to stand Up for myself as Life - in directing Myself - actual free choice - wherein I push and I move and I direct life, as me.
Life can be Fun if we Dare to Live