12 December 2011

Education/School - Just do It

I just finished my first of two finals for the first semester at college. This is actually my second attempt of achieving a 'higher education' - yet something is different this time. Me. I am different. The school and the classes are the same - yet who I am within the school and classes has changed.

When I made my first attempt at school 2 years ago - it was within the starting point of 'this is what I Have to do'. "I'm not doing anything so why not" "I feel bad about myself, I graduated 7 years ago - what am I doing with my Life." It was a decision made out of fear - fear of failing - of not 'doing what I'm suppose to do' - it was within wanting to 'be better'. I was full of reasons for going back to school - and none were within self honesty or best for all interest. It was based in self interest, self image and all things dishonest. After just a month of classes - I was accepting and allowing all sorts of thoughts of reasons as to why I could not continue. I gave myself excuses as not do to the work - I was caught up in anxieties about who I was and what others thought about me - I was unsure of what I was going to do with it - it was not an expression of myself - it was a means to an end as my attempt to 'find myself'. My starting point was unstable and thus the process was unstable.. and I ended up quitting.

Then I found myself. Here. With the support of Desteni and others - I realized that no thoughts are ever valid and I am able to do and get done what ever it is I decide to do. It's that simple. I learned to forgive myself for the thoughts of Judgments I was having - as the start of the semester all the same stuff from my previous experience came back and this time I was with tools on how to support myself. How to keep it simple and just get it done. Do what is necessary to be done - the most basic support I have ever heard that becomes more and more valuable everyday for me.

This last semester I have learned that I am able and capable of being a student that excels. I am able to do the work. I am able to participate in class discussion - I am able to contribute to the class. And most of all - I am able to let go of all the fears and judgments I was holding in relation to myself and school/education - and simply walk within the realization that this is necessary to be done. We require humans in this World to be educated about what the fuck is going on. Within the system and within ourselves. To utilize what is here to be effective in this World. To be in positions where we can actually create a change in this world and one that is best for all.

Education is not about getting a good job so that I can have a good pay check so that I can live a happy life, one that is comfortable and protected from the harsh realities of this World - but to utilize myself as a point of change - becoming aware and using my education to actually create an effective change in this world. My schooling is no more just about me - it is about what is best for all. I am in a position in this world to stand up for those that cannot - to expose what's going on and the unacceptable nature of ourselves that is here. We all are responsible - so no way am I going to go through this process looking out for only myself - but to bring about a World that is Best for All.

So the coolest thing I have learned this semester - as that it doesn't matter how smart or 'unsmart' you 'think' you are - it's not real. The point and the gift is - whatever we decide to do - just do it and it will be done. Wow - what a concept. Just do the work - apply, push yourself to give of yourself what you know you can and you will only be able to expand as who you are.

I am grateful for this education process, grateful for desteni in showing me how I can support myself... and grateful I have just one more final to finish:)