635: I Am Depending on Who I'm With

I listened to an old recordings I had from back in 2010 where the point of discussion was around how I had never actually learned how to communicate with males because I had programmed and conditioned myself to be a very specific person, with very specific words and tonalities, body language and movements and a very specific presence around males... always within the starting point to 'catch a mate'. And so the point was how I never really developed how to be myself around men. Which I remember how bad this used to actually be - meaning how much I actually changed myself for and in the presence of males - and although I've seen a change, I do still see this change within me when in the presence of males.

Of course I've 'caught my mate' lol so the context is different, but that lack of developing 'how to be myself' around males still has a consequences in my life today and so I see I can become more directive and specific within myself when around males... and really anyone for that matter.

There are moments where I will become diminished within myself when I am around someone I define as powerful, or I will become tense and cold when I'm around someone I 'dislike' or want to avoid or I will become quiet and shy around those that I think are more fun or outgoing than me...

The point is there is still a change within me when I am around certain types of people that I am not directly or within awareness deciding to actually be... it's just a program that runs on autopilot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself around other people according to who I've accepted and allowed myself to be in relation to that type of person as what I've defined as them

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be myself around ALL people, men, and women, equally the same as me just being me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never develop a way to communicate with men that is of equality and oneness wherein I don't see them as an object of desire or someone I can get something from and rather another human being that is the same as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous and tense around males because I never allowed myself to be myself around them and always believed I had to be a certain way so that they would see me in a very certain way and so constantly trying to uphold this facade

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be the same when in the presence of everyone and anyone where depending on who I am with I do NOT change because who I am is not dependent upon what types of people I am around because I have not defined and judged them within a certain category and then placed myself in a specific and certain category in relation to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge people according to how I think they are in relation to me and according to that, change myself as to fit into a definition I've placed within myself as to 'how I am supposed' to be around that type of person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate being with other people wherein I have categories and storage units within my mind that hold information about the different types of people in this world and who I am in relation to those types of people and when I get around a certain type of person, I take out my toolbox of personalities to then become that personality in the flesh

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot just be myself with males

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot just be myself with people I see powerful and authoritative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot just be myself with people I see as fun and outgoing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tire myself out by having to think so much about who I must be when around certain people - always calculating the best personality to use

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet create a constant within myself wherein I DO NOT CHANGE when in the presence of males, people of authority, or those I see as more fun and outgoing as me and rather express myself based on my actual decision and directive principle and not because of some self-definition I've given to myself and the definitions I've given to others that I think I must act according to those guidelines

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to practice seeing ALL people as equals and thus allow me to BE equal to all people

A friend of mine shared some really cool practice support when it comes to this point... to SEE the skeleton of the person instead of the flesh and the form... because we are all in fact just skeletons... just a bag of bones and THAT is our actual equality...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see others equal to me as underneath it all - the sex, the form, the flesh... we are all just a skeleton

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define others according to their sex and flesh and form instead of realizing the presence as the being is what matters in who the person is and that who I am in relation to all other people is what matters... not the personality suit I put on depending on who I'm with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically change when around other people as thinking and believing I cannot simply be myself

When and as I see myself changing physically within myself when around males and others I define as powerful, authoritative, outgoing/fun, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that underneath it all, we are just skeletons and we all look the same and are the same and that who I am should not be determined by who I am with and so I commit myself to STOPPING myself in moments when around those I change myself around and to rather practice being myself by firstly breathing... slowing down in those moments to ensure I am not participating in a personality that wants to present myself as someone in relation to an idea/definition/judgment I have within my mind about who other people are and thus who I am

I commit myself to practice staying the same whomever I'm with

I commit myself to learn to love being myself with anyone and everyone

I commit myself to develop a relationship with all people that are supportive of each being able to be themselves... open and comfortable

I commit myself to stop changing myself according to ideas about who I am in relation to others and instead change myself because I see the very nature of myself, as my mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, has been conditioned to exist in separation and not in consideration of life in/as equality and oneness


Art by: Andrew Gable


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