Posts

Showing posts from August, 2012

Day 64 - Facing the Reality

Image
Facing my reality and what is happening - and not wanting to face it. Wanting to hide away in my bed and sleep it away... as if it will go away or I will wake up to it being all a dream. As if physical reality is a dream - it is not. It is absolutely fucking real, and what happens in our reality - is ourselves. So instead of attempting to run away and hide - rather stand up and face the music. Face what is here and get to know myself within this. Who am I willing to be in the face of my reality? One that stands up and takes responsibility? Or one that cowards away in attempting to escape, trying to live the dream of make believe where everything is the way I want it to be. Time to get real.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to in the moment of facing my reality and seeing an outflow I did not want to happen - attempt to hide and run away within myself in not wanting to face it, not wanting it to be real, but wanting to pretend it will go away.



I forgive myself …

Day 63 - My Inner War with Canada

Image
(From Aug 8th, 2012)

Today, my brother, his girlfriend and I went into Canada. While we were there, I saw myself comparing a lot of it to America – and had this “my country is better’ character as me. Where I was like, “fuck Canada, this is lame, let’s go home” – so Identifying myself as an “American” and within that comparing America to Canada as being better, and so seeing myself as better being an American. This sense of feeling more comfortable within the US – obviously it’s what I am familiar with. Yet – seeing the illusory lines that separate countries and people from people – I was participating in this ‘role’ as playing the character of “American”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an American, where I believe “my country” is better then others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Canada based on the city I saw, and within that defining America as ‘better’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed m…

Day 62 - Fear of being called a Religious Freak

Image
This post is in relation to a reaction I had to another's words to/toward me. The truth is he was probably joking - yet within myself I reacted and so here I apply the self forgiveness for it:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another when they called me a religious freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within the energy of anger when another called me a religious freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's words personaly when they called me a religious freak, as I reacted in anger and thus took their words personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that whenever I take anothers words personally – I am within and as my ego as self definition in separation of who I really am here as life as the breath as the physical

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear person A thinking that I am a religious freak because of person…

Day 61 - Reactions to not getting what the "Helpful Character" Wants

Image
Tonight while I was getting the dishes ready to be washed – I saw myself ‘snap’ another with quite an attitude. My whole physical body moved, my head and my body – and I was quite reactive to them. They said to me, “those dishes need to be put away” and within this I reacted, because I felt like they were saying something to me I already knew and that they could put them away themselves instead of ‘demanding’ it of me. Right after – I saw this reaction, and saw it was not cool. There is no reason to speak to another in that way, and only shows how I was reacting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to react to another when they said the dishes needed to be put away because I was already getting the dishes ready to be washed and felt they did not recognize this and instead gave me more to do besides what I had already taken upon myself to do

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to do the dishes within the desire or attention and energy from others as …

Day 60 - Loneliness

Image
Aug 3rd, 2012
While sitting down to write here – I had this experience come up of ‘loneliness’ = where I thought about going online and checking my email and see what is going on within the group – and I can’t do that here, because there is no internet or even cell phone service, and within this – loneliness and missing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am lonely here at the cabin because I cannot check my email and see what the group is doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I miss the group because I cannot go online and see what is going on/participate in the daily activities – and within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a participant of desteni – wherein not participating, I believe I have lost something or missing something – when in fact I am here and thus I am whole – I am complete – I am here and so I forgive myself that I have accepted a…

Day 59 - Thinking of things to do... Instead of DOING it

Image
While I was away for a couple days - before I left I 'made plans' within my mind to do certain things while I was away. This did not happen. While I attempted to 'set myself up' to 'be productive' I failed before I even began.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust myself within my mind when I am thinking about things I can do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the thoughts of things I will get done in terms of the future, instead of realizing this is separation as the future projections are a distraction, and while I was thinking of 'what I could have done' - I could have been DOING the things that required to get done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the THINK about what I can do - instead of actually doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the space of my mind that creates thoughts and ideas of how to live - instead of liv…