16 April 2011

Day 13 - The Ego wins this time - yet I still Breathe

my partner had a talk – specifically because the night before we got into a argument about me saying to him that his experience wasn’t ‘real’ because he used the words think, believe and feel. I  know these words are specific – yet he did not like me ‘invalidating him’. He says he sees nothing wrong with thoughts feelings or beliefs/emotions being a part of the human experience – yet everything desteni has shared says otherwise. And I realize it’s not about what ‘they tell me is true’ the truth needs to come from me in self honesty. Yet – I’ve proven to myself that these things are not real – because I have stopped my participation. Perhaps this is what I need to realize. That if I was living these principles and being the example, or perhaps walking through these points as self will – then I would be able to share my experience myself. Then it would not be knowledge and information – it would be lived as me, proving that these things are in fact the delusion and the deception.

I did experience resistance to him. This moring I layed in bed and gave in to my resistance, arguing with myself about getting up and just facing him and communicating to him what is necessary – yet I gave in and just layed there, I gave in to the idea of myself, as the ego, needed to be right – to prove a point, and spite him with my inaction to speak. And as I layed there, I saw what I was doing. And I felt bad – there is guilt looking back now, because I realize that I could have stood up in that moment. Obviously – I can’t go back – yet will I realize within this moment again?
Same with my communiation. Time for me to realize that communication within equality, doers not need to argue or prove a point. Common sense sepaks volumes therefore I do not need to raise my voice – and I say this because I see why I am raising my voice. Because I want to prove myself. To be right and to prove him wrong. I want to be the winner. Yet, no one actually wins. Life suffers instead. And this is unacceptable. I gave in to many limitations today.

All this time writing this – I’m wondering if I can use these words for my blog. There is a part of me screaming NO! Too personal – to exposed. So – cool, I will spite my ego that tells me no and direct myself to be self honesty in all ways – not fearing exposing myself to all equally.

Pushing through the limitation and standing up for myself. Here is how we change ourselves, not take shit from the ego/mind and decide for ourselves who we are going to be. I chose to be someone who isn’t afraid to be self honest – for all to see. Hopefully it can assist someone else who reads this – perhaps they can relate and say hey, I see me here within these words, and I know I can stand up for myself too.