Kristina's Journey to Life

My partner and I have been creating a habit of working together with Living Words. We created a word web at the beginning of our agreement/relationship as the words we wanted to live and express in the agreement/relationship.
So the word Agreement is in the center of our web and from there all the various words and expression we want to be a part of our relationship branch from it.

Every few days, or weeks, or months we pick a word from the web - usual just at random, one of us running our finger across the page of words until the other one says stop and wherever that finger lands is our word to work with. We discuss the word as what initially comes up within us in relation to the word - how we see it, how we define it, how we relate to it... then we walk with the word for a few days in ourselves and our day to day living. We then come back together after those few days to discuss our findings, specifying within that how we see we are able to make the word Livable in a Practical Way.

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I'm sick again. This is the second time this year and within me are the thoughts "not again" and "what did I do wrong" and overall a judgment towards me for being sick again as thinking this is a negative consequence to something I've done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to becoming sick again in thinking I shouldn't be sick again since I was just sick a month or so ago

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being sick as not wanting or willing to let myself really relax as being sick because I think I'm not supposed to be sick, and I've already been sick so I've 'done my time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being sick in thinking and believing I've done something wrong, as a point of a negative polarity as a judgment of 'bad' instead of considering and asking myself what created this, or how was this created and …

I have been facing major resistances the past few weeks - and only this week did I realize it was actually a resistance within me towards pretty much everything I've been doing and creating in my life. Initially, I was looking for the reason I felt unmotivated, disinterested, and overall lethargic... looking for a reaction that was influencing me in this way and in my experience. Then my partner offered a bit of insight as basically, I am resisting everything I've been busy with as my process of self-creation.

I am no stranger to resistance, yet it's been a while since I've experienced it. I did not see it like that initially. And now that I have, I realize there is much I can do because I've worked with resistance before. Not sure if ever to this degree, but I've dealt/faced and walked through it on multiple occasions. And so here I am again, facing another wall, a seemingly infinite wall I cannot fathom something existing beyond. Though I know that is not re…

I listened to an old recordings I had from back in 2010 where the point of discussion was around how I had never actually learned how to communicate with males because I had programmed and conditioned myself to be a very specific person, with very specific words and tonalities, body language and movements and a very specific presence around males... always within the starting point to 'catch a mate'. And so the point was how I never really developed how to be myself around men. Which I remember how bad this used to actually be - meaning how much I actually changed myself for and in the presence of males - and although I've seen a change, I do still see this change within me when in the presence of males.

Of course I've 'caught my mate' lol so the context is different, but that lack of developing 'how to be myself' around males still has a consequences in my life today and so I see I can become more directive and specific within myself when around males…

When I am stressed I see the first thing I have a tendency of doing is getting frustrated with my partner. All of a sudden I'm focused in on what he's doing wrong, or what he's not doing enough of... everything he says I roll my eyes at. When I am feeling stressed, he becomes the target I aim it at.

One aspect of this is because the stress is indicating something I am not taking full responsibility for, or where I have not done everything in my self-honest ability to prevent a situation where stress is being created... there are things I haven't done or am refusing to do which creates stress. And while I SEE this, instead of taking absolute responsibility for it I throw it unto my partner to deal with. I become a stressor for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict within myself when I am stressed and as a way to release this stress, become blamey and judgmental towards my partner as if he's at fault for something instead …

A point here of feeling quite disappointed from a play-out in my reality where the imagination and HOPE for it was completely different, and from that high expectation, the great fall into the negative...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create disappointment, as a super low, within myself because of having expectations as a future projection of how things were going to play out and charge it with extra strength positive energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give so much time and energy as an investment into my imagination of something to come and when it was not at all what I imagined and fantasized within me myself, feel foolish and disappointed and literally feel like falling within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away within my imagination where I took an actual physical reality and imposed my own ideas and desires unto it that was not at all substantiated in reality but existed…

Today I listened to part 1 of a 6-part series about "inner strength" from Eqafe. I could absolutely relate to the recording as how I have in MANY moments throughout my life denied, lied, and suppressed how I actually experienced/felt in a moment just to "save face" as showing a presence of strength... because I have come to define my emotional experiences/reactions as a weakness.

Presently I see this mostly with my partner, where there will be a subtle reaction/conflict between us and as per usual, we will ask each other about it, and if my partner asks me if I reacted, I will say no as to appear stable. And this really bothers me because I know first hand how important it is to have a partner willing to be self-honest as a point of cross-referencing for you what you are seeing/looking at/experiencing yourself and if they deny in a moment what they are really experience, it can fuck with your ability to be able to see... So he will see a reaction within me, and in…

One point that came up as I was coming to an end of the 30-day of self-forgiveness was to continue the journey with a 30-days of sounding self-forgiveness. This would be to speak the self-forgiveness out loud, sounding myself as the words, as the forgiveness, with my voice. I thought that would be a very cool point to walk as I also have hardly given myself the opportunity to really establish myself within my voice, and my sound.

What is interesting is one of the very first experiences I had with speaking self-forgiveness was quite radical in that I saw physically what I was moving within myself... how I was actually physically releasing these threads of information from myself, as giving up ideas, beliefs, self-definition, and limitations I've held onto for so long, and at the same time, experiencing this centering within myself, within the very core of myself. It was a remarkable experience because there was movement and substantiation with every line of forgiveness I spoke. Si…

Someone recently said something to me that was kind of shocking to hear... they knew exactly how I felt about another person, without me ever having to say it directly. I in fact never did say it directly to anyone, yet somehow this person KNEW what I thought I was hiding, so perfectly may I add, within myself. Because while I had experiences that I defined as disliking someone, I never dared show that to them or others... or at least I thought I didn't...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can hide who I am by not speaking my thoughts, without realizing my BODY and my PRESENCE Resonate exactly who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel negatively towards someone but to show them a positive face and to think within this I am hiding my real feelings instead of realizing we humans communicate on a much deeper level then the false face we show each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myse…

One weakness I see I have that I can work on strengthening is prioritizing. At work and at home I notice certain tasks will come up and I tend to do them first, even if there are other tasks I've started that are more pressing, I tend to just go with what comes up in a moment and so I'm constantly putting off other things. Part of this weakness of not prioritizing effectively is due to a resistance where some of the tasks I put off are also ones that are more challenging to me where I am not as comfortable doing them or I don't have much experience within it so I resist it because it's unfamiliar. Though the awareness of the weakness is the first step in changing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not prioritize things that are more important than other things and instead do the jobs/tasks as they come to me instead of being willing to put those aside for a moment to do the more important/bigger/more pressing jobs

I forgive myself that I h…