29 June 2014

350: The Unending Search for Validation

Here I am continuing on from the previous blog posts wherein I have been investigating, releasing and correcting a particular point within me in relation to a new job.

Today I will go into the self forgiveness for the particular dimension of this reaction, which was basically a fear I have, stored as an image within my mind, of the possibility of me 'looking bad' within the two jobs from either being late or having a conflict of schedule that doesn't allow for me to be at one job because i'm scheduled at the other. So it's a self-image I am attempting to protect, in fear of being seen as a 'bad employee' and overall as a 'bad' human being as who I am within my jobs and how I conduct myself says a lot about who I am as a person overall and so fear of me coming across as not caring, irresponsible, and inefficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a future within my mind, as an image of me being late to one of my jobs due to having two jobs at the moment and fearing that I will not effectively manage my schedule to ensure I am 'there' for both jobs when it's required of me and to within this, see myself as failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing as an image of me within my mind of having to call one of my jobs to let them know I am going to be late due to having more than one job and any conflicts of scheduling that could arise from that, and to within this, react to the image/definition of me as failing as thinking no way this can happen - I must stop this and so instead of addressing this fear within me, instead turn to back chatting about the 'busy schedule' and questioning if this is something that I really want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be seen as a good employee as a self definition and a definition others attach to me within a positive energy charge, wherein I can serve my self interest as defining myself as 'the best' in relation to how I work and who I am within my work, where I can get praise from others that tell me I am a good employee - and so wanting to hold onto and protect this instead of realizing that that does not in fact define who I am as an employee, but more the work that I do and the starting point from which I am doing the work and so here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'work' from within/as the starting point of proving myself and presenting myself 'as the best' and to within this, expect and anticipate positive feedback from others as a way to feel good about myself through who I am at my job instead of from within/as a starting point that is best for all wherein I take into consideration the job I have to do, those that work with me and around me and how my actions and behavior effects all equally and so instead of being focused on getting my positive feedback from others, simply do the job that is required of me because it is necessary for me to do, not because I will get some sort of validation reward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent through accepting and allowing myself to participate within this positive energy/validation reward system within my mind in relation to my job, wherein I will act in ways to paint the best image of me, instead of acting in ways that are physical, practical, and best for all, including myself, within my job environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be better than others in my job as to impress and make myself look the best in the eyes of my managers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in ways as to produce a response from others that give to me a feeling of positive energy, wherein I can define myself as a 'good employee'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen, realized and understood what I was in fact accepting and allowing within my job, as an employee, wherein there was this hidden search, ulterior motive within me that was attempting to gain the most positive energy through presenting the image that 'I am the best' at my job and to be held up on a pedestal and to within this - fear losing it, fear the 'me' I have come to accept and allow to define me as when I am working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the 'best image of me' as the 'best employee' at my new job, as it is a new environment and new information I must learn and am not yet comfortable with and so within this, fear I will not be able to present this image of me that gives me the best/positive feedback from my managers and co-workers and so feel threatened and insecure within the new job and instead of taking responsibility for this whole game I am playing with myself, blame the 'busy schedule' as a possible 'out' for me to not have to face this fear of simply being another worker, equal to and one with all/others, and doing the job as what is necessary/required of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to define myself within all that I do - wherein I must make everything that i do, including my job, a point with which I can define myself within and to within this, desiring to be the absolute best and better than others - not seeing/realizing and understanding that what this implies is astounding if I take a real, self honest look at the statement I am making within this whole play out... that I am not defining myself within who I am, as actually making a decision within myself about who I am and what I do and why I do it, and instead I still search externally and outside of me here for others to define me/tell me who I am - to define myself. That I have no relationship with myself wherein I can be and stand comfortably without needing or wanting some energy stimuli to give me an idea of who I am based on some feedback from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to expect to get positive energy as a validation feedback from things outside and separate from me here, such as my job, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that what is required here is that I correct the relationship I have within me, towards me, as me - within ALL that I do - as that is clearly in need of attention and care as I can see that I am suggesting I am incapable of giving to myself that which I would like to receive and am so expecting from others, which is validation that I am good enough and okay and worthy to be who I am - instead I search for it in various aspects of my life and within this, always miss the point of me being here, breathing, my physical body, as this physical life and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my job as another external source from which I can attempt and try to harness the most positive energy/feedback that I get can from others instead of investigating what it is within me that accepts and allows the idea that I require others/outside sources from me here to validate to me that I am good enough - why and where have I not lived this as myself? Why and where did I accept the idea that self-validation can only be found in what I do and who I interact with?

I see, realize and understand that the fear I had/have of 'failing' was actually the consequence of one of the relationships I've had within my job, wherein I have created myself to be 'the best' employee and to within this, expect feedback (positive energy) that I can use to define myself accordingly and to ultimately feel good about myself. And so the fear of losing this character, this personality I have constructed within my job as I am now in a new environment where I must learn new information and a new structure and change the ways in which I've become comfortable within work.

So cool point to face and forgive as I see, realize and understand that this point does not exist as self-support but only as a self-limitation as I am then limited to my job to validate the experience of myself - remove the job and who am I? And I mean this goes with anything we do or any relationship we have - the moment we define ourselves according to 'what we get' in terms of self-definitions, in outside sources, separate from ourselves HERE, then what happens when that point/person/relationship is removed? The crash and burn...

Maybe there is no crash or burning, yet there is a void that is left within ourselves as we did not fill ourselves with the self-definition that we could practical live as ourselves in each moment.. that is not dependent upon positive energy feelings or the ideas others have of us, and instead took that part of ourselves, that potential of ourselves, and gave it away to someone or something else to be the 'provider' and so we separate ourselves from ourselves. This is then the process (writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, self commitment statements, and the corrective application) we must walk to get back 'home'... back to ourselves where the ability to live self-worth, self-validation, and self as LIFE for real, in equality and oneness, has always been and existed, HERE.

Will continue in the next blog with corrective statements.



























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28 June 2014

349: Aligning the Inner and Outer Realities

Continuing from the previous blog and on with corrective/commitment statements in relation to the self forgiveness applied in yesterday's blog. Read here for context, and suggest to read the following out loud to support yourself.

When and as I see myself participating/entertaining and thus believing the back chats within my mind in relation to my new job and the possibility of a busier schedule, I stop and I breathe as I see, realize and understand that at this stage, I cannot trust the 'me as the mind' as within my mind I exist within only the consideration of self interest, and through investigating the back chats within my mind, noticed that it was in fact hiding the real issue I was facing yet was not being self honest with myself about and instead created back chats as a distraction and fear for me to dwell in instead of taking it into the physical, and so when I see back chats in this context arise within me, in relation to my new job, I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to participate and instead flag that moment for myself to investigate in physical reality, with physical reality, to get to the real source of the issue that is going on within me as I also see, realize, and understand that if back chats exist within my mind then I am  not directing me or my reality and instead allow the mind to lead me in giving me direction in terms of how I 'feel' about a particular part of my life and so I commit myself to become self directive of myself, as no longer allowing back chats to direct or influence me within how I experience myself and instead take all points that come up within my mind into the physical act of writing and of actually slowing down to clear the clutter and get to the source of the problem.

I commit myself to longer trust the back chat statements I make within my mind, as defining myself as the back chats, and instead I commit myself to trust me to physically write out what is going on as I see, realize, and understand that the nature in which I've created myself 'as the mind' has an ulterior motive and that is to ensure I follow the program of painting the best image of me and so if in someway "I" as the mind feel threatened or will not come out looking the best, I will compromise my-self within my own mind to talk my-self into one direction or another and so I commit myself to develop real self-trust which is through self honest writing and so to no longer trust the voices in my head that I've come to define as 'who I am' as it is a version of me that is not best for all and so useless in the context of physical life and living

When and as I see myself having/participating in back chats that are going against an initial decision I've made, especially here in relation to my new job, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the emotional reaction which is just a form of self-compromise and instead flag this moment for myself to investigate in writing, as I see, realize, and understand that the back chats do not match the reality of the decision I made and the outflow of that decision, and so there is no equality within and without and so I commit myself to investigate any discrepancies I see within my mind that suggest a different perception then the one I made initially in terms of my job as getting to know what is really going on - to see what is behind the scenes and what it is I am attempting to hide from myself in the form of back chats as to ensure I align my inner and outer reality to be equal and one, the same

I commit myself to aligning my inner reality within/as myself and my outer reality as my physical environment and my actions and words to be that of equality and oneness, so that there is harmony and not two different stories being told, on behind the scenes as my mind and one I am walking in real, physical, space and time

I commit myself to take responsibility for the decision I make that influence the direction of my life and living and so to not exist in some separate reality within my mind wherein I have back chats and thoughts and opinions about what I am doing and instead ensure I am clear within what I am doing, and thus clear within who I am as what I am doing, as I see, realize and understand that I made the decision to get the new job and so now I must face myself within this decision and the outflow of this decision and so I commit myself to be self honest with myself in moments of reactions as back chats in relation to my job as taking responsibility for the creation of my situation, as I realize, see and understand that I made a decision that altered my life in terms of my schedule and thus I am fully responsible and so I commit myself to not blame or whine as my back chats and instead clear myself through writing and self forgiveness to ensure I am walking within clarity what is practically best for me at this stage

I commit myself to question every thought, back chat and conversation as what I've come to define as my 'thoughts' and 'my mind', that is in my head that I participate with as accepting and allowing within myself, to ensure it is a practical consideration, as I see, realize, and understand that until now, I have always existed in my mind as ways to lie and deceive myself as to not see the real issues I am facing and so making sure I am not aware of the issues required to change, the relationships required to change, which always has to do with the relationship I have to myself, and so I commit myself to get to know myself, to align the relationship I have with me and thus all that is here as me, to ensure that I am standing within principles that are best for all such as self honesty and self responsibility. I see, realize and understand that when I am existing within my mind, I am feeding an idea I have about me and about my reality and it's always in the service of my self interest and so I commit myself to question and investigate myself through daily writing, daily self forgiveness, and daily self commitment statements through into corrective application as the physical act of self change, responsibility and honesty as to transform me from a being that sees only what is best for me as the image within my mind of how I would want others to see me, and instead into a being that considered the life of all, how who I am in every moment effects and has an influence on those around me and so to ensure that I do not accept and allow myself to exist in ways that are not aligned to the principles of equality and oneness, what is best for all, and doing to others what I would like done unto me.

And so I commit myself to walk this journey of cleaning up from the inside out, challenging and questioning the 'who I am' within myself as my mind to ensure it reflects the kind of world and the kind of individual I would like to see in this world and that is one that is best for all and so I start with myself . 




























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27 June 2014

348: The Consequence of Lying to Myself

Continuing from the previous blog, I am here to firstly address the point of using back chats as a way to distract myself from seeing the real issue I was facing within myself in relation to a new job, and to for even a moment, entertain the perception I was coming up with within my own mind in relation to a new job. For context, I suggest reading the previous blog. And for support, I suggest reading the following self forgiveness out loud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as back chats within my mind as statements I make to myself about my new job causing me to have a busy schedule and to within this, consider whether this is something that I really want to do and so in a way, participate within a fear aspect of contemplating 'what I should do' or 'if I should do this', instead of bringing it through into physical reality writing, as I see, realize, and understand that to consider things within my mind only has, at this stage, the potential to serve only my self interest, and to exist in ways that perpetuate my current nature which is to run when fear emerge in relation to trying something new and thinking I will fail, which actually exists without considering physical life and living, what is practical, and what is best for all and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the statements I make within my mind as if I am actually 'looking' at a point, yet not seeing, realizing, understanding that statements I make within my own mind that have a bias to them or an energy attached to them, such as fear, is always serving some character within me that is not being self honest with myself - I am in fact hiding something or not seeing the real issue and instead attempting to justify some initial reaction I had and thus trying to make a decision based on an emotional reaction or a perception that is not seeing practical reality and instead only seeing whether I will come out in the best image or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the statement within my mind of, "This will be too much" and "I wont have any free time" and "Do I really want this?", as the progression of self compromise that was leading me down the path to make a decision that essentially would not be best for me, as it's played out so many times before in my life, and also within this, did not see or consider or even take responsibility for the fact that I accepted the new job and to keep the current job and so I am the creator of my current position/situation and thus responsible for the position I am in now - which when I look at the decision to get another job, I see it was done in the context of what was best for me, what was necessary for me at this stage and what was actually practical and thus here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within these back chats for even a moment, as the act of not taking responsibility and basically going into a form of blame for my current situation, instead of seeing that the decision I made led me here and thus must face myself here and what it is I am in fact afraid of, as I see/realize/understand that there is something else going on, that the busy schedule is not in fact the problem, as the initial consideration to get another job was to in fact utilize all the free time I have in a way that will best support me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the voices in my head, as the back chats that come up and suggest a perception of my reality that I should believe is real and valid, instead of in that moment, stopping and breathing and not entertaining or participating with/as them for even a moment, and to instead take it into physical writing, as actually writing it out and seeing for myself what was going on and whether I am being influenced by any positive feelings or negative emotions which exist to serve my current version of me as self-definitions within self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within my own my mind as the back chats coming up in relation to the new job, and the 'busy schedule' and to within this, not see, realize, and understand the real issue in which I was facing, what I was protecting, what I was hiding from myself as I see the consequence of this is the act of actually lying to myself and to within this acceptance and allowance, creating the habit of me lying to me, creating myself as my nature as one i cannot trust and so as I do to myself, I can easily do to others and so within this, realizing that accepting and allowing myself to trust the back chats within my mind that were actually deceiving my own self from the real issue, I've created a consequence that is in fact not best for all, as what I do to myself, I do to others and so here seeing more clearly the outflow consequences of who I am within/as this world and how that effects others in my reality, and the world as a whole - imagine 7 billion people lying to themselves, and thus lying to each other, willing to deceive each other as they deceive themselves within their own minds. This would definitely create a world of conflict, and friction and ultimately a place where humans cannot be trusted to do and be and act in ways that are best for all as they are not acting in ways that are best for themselves.

Commitment/corrective statements in the blog to follow.




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26 June 2014

347: The Real Issue - Protecting a Self Image

In the previous blog I brought up this point of a new job and how within that, there were some initial hesitancy and fears in relation to the change.

In the last few days, since going through orientation and getting the training shifts scheduled, I've noticed reactions about how my schedule will be 'busy'. "This will be too much." "I wont have any free time" "Do I really want this?". And what was interesting is that these were the statements I was making within my mind, yet it was not the actual point that was triggering the reaction within me. Meaning - there was more 'behind the scenes' that I was not yet seeing that was causing me to then turn to a 'busy schedule' as a way of basically drawing attention within  myself to something that doesn't really matter in terms of facing the Real issue here. 

The real issue - a fear that threatened a self-image. The point I saw that was the 'real issue' in terms of what I was having these reactions and back chats coming up was due to a future projection - of seeing me 'failing' as not managing my schedule effectively; that somehow I would 'fuck it up' and let down or disappoint one or the other jobs. That somehow I will miss a shift, or will be forced to be late due to travel between the two jobs. And within this then, the fear of being seen as not a good employee. So really - my self interest is in jeopardy in my future projection (that alternate reality within my mind where I envision what 'could' happen yet hasn't actually happened, thus is NOT real) - I am anticipating ways in which to avoid 'looking bad.' Which is always the story... doing, acting and speaking in ways in which we think we will get the most positive feedback and be seen in the best light, where we simply define ourselves according to what we do and what happens in our life and use it to either define ourselves as good or bad and as we do unto ourselves, we expect others to do unto ourselves and we also do the same unto others. And if we think there is no plausible way we will get the best picture of ourselves painted, we simply will not do it. 

That is interesting because that I can see would be a dimension of a point I also brought up in the previous blog, where this pattern I've played out in my life of compromising opportunities to try something new, like a new job, by simply going into fears and excuses as to why it wouldn't work, yet never realizing that the self interest was the determining factor in terms of the plausibility of whether I would come out looking good and not a failure, and through my lack of awareness and understanding of how my mind works, I simply followed the fear and the image of me failing as the good enough reason to not try something new.

Either way I am, within this, attempting to protect an image of myself, fearing how others will see/define me as I see/define myself and all hidden behind the disguise of the projection/excuse of having a 'busy schedule', when in self honesty, I'm afraid I will not come through looking my best and someone 'out there', external from me here, will judge and define me as not a good employee. Yet - have I considered that I was the one that made the decision to get another job and thus create 'more' for me to be doing during the week? I was the one that decided to keep both jobs and to juggle them both, and so that is obviously a point I decided was necessary for me, so the 'busy schedule' is irrelevant to what is actually going on within me in relation to the new job. So, must cut through my own bullshit, my own deception to see what is actually going on so that I can take self responsibility for myself and the actions I take and the decisions I make that essentially create the nature of who I am. If I am lying to myself in the form of back chats, and not being real with myself in terms of the 'real issue' I am facing, then how easy it becomes to do that to others and so then we have an individual within this world that is willing to deceive another simply because they deceive themselves.

In the next blog I will continue on with self forgiveness.




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346: Projection, Compromise, and Consequence

I recently was interviewed for a new job, and got the position. I was slightly hesitant about it at first because it would be a change and essentially me stepping out of my comfort zone, yet after the interview I saw it was the potential necessary to get me moving in terms of my financial position.

There was some fear in relation to speaking about this new position to my current manager, at where I currently work, as having to limit my availability and basically changing my schedule around. I thought she would take it personally and I am putting her 'out', like in a bad position/situation. Although, I did not consider, until now, that there are so many people at my current job that are wanting to work more and the shifts are simply not available. So it can actually help her with accommodating more people and take off some pressure she might have in terms of people looking to her for more shifts and wanting to work more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to A about limiting my availability within projecting myself onto her that 'she' will take it personally instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the practical, physical reality that it will allow her to accommodate more people by not needing more for myself - she will have those shifts I am no longer able to work to give to others who are wanting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally within my life that weren't ever really about me, but decisions made that were in consideration of what was practical - and through taking things personally within my life - project this of myself unto another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's "bad" and "wrong" for me to have another job as what is best for me at this stage and to have instead allowed this nature of allowing fear to direct me within the decisions I make - to compromise me in the past, as to limit myself in my own ability and opportunities to grow and expand.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself fearing and judging my decisions within what is piratically best for me, as supporting myself within making financial decisions that allow for the most potential, to stop and breathe as I see, realize and understand it is inherently a pattern of self-compromise as limiting my self within opportunities that can potentially support me more effectively at this stage in my life/living.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my own nature as when I am taking things personally, when and as I see myself taking things personally, I stop and I breathe and I investigate what about it I am reacting to as what I 'think' is being done unto me by others and to release the pattern with self forgiveness and self corrective application as I see and realize and understand that if I continue to participate as accept and allow myself to take things personally, I will just, in my abdication of self-responsibility, project it unto others and manifest more consequences within my life and relationships with others wherein I will have these added layers to any future decisions or considerations I make




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16 June 2014

345: Slowing Down

Continuing here from the previous blog, the following are the commitment statements and corrections to be lived from the self forgiveness applied towards my relationship to time:

Art by: Chiara Aime
When and as I see myself react negatively to the time it will take to complete a particular Agreement Course lesson, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the reaction and back into and as my physical body within the realization that the negative reaction is fueling the polarity relationship I have created within and towards time wherein I have thought that the quicker I get something done, the better I am and so seeing and realizing the negative reaction is due to the fear of being seen/living out the negative definition I have given to the time it takes to get something done as slower is worse and so I commit myself to no longer participate in the polarity relationship as quicker is better and longer is worse and to instead work with physical space and time, as breath by breath, moment to moment, day by day when walking through my Agreement course lesson as I realize that to apply/redefine one word a day is a cool process of consistency, discipline and self-direction and so I commit myself to slow myself down within myself, through and as breath, and walk consistently rather than quickly as here I realize that is how I am able to support myself to perfect the process I walk as what is required of me within the Agreement Course lesson.

When and as I see myself approaching jobs or responsibilities, tasks or situations within the starting point of rushing, as to get it done as quickly as possible - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to my body, back to me here, stopping and slowly down myself as this rushing energy, as I see and realize that the rush-ness experience I have created within myself towards things in my external reality is due to defining 'getting things done fast' as something positive and so I am in a rush to get to the end as the positive self-definition I think and believe I can then see myself as, as doing something effectively because I did it in a shorter amount of time. I see, realize and understand that the speed in which I do things does not define who I am, it is in fact 'who I am' within what I am doing that defines and determines who I am and so I commit myself to approach myself from within a clear, self-honest starting point within the various responsibilities, tasks, jobs and situations that I encounter as to ensure that I am not attempting and trying to make myself more as seeing myself as positive within the belief that 'quicker' is 'better' and so I commit myself to when I see this rushness experience come up within me, to stop and breathe and clear myself to ensure that from that moment, I am moving, as my starting point, from self-awareness, as self honesty, and breath by breath, slow but surely walk as consistency.

When and as I see myself judging myself for the pace in which it takes for me to get things done, as being too slow, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the judgment of the mind and back into my physical body here and so to the realization that in accepting and allowing myself to continue participating within this judgment, I am participating and thus sustaining a polarity relationship I have created within my mind that says going fast through things is positive and going slow is negative and thus attempting to only fulfill an idea of myself that makes me feel good as being on the positive side - Instead I commit myself to stop participating in this polarity relationship of/as time, and instead walk with/as/in REAL space and time, which is breath by breath, moment by moment, no longer existing within the mind that is in separation of me here, and thus in separation of real, physical time. I commit myself to stop judging myself based on ideas I've created within my mind about time, and instead walk physically with/as time as what is here, breath by breath.

When and as I see myself paying more attention to an emotional reaction to considerations I make as the application or 'how to' approach specific tasks or responsibilities, such as completing my agreement course lesson, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the mind and energy of the negative emotion and instead back to my body, here, and to give myself that moment of honoring the self-supportive considerations I was making for/as myself within walking/completing my agreement course lesson, as I see and realize and understand that to allow myself to simply go into/participate with the emotional reactions existent within me, I miss so many other aspects/dimensions that are here for me to see and thus limiting myself within my ability to see and assess what is best in the context of practical, physical reality and so I commit myself to 'stick to the physical', through and as my breathing to ensure I am not accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from what is best for me in how to approach certain situations/responsibilities and thus no more accept and allow myself to separate myself from 'working with the physical' - as what is here, in/as real space and time

When and as I see myself reacting positively or negatively to 'time' - I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of my mind and back here to physical reality, to REAL TIME, to my breath and to investigate the relationship I have created towards time in that moment, and to release any polarity charges, definitions, or ideas about time that I have made up in my mind that then influence me as how I experience myself IN TIME, so that I can stand clear, here, in physical space and time and thus walk the process necessary in aligning myself to time - which is breath by breath as moment by moment - walking in the present and thus no longer accepting and allowing ideas I have created within my mind to influence/direct me within how I must approach things - I see and realize that everything that goes on within my mind is in the nature of finding the best definition to serve my self interest as my ego, as the idea/image of me - which I see and realize is not real, yet I have allowed it to be lived out as me and thus see it's consequential effects in my day to day living and so I commit myself to no longer participate within time as being positive or negative and simply allow myself to be here, allow time to move and thus allow me to move with/as time, through practicing my breathing and working physically everyday with what is necessary for me to be done within the principle of what is best for all

When and as I see myself wanting to rush to an end result, to a future projection or to quickly get something done, I stop and I breathe and I deliberately SLOW myself DOWN in/as that moment as I see and realize and understand that I have created a tendency/habit/nature that is attempting to rush through life and within this rushing, missing what is HERE, in every single moment of breath, wherein time no longer exists as how I've come to see/perceive it to be, as going so fast, and I must align to that fastness of the mind - no, I see and realize that the physical moves quite slowly actually, and I have the ability to align myself with/as that slowness of/as physical reality and of/as physical space and time and so I commit myself to stop myself whenever I see myself rushing within myself and to practice in that moment, breathing, slowing myself down, bringing myself back here to/as/within my physical body and so equal to and one with/as this physical reality and thus supporting myself to become self-aware as each moment in embracing, seeing, living and learning what it's like to LIVE HERE.



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04 June 2014

344: Rushing to get my Energy

Here I'm going to jump into the self-forgiveness process for the previous blogs wherein I wrote out this point of who I am in relation to time, specifically a negative reaction I had to the amount of time it would take to complete a specific lesson I am currently walking within the Desteni I Process - Agreement Course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within a negative emotion when considering my own self-supportive application of 'how to' walk my current agreement course lesson as one word a day, and within seeing 50 words to be done as 50 days it would take to complete - react within thinking it was 'too long' and wanting to get it done faster as to define myself within a positive energy as being 'accomplished' and able to move through things quickly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moving through things quickly and getting things done fast, as in a shorter amount of time, within a positive energy charge and thus approach things within my life within this starting point wherein I want to be able to serve my self interest as defining myself within this positive definition as being the best and the winner and somehow greater because of the amount of time it takes me to get this done, in defining the shorter amount of time as the better way to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a race within myself through a judgment of going slow with things in thinking and believing that if one is fast in getting things done, then somehow they are better and so to define myself and judge myself negatively for being slow and thus attempt to reach the polarity of this as the positive feeling of being 'fast' and thus accomplished

I forgive myself that I have did not accept and allow myself to see and realize the supportive application I was giving to myself in considering to walk the redefining process of 50 words in 50 days as being a practice of self commitment, self consistency, self direction and self discipline and instead see only the emotional reaction of 'not being fast enough' and thus not take into consideration the other aspect of such a process/walk/application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 50 days to complete an agreement course lesson as 'too long' and to within this, react to the idea of it taking me that long to complete it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put certain time frames on the things I do as either being right or wrong, good or bad, positive or negative, and so approach myself from this split starting point wherein I am trying to avoid the negative definition I have given to a particular amount of time and thus attempting to attain the positive definition I have given to a particular time and so in essence, competing and racing against myself as my own self created ideas of 'what is good' or 'right' or 'better' than something else, in the context of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this reaction, completely miss the point in which the agreement lesson is all about, which is to get to know myself as the words I've lived throughout my life and to determine whether they stand within the context of practical physical life and living and to change who I am as the words I speak/live to be that, to be a living expression of me, as to become the living word and instead attempt to live out an idea of how to make myself better as being done with the agreement course lesson quicker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within time, see it as something that I must race against and complete things in the fastest amount of time and so within this, missing the living example I see all around me as the physical earth in which I see the time it takes to create oneself as standing the test of time, and so within this, not realizing that in my race through time, I miss the process of how to perfect oneself in ensuring one is seeing all aspects, all considerations, all dimensions and all information, in every moment, in relation to oneself and their life to be in the position to best support them within how they direct themselves and their life and so miss the process, the journey to life and living through only seeing the end result and the energy I can gain through living out my own self created ideas about the time it takes to get things done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to speed through time instead of embracing the real measurement of time which is my breathing, wherein each moment is defined in a single breath and in that process of becoming aware of the breath, I am slowing myself down to walk with/as physical space and time - yet here seeing myself exist instead within the mind wherein future projections, the end results, and how it serves my energy addiction become more valuable to my ego/self interest and thus I miss the moments, the opportunities I have in every single moment to apply myself within my living commitments such as living to my utmost potential - which would include to become self-aware in every moment and thus deliberately directing myself within all I do where no ideas or mental constructs influence me in how I walk/apply myself within space and time

Will continue in more blogs to come...



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The Journey to Lifers

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Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
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