Where do I start? I suppose my whole life was leading to this point - where I face myself and this world in it's totality. I mean it's inevitable for us all to face the truth of ourselves - as we cannot continue on the path we are currently on - there has to be a change - whether we like it or not. Because in the End - Life is calling each one to wake up to the realization that we are here - we are responsible and we are the only ones to change ourselves/this world. No one can save us - no one can change us - we have to move ourselves and decide for ourselves what life is - who we are in relation to life and how life will be lived. As we can see currently - this thing we call life - is only self destruction. And so - we have to stop and re consider the path we are walking - and dare to do something that has never been done in all of the time humans have walked on this earth.... See each other and ourselves Equal. Live Equality and Oneness and stop waiting for an imaginary being/beings to direct ourselves - but to BE the directive Principle of ourselves and our Life and to create a world that is BEST FOR ALL - it is time, once and for ALL.
So again - where do I start? I found Desteni/the desteni message about 2 and a half years ago. At that time I was working at job I had been at for over 6 years, living alone, drinking, using marijuana consistently, existing in polarity(on again off again) with my boyfriend at the time - and still seeking and searching for anything that gave me answers to the questions that existed within me since the time I entered this world. I was living stagnantly - waiting for something outside of myself to tell me who I am - where I come from - why I am here and what was my purpose in this Life.
While I didn't ever question the world systems that are currently in place - I 'knew' there was something more to life - I know there was something I was missing. I knew that this desire to know myself was real and my whole life was a quest in finding that which I was looking for. Never realizing I was only looking for myself. But I didn't see this/realize this - I used religions and spirituality and books and gurus and self help books to tell me anything that 'made sense' and ultimately made me feel special in life and content with myself. -This never lasted.
I wanted desperately to 'be somebody' in this world. I wanted to be special - to have a special purpose in Life - to be known and looked up to and seen as something great. I attempted to attain these tings through various ways.
In high school - I was set within a predetermined life where I was told I was going to be famous. I was going to be in the entertainment industry and was going to make a lot of money. I was told I was beautiful and my beauty was rare. I was told I was special. And even though I did not feel this way about myself - as I was always uncomfortable within my own skin - I wanted to feel better and believe everything that everyone told me. So I pursued this desire to be special through acting and modeling classes. Years and years I believed this was what I was 'suppose' to do - and I did all I could. I believed 'once I get this - then I will be happy and will be content with my life - and I will be able to use my 'statues' to bring awareness to this world. lol - sound pretty egotistical doesn't it? Well I was - but within the starting point of extreme sense of being unworthy and different and not good enough and I wanted with all my being to feel special - to not feel like an outsider - to be accepted by others and this world and to have a special place in this existence.
Once I finally became self honest with myself within realizing this is not what I want - I don't want to be famous - I don't want to be an actress or a model - realizing this was placed before me as a path I was suppose to live - I decided to stop my delusions and attempt to fulfill an idea of myself and let it go completely. This is the first time I experienced a sense of freedom.
Backing up just a little bit - the reason I held such a belief in this 'i wanna be famous' was because growing up I was exposed to 2 forces that are currently driving this world mad. Religion and Spirituality. Religion on my dad's side of the family where I was sent to church and learned about god and heaven and hell and what would happen to be if I was a sinner. Once this no longer played a part in my life anymore - I had my mom's side - of spirituality. Where there were beliefs of ghost and the after life and life purposes and souls and psychics and healers and the idea that there was a 'reason and purpose' for our lives. I learned about past lives and reincarnation and communication with the other side. I learned about 'gifts' of the soul and being able to 'open up' to more then what we can see in this world. And through this - believing that there was a reason I was here on earth - that I decided to be born into this world and my life was a lesson for me to live - to advance as a soul in heaven. That this was just one of many lives I had lived and that I decided and planned my life before I got here - and will remember again why I decided to come here after this life was over.
So my motivation in life was to find out why I was here. What was my purpose - what did I plan to experience - what lessons did I need to learn? And throughout my life - I had many psychic readings that all told me the same thing. I was going to have a life of bliss - and I was going to be someone 'great' and that I would be happy and I would help people. Great - I thought - now when will this happen? I was in a constant state of 'waiting....' believing that my life was already planned out - so I just needed to 'go with the flow' and enjoy the ride.
So that was my life. Waiting for something outside of myself to tell me what to do - to direct me - to give me a SIGN. My whole life was reading into what was happening outside of myself and trying to find a 'deeper meaning' and a path I could follow. Fuck - I was such a follower. Believing whatever that made me feel special and comforted me within my overall dissatisfaction with life.
As a child - I had questioned 'who am I' and why do I experience myself the way that I do? What is this voice in my mind? Why can I 'hear' myself within my mind - what is this internal dialogue that I am able to have. Why does it seam like I can actually hear myself but no one else could. I would not get these answers until many many many many years later - when I was finally ready to become self honest and take responsibility for myself as life.
I am jumping a bit all over the place within this writing - but it's like - my whole life was bringing me to this point of Desteni - all my life I was being prepared to face the truth of myself and it's because of the life that I lived and the questions I asked myself that I was open enough to hear - to see what is here.
I had experiences with psychic development classes - learning to 'trust my intuition' and the desire to open myself up to my 'higher self'. Believing that there was a part of myself that was aware of myself in the totality of myself and all I had to do was train myself to open myself up to know all that my higher self knew - to have this 'higher more expansive' perspective of life and who I was within and as a part of the puzzle. Because ultimately - I wanted to know what life was. Why we were here - how am I 'aware' of myself in this life and not others. What is the point of this life. Why does the world exist the way it does - how did it come about to be this. Where were we going - simply - what the fuck was the point?
Every time I beLIEved I has an 'answer' - I was content for a bit, until the energy ran out and I sought out for more knowledge and information. It was 2007 that I had discover 'the secret' and the law of attraction that I thought I hit the jack pot. I was told I was the creator of my reality - that my reality and experience could change if I simply changed the way I looked at it = my state of mind. I believed my thoughts were was created this reality - that they were real - and the thoughts I had would create the reality of myself. And so - I accepted this idea that I am my mind - I am my thoughts - and so I wanted to have a blissful lovely life where I felt good and could experience of joy that life is. So i thought only 'positive thoughts'. I looked to the 'brighter side' - I stayed positive. No mater what happened - I always found the 'beauty' in it - the silver lining - finding the reason things were the way they were - in accepting what was here as 'negative/positive' and believing I could choose which side of the coin I could exist within. So I stopped my participation in the 'negative'. I stopped paying attention to what I defined as negative - which was this world as the bigger picture' and just focused on the positive in my moment to moment reality. Believing if I just painted a pretty picture - then I would create this for myself. But it was all based on money - believing I could create more money for myself which in turn would create a better life experience for me. I was in complete acceptance of this current economic system and was lost in self interest to create a better life for me and to have what i wanted.
But I could never live this constantly - I was always fluctuating, And every time I would fall from the 'high' I would have to push myself to get back on top to feel better believing this what who I really was and how I would get everything I desire in life.
At this time - my religious and spirituality back ground came together for me - and I thought I had it all figured out. We are all one - yet various level of the 'one'. I believed there was a god/higher being that has a master plan to this world - and that I could have a relationship with this 'god'. And that this 'god' would guide me as it was a part of me - where I came from - and I had the gift of god to create a life that was meant to be lived. But it was no in the best interest of all - as I accepted we were all on various levels of awareness - there was no equality - only that we were one and each one learning whatever lessons were needed for them. I even justified the people that starve to death in this world - and those that got raped - and the those thta are abused - that we are all creating our own realities - and there was a reason all of this shit existed. Wow - what a fuck up!
Then - the energy of 'the secret' dissipated and I was again finding myself wanting to know more. To find more - looking again anywhere I could to find out the truth of this life. This brought me to the internet and it's grand selection of information that fuels all sorts of belief systems in this world. I started looking into conspiracy theories - about the government - the elite, 9/11. Even aliens and government cover ups. I started seeing michael moore films which supported me to see there was something wrong with the world systems that we currently have - and thats when I was finally ready to hear the solution - to myself and this world.
Within all of this shit that i Have layed out here - all this stuff was iwthin my mind - i was defining myself according to all this stuff - accepted what I wanted to hear and used whatever I could to make sense of myself what what is going on in this world.
It was then early 2009 - and I believed there was something happening within humanity. There was an awakening taken place. Obama just got into office - more people were becoming aware of 'higher consciousness' and the truth about our world systems/goverments/the elite. More and more people were seeking some sort of truth 'out there' and I beleived we were heading for a mass awakening. This tied into to the whole mayan prophecy - and believed we were living in an exciting time on earth. we were facing changes on a global scale and it would happen magically and without anyone taking relsponsibility - but it was a process happening outside of ourselves that we just had to 'go through'.
And then... I found desteni. At first glance - I was intrigued because I was seeing this girl 'channel' (as I would describe it from my perspective/experiences). I thought it was cool but didn't investigate it more. Except I kept finding myself back to her youtube channel. And the more videos I watched - the more I opened up to what was being said. I saw the many vast videos she had - like over 600 videos of beings from the dimensions speaking about life and existence and humanity and life after death and about what is here as this reality. The first few months of going back and forth to the videos - it didn't all make sense to me. I wasn't actually hearing what was being said - I was just watching from the perspecitve of seeking new information and knowledge that I could add to my list of beliefs. Then something hit me. I decided this is the most realistic point I have ever experienced as a being 'channeling' form the other side. So many beings with so many videos all sharing the same message. Humanity was existing in separation of themselves and beleiving they are just thinking machines. That each one was looking outside of themselves for answers to who they are - without considering that each is simply here.
I then decided to start from the beginning. I went to the very first video that was ever shared and walked through them until I was 'caught up'. What I learned through this process and could see clearly for myself - was that Humans were conditioned mind personality - existing as thoughts feelings and emotions. Pretending to be this personality and existing in self interest and separation from each other - each existing in their own mind bubble reality where we did not consider this physical reality or ourselves as simply physical breathing beings.
Going back again, through out all my many finding in different belief systems - I was never presented with practical tools I could live. I was told to just have an attitude about life and never dared to question what was here as life and nature and the world systems and the many different structures and relationships. And I always felt like I was never doing enough - or that I didn't know how to actually support and assist myself to become self realized - or to change - I only had many ideas and beliefs that I had to follow and have faith in - never was it presented to me to become self honest, or to consider taking responsibility for what have been created within my reality and this world.
Desteni gave it to me straight. While there were many beings sharing many experiences - the message was stable and always the same. It was direct - it was raw - and it was revealing to me just how much i was abdicating my self responsibility for myself and who I was. Everything made sense to me - it was common sense. This world exists the way it does - because I exist the way that I do. It was a mirror reflecting to me who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. What this world was - was me. Competition, war, abuse, separation, polarity, beliefs... all of this exists because I have accepted and allowed it within myself. As above so below. As within so without. I realized I am equal and One with what is Here as this World - with ALL that is here as this world - and it was time to stop trying to ignore the realization that I am responsibility for this world in inequality. It was time to start forgiving myself and moving myself to become real. Because what I began to see - is that i accepted myself as this thinking being. That I am my thoughts and this secret reality I have within myself was who I was - not realizing that that is the illusion. That was is real is what is physical and what matters is what is in matter. The mind was an alternate reality I was existed within - separate form this one reality we all share. I was ignoring myself as life - as the physical - all here equal and one - through allowing myself to exist within my mind - in the past and the future, in beliefs and perceptions, within my own self interest of a personality i designed to find a place in this world.
I was supported to start questioning what was here - to question who I accepted myself to be - what I accepted myself to believe - and to realize I have enslaved myself to the conditions of my life experiences. I have trapped myself within my minds eye of who I am - and I have completely disregarding all life as me through accepting this world the way it is - not realizing I am actually responsible. I was supported in realizing I have been waiting my whole life to find something outside of myself not realizing that I am Here. Simple as that. I am Here - in this world - in this body - in this One life and I have been wasting my life seeking to find fulfillment outside of myself. I have been in self interest looking for my purpose and reason without investigating solutions for this world - I was only looking for solutions for myself.
I was supported in realizing to wait for an after life is to spit on this world and the millions that suffer. To live my pursuit of happiness without the consideration of what is best for all is the definition of evil - as I was then participating in the creation and continuation of this world as inequality/separation.
I had completely separated myself from myself and it was time for me to face Reality - to come back to earth - to get real and to start living a solution for this world. To be the change I want to be in this world.
SO I was able to hear the desteni message - because I was ready to become self honest. I heard/saw the common sense of what was being shared and I knew that Equality was the only solution to this world. Even after applying the tools and participating within the group for awhile - I wanted to stop and go back to my life of ignorance - wanting to go back to my personality that was accepted by society - and didn't want to be responsible for myself any more. But the more I tried to do this - the more I saw what Desteni shared was the truth. That this world is evil and each of us are responsible. That the Desteni of the Universe is the birth of Equality and Oneness. And this Process of change/rebirth happens through actual practical living applications. Breathing - writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, self corrective statements/applications - to stop the pre-programmed lives we were meant to live that supports the current state of the world - and to equality within ourselves the polarities that exist within us as the mind - to get back to earth - to get real - to face what is Here as ourselves - to direct ourselves and to stop being a slave to our thoughts, feelings and emotions. TO once and for ALL DIRECT ourselves to be that which is Best for All - a Human Being breathing Here taking responsibility for all as one as equal and walking a process to correct this world - because we see it is unacceptable. This was my desteni. I cannot hide the truth of myself - as I see myself within every moment I am here. I see when I am moving from fear or desire or self interest - or jealousy or competition, and it's up to me to stop and re create my starting point to one that I direct. where I am not being directed by my mind as these various energy manifestations - but living here as life as the breathe as the physical - letting go of all self definitions I have accepted of myself - and walk this process of self change. To change myself and to change this world. Because I realize - None are Free Until All are Free - and All are Free within Equality.
I realize to wait for a savior is to accept enslavement - and if I want something done - I have to do it myself. I realize/could see that I don't need to wait to get to heaven before I realize myself - I can bring heaven here for all and we can start actually living.
The Desteni message is stable, It is common Sense. It is what is Best for All - and it is the Solution to the freedom of All Life. I couldn't deny what I could see for myself. Now it's just time to Live it.