22 April 2011

Day 19 - Forgive and Let go

Day 19

Today.. was a day.

Supression day.

I wanted to smoke - and the thought kept coming up. I kept telling myself, just one, I will enjoy it - yet I have 'told' myself this before - and it always turns out the same. It does NOT taste good - and I end up 'wishing' I wouldn't let my thoughts direct me. And the thought kept coming up - and as much as I 'wanted' it give in - I didn't. I say no.

Which is cool - but then, I ended up going home between work - and sleeping. Then eating - but not as a point of physical support - it was to 'fill me up'.

Obviously I can see that whatever I wanted to suppress with the smoking - I instead used sleeping and eating to do instead.

And what is here - why did I allow this - what am I not wanting to face? Well, I can see there was some things I needed to take care of today - things on the 'to do' list. BUt I don't think this is what I was not wanting to face.

Simple responsibilities. Dealing with things as they come up in the moment.

I have written about this before - and here i find myself again.

I'm going to be all over the palce within this writing - because a lot is coming up for me.

There is a lot of self judgment about these writings that I do. I don't like how I come up with these titles to these writings - as if I am 'clever' but am not actually apply myself within what I write. I just spew words. But is there substance?

I know these self judgments are abusive and irrelevant and irrational. So I stop.

But perhaps look at why I 'feel' I am not being completely self honesty in these writings. Or that I'm not actually applying myself.

Forgiveness is Key.

Beucase as I carry all that i have written - I have not allowed myself to let go.

And this is what Self forgiveness is. It's allowing self to let go of all the 'extra weight'. The burden that we place on ourselves - the mistakes that we make, things we regret, things we know we could be 'better' with. Self Forgiveness to re-direct the point.

Because once I 'see' what i am doing - it's then to stop and release it - through applying Self Forgiveness.

Because untill I do - I will constantly bring myself back to 'the point' until I realize, the cycle stops when I do.

Forgive and Let go. Then Move.