29 June 2014

350: The Unending Search for Validation

Here I am continuing on from the previous blog posts wherein I have been investigating, releasing and correcting a particular point within me in relation to a new job.

Today I will go into the self forgiveness for the particular dimension of this reaction, which was basically a fear I have, stored as an image within my mind, of the possibility of me 'looking bad' within the two jobs from either being late or having a conflict of schedule that doesn't allow for me to be at one job because i'm scheduled at the other. So it's a self-image I am attempting to protect, in fear of being seen as a 'bad employee' and overall as a 'bad' human being as who I am within my jobs and how I conduct myself says a lot about who I am as a person overall and so fear of me coming across as not caring, irresponsible, and inefficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a future within my mind, as an image of me being late to one of my jobs due to having two jobs at the moment and fearing that I will not effectively manage my schedule to ensure I am 'there' for both jobs when it's required of me and to within this, see myself as failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing as an image of me within my mind of having to call one of my jobs to let them know I am going to be late due to having more than one job and any conflicts of scheduling that could arise from that, and to within this, react to the image/definition of me as failing as thinking no way this can happen - I must stop this and so instead of addressing this fear within me, instead turn to back chatting about the 'busy schedule' and questioning if this is something that I really want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be seen as a good employee as a self definition and a definition others attach to me within a positive energy charge, wherein I can serve my self interest as defining myself as 'the best' in relation to how I work and who I am within my work, where I can get praise from others that tell me I am a good employee - and so wanting to hold onto and protect this instead of realizing that that does not in fact define who I am as an employee, but more the work that I do and the starting point from which I am doing the work and so here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'work' from within/as the starting point of proving myself and presenting myself 'as the best' and to within this, expect and anticipate positive feedback from others as a way to feel good about myself through who I am at my job instead of from within/as a starting point that is best for all wherein I take into consideration the job I have to do, those that work with me and around me and how my actions and behavior effects all equally and so instead of being focused on getting my positive feedback from others, simply do the job that is required of me because it is necessary for me to do, not because I will get some sort of validation reward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent through accepting and allowing myself to participate within this positive energy/validation reward system within my mind in relation to my job, wherein I will act in ways to paint the best image of me, instead of acting in ways that are physical, practical, and best for all, including myself, within my job environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be better than others in my job as to impress and make myself look the best in the eyes of my managers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in ways as to produce a response from others that give to me a feeling of positive energy, wherein I can define myself as a 'good employee'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen, realized and understood what I was in fact accepting and allowing within my job, as an employee, wherein there was this hidden search, ulterior motive within me that was attempting to gain the most positive energy through presenting the image that 'I am the best' at my job and to be held up on a pedestal and to within this - fear losing it, fear the 'me' I have come to accept and allow to define me as when I am working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the 'best image of me' as the 'best employee' at my new job, as it is a new environment and new information I must learn and am not yet comfortable with and so within this, fear I will not be able to present this image of me that gives me the best/positive feedback from my managers and co-workers and so feel threatened and insecure within the new job and instead of taking responsibility for this whole game I am playing with myself, blame the 'busy schedule' as a possible 'out' for me to not have to face this fear of simply being another worker, equal to and one with all/others, and doing the job as what is necessary/required of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to define myself within all that I do - wherein I must make everything that i do, including my job, a point with which I can define myself within and to within this, desiring to be the absolute best and better than others - not seeing/realizing and understanding that what this implies is astounding if I take a real, self honest look at the statement I am making within this whole play out... that I am not defining myself within who I am, as actually making a decision within myself about who I am and what I do and why I do it, and instead I still search externally and outside of me here for others to define me/tell me who I am - to define myself. That I have no relationship with myself wherein I can be and stand comfortably without needing or wanting some energy stimuli to give me an idea of who I am based on some feedback from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to expect to get positive energy as a validation feedback from things outside and separate from me here, such as my job, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that what is required here is that I correct the relationship I have within me, towards me, as me - within ALL that I do - as that is clearly in need of attention and care as I can see that I am suggesting I am incapable of giving to myself that which I would like to receive and am so expecting from others, which is validation that I am good enough and okay and worthy to be who I am - instead I search for it in various aspects of my life and within this, always miss the point of me being here, breathing, my physical body, as this physical life and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my job as another external source from which I can attempt and try to harness the most positive energy/feedback that I get can from others instead of investigating what it is within me that accepts and allows the idea that I require others/outside sources from me here to validate to me that I am good enough - why and where have I not lived this as myself? Why and where did I accept the idea that self-validation can only be found in what I do and who I interact with?

I see, realize and understand that the fear I had/have of 'failing' was actually the consequence of one of the relationships I've had within my job, wherein I have created myself to be 'the best' employee and to within this, expect feedback (positive energy) that I can use to define myself accordingly and to ultimately feel good about myself. And so the fear of losing this character, this personality I have constructed within my job as I am now in a new environment where I must learn new information and a new structure and change the ways in which I've become comfortable within work.

So cool point to face and forgive as I see, realize and understand that this point does not exist as self-support but only as a self-limitation as I am then limited to my job to validate the experience of myself - remove the job and who am I? And I mean this goes with anything we do or any relationship we have - the moment we define ourselves according to 'what we get' in terms of self-definitions, in outside sources, separate from ourselves HERE, then what happens when that point/person/relationship is removed? The crash and burn...

Maybe there is no crash or burning, yet there is a void that is left within ourselves as we did not fill ourselves with the self-definition that we could practical live as ourselves in each moment.. that is not dependent upon positive energy feelings or the ideas others have of us, and instead took that part of ourselves, that potential of ourselves, and gave it away to someone or something else to be the 'provider' and so we separate ourselves from ourselves. This is then the process (writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, self commitment statements, and the corrective application) we must walk to get back 'home'... back to ourselves where the ability to live self-worth, self-validation, and self as LIFE for real, in equality and oneness, has always been and existed, HERE.

Will continue in the next blog with corrective statements.

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