05 September 2012

Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict


All day yesterday I was consumed with the desire for attention of a guy – a point of focus I could zoom in on to keep me busy – to keep me entertained. Looking for energy to get me excited and feeling like I want to live. Fuck – that’s sad.



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reason for life is the idea of love found between 2 people



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never question the relationships that currently exist within this world, when we claim ‘love exists’ between 2 people, and yet the world around us shows something else, I never second guessed it and got in line to be the next one up – to win the jackpot that found love in this world, to feel good and not have to face the reality of our existence



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the casino system of relationships –where some win big with believing they are in love, and others stay in hope, waiting for their chance to be the ‘big winner’



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the possibility of finding love in a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life based on relationships with others



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to so utterly ignore myself and the relationship with myself that I Have become desperate in ‘finding’ a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I Have never allowed myself to realize that that which I seek in another – I have not yet realized/lived/gifted to myself... more so, I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to LIVE the realization that that which I seek from another, I am seeking from myself and thus commit myself to giving to myself that which I beLIEve I can only find in another - realizing EVERYTHING in this world is in REVERSE.



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the hope of finding someone I can be in a relationship with and believe I will live ‘happily ever after’



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept and never question the fairytale stories that were told to me by adults, about finding someone to be in love with and believing that that is the purpose of life – instead of investigating for myself what Life is in fact and realize that life is not currently here in this world, and the pretty picture is just a cover up for the undignified existence we have become



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the current state of the world that says, “find your bliss” and “follow your dreams” and “pursue your happiness” – instead of seeing the truth of this as being a self interest human that does not take into consideration what this world is actually showing, all the systems, all the relationships, all the religions, all the cultures, all the war, the poverty, the abuse, the suffering… showing us our seeking for ‘fullfillment” implies we have not fulfilled our life here on earth – we have allowed it to be destroyed, and keep destroying it when it is not questioned, challenged and CHANGED



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use relationship as a means in which I believe I can find my happiness, implying that I am not capable of being happy here with me, not even considering that until all of humanity is happy as being supported equally to live – happiness does not exist in this world



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love as a drug in which I have become addicted, where I seek the next high to get me buzzed with the ‘feeling’ of love, instead of realizing it’s energy – that I consume from my physical body to feed the mental reality of ‘feeling good’… instead of taking a breath and looking at the truth of myself, and the truth of this world.. and stopping the seeking outside of myself and once and for all – realize myself here



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is about feelings projected another another being



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to wait within my life in CONtentment, seeking the next thing that will keep me satisfied in complacency, where I can pretend that “life is good” because I am cared for, and loved by another and as I have all my basic needs met, I beLIEve I am thus free of any responsibility for the whole of humanity that suffers from the imaginary dream world we all participate in



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time seeking something outside of me, such as relationships, instead of realizing the only relationship I am looking for is with me – is ME HERE.. and once I have the relationship with myself sorted out – then and ONLY then will I have a real substantial relationship with another – where I am no longer expecting them to give to me that which I can only give to myself and I am able to thus give of myself unconditionally, as I am then giving myself all that I need and so would not expect anything in return within self interest, only an equal participant in creating a world that is best for all



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will find the meaning and purpose of my life in a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe being in a relaitnship with another is the only way I can have joy in this life



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the desire for relationship so much so that when I am not in a relationship – I am kept busy within myself with thoughts about being in a relationship and thus not satisfied with myself, here, in my life currently, as I am breathing… not taking the breath as me as that which is really alive, my physical body… stopping for just a moment to see, hear, be here.. and realize… life is joy, I am joy and once I am able to be here as joy, as it’s real within this physical reality, I will no longer seek life outside of me, I will be life, living every breath I take



I commit myself to stopping all desire and addiction to relationships outside of myself and live the realization that the only relationship I seek is the one with me - in getting to know myself, who I am really, and doing that through committing myself to daily writing, breathing, self honesty, self forgiveness, until I give of myself so that my cup is full and no longer exist within wants, needs and desires separate and outside of myself here