626: Nothingness as the Space Within

And that's it. 30 days done just like that. I surprised myself actually while also knowing I was capable. Grateful for that self-forgiveness walk... a lot of points opened up, a lot of suppressions released, a lot of practice in daily reflection.

So now what?

What is left? There are still points I have to face of course, but what I'm noticing more is a space, a quietness within me - my mind a little less active than before. And this brings up a cooooool point. I've experienced in the past couple months a reaction within me when there is nothing really motivating me to do something - when there is nothing stimulating myself to act or apply something specific, there's this reaction like a fear of having nothing in me... like I'm boring or empty or even dead lol.

But what I can see is actually a nothingness - which is precisely where I want to be. Moving from NOTHING is pure self-creation, self-movement, self-direction. Because from this nothingness I am the one deciding who I am, what I want to say, what I want to express, how I want to act, which action I want to take. It's all Me.

And this is a first. I have never experienced myself like this before but this is what I've been walking towards and here I see the beginning of a space being created within me where there are no fears or energies of positivity or expectations or a desire for something... there is actually nothing and from that, a self-will to move.

So here I am, the day after a 30-day journey and I am back to the daily blogs. What is here? There was nothing... just me. I knew I would be continuing my blogging journey because it's something that I see of value for myself but no particular point or topic to discuss, except this nothingness.

No-thing-ness. It is definitely uncharted territory as I have always been filled with information, ideas, projections, pictures, imaginations... always something that popped up first that would cause me to speak, act or do nothing. So it's like what do you do when there is nothing moving you?

There is not a whole lot to say on it at the moment, just an awareness of its emergence... it's like space. That is how I can describe it... space within me which makes sense as I've been busy emptying myself... letting go with the self-forgiveness, releasing the past, the associations, and definitions that define my experiences. And so rather than react to this nothingness as if there is something wrong with me, I choose to embrace this space within me... this inner dwelling I can find peace within, that I can actually trust and that I can call home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as boring when I am standing in nothingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to nothing moving within me instead of realizing this is where I want to be... this is who I want to be... nothing within me directing and influencing me... only me based on principles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am dead inside when there is no movement within me  instead of realizing I am actually waking up for the first time as I am not walking with the past or caught in the future... I am actually present in THIS reality as the physical body, the physical space, the real-time breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a dependency on emotions, feelings, and thoughts where I think and believe I NEED them to exist within me in order to speak or act instead of realizing all they were was knowledge and informaiton passed on through generations that acted as widsom but lacked any common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe thinking, feelings and emotions is what makes me human instead of realizing the flesh and blood and bones and the physical design is what makes me human and what makes me humane is who I am within each moment and I would rather be empty of knowledge and information, like a child, open, emrbacing and excited about life and willing to LIVE in each moment without anxiety, worries or fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be alive is to be empty - to exist within a nothingness wherein I have not attached, associated, defined or enslaved myself to anything - that I want nothing, and need nothing other than the physical, practical realities that keep me alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to fear this nothingness within me in thinking and believe to be human and to be alive means to be full of emotions and feelings instead of realizing those emotions and feelings keep me trapped in an energy cycle of highs and lows, positives and negatives and I completly miss the actual reality of life and living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the thinking man is actually dead and the breathing beast is what is alive

When and as I see myself fearing the nothingness within me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this nothingness is a first and is unknown and that is why I fear it but I also see, realize, and understand this nothingenss is what I've been walking towards since I took on the process of changing my nature... to stop the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions as energy - removing all this knowledge and information stored within me through self-forgiveness and to exist completely and abolustely HERE, self-aware and alive for the first time

When and as I see myself reacting to not having anything within me to move from, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this implies I need something to move and motivate me... that I am not able to do that for myself and so I commit myself to show myself that I don't need thoughts, feelings, and emotions to move me but that I can exsit within the space within me that is nothing... that is darkness and silence and that is exactly where I want to be as it is HERE

I commit myself to trust this growing nothingness within and as me

I commit myself to embrace the opportunity nothingness is as being able to MOVE myself

I commit myself to practice moving myself in those moments of nothingness where I decide for me, from nothing, to speak and act and in that, strengthening that relationship with nothingness that is me

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