Kristina's Journey to Life

A continuation from the previous blogs in relation to family... more points of consideration opening up of what it means to stop the generational family lines, to have it end with me and to be the key for the children to usher in heaven on earth. I've heard the old must go before the new can step forth. As a parent, we must stop/end the old as the patterns that have been past down from past lives and the children are the new - the clean slate, the fresh start, a clear starting point to create from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I have a responsibility to the future generations and to this world wherein who I am as bringing children into this world will determine the kind of world that is created and I am either carrying on and passing onto the next generation the sins of the father or principles that will create a world that's best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, r…

I have a tendency of reacting to my partner when he seems to be facing difficult points within himself - where he's dissatisfied with aspects of his life, where he resists getting up in the mornings, where we are not similar in terms of how he approaches his days. I seem to have more of an optimistic viewpoint and he can be a bit more pessimistic. And so when I see he is in such an experience of resistance towards his life, I find I take it personally. I make it personal. I think it's because he's dissatisfied with me or that somehow I'm doing something wrong, or somehow I can make it better. And here is where I have had the tendency to think I must change to make him feel better, or I have to be the solution to his problem. I then put the responsibility he has within himself in how he relates to his world on my shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see my partner is dissatisfied with his life in thinking and …

More on the family points - diving in deep to source out the conflict and find some understanding...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in relation to who I am and what I've experienced throughout my life in relation to my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself into a point of needing to cope, deal with, and escape from experiences I've had within my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I cannot deal with the experiences I've had in relation to my family as I think and believe there's too much, it goes too deep, and I've in a way given up on them and me in relation to them anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my family as thinking and believe we are too far gone, the dysfunctions run too deep that there is no way to make it right instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that is exactly what both…

Continuing here with the family points.. in my initial blog that I opened up in regards to who I am in relation to family, and how I've come to define the word family, I mentioned one of the first things I noticed come up within me in relation to 'family' is the word suppression.

There is a partnership relationship within this word suppression and that is addiction. I have seen and experienced a lot of suppression within myself and my family and an equal amount of addiction. And what I've come to realize is that addictions stem from suppressions.

When we do not deal with or address or acknowledge or change things we experience within ourselves and our life, we are suppressing them. And in that suppression, we create a need to cope or cover up, or hide from what we are suppressing. This is where addiction comes from - the need to feel something else, to focus on something else, to keep ourselves busy and distracted from the real things within ourselves needing our utmo…

Yesterday's blog post created a lot of fear within me... fear to share the truth of what I've accepted allowed, fear to admit I've had racists thoughts. Part of this fear is seeing how unforgiving this world is, how reactive it's become and how much it's unwilling to understand.

I fear I will be labeled a racist, that I am hateful and that I see others less than myself. That I am the epitome of a white woman who is ignorant and blind in this world.

I realize I wouldn't fear this if I didn't actually live this to some degree, but I think more importantly to focus on is the fact that I fear the world being unforgiving to me - unwilling to let go of who I was and embrace who I am doing my best to become. So the question is - am I STILL unforgiving to myself or others? I'm I still unwilling to let go of who I was, and who others were? Am I embracing who I am doing my best to become? Am I embracing others unconditionally?

Interestingly enough the one point …

I grew up in the States. To say our history is full of racism is an understatement. We perhaps have one of the most brutal histories regarding racism that has played out even in the last 100 years. We also had some of the greatest thinkers and activists that were Men and Women diminished and targeted just because of their skin color but rose up to become influential, even in my own life, despite it. And yet some of them, while making quite an impact in our world, still did not make it out alive.

It's Black History Month in the States. Part of me thinks it's a shame we have to have a month to celebrate and remember Black History because in reality there is only One History and that we should recognize and remember year round the generations of abuse and torment Americans have put itself and each other through to ensure we once and for all stop it and do not repeat it or to not forget those that stood from it.

Our History was brutal, and it involves all colors. And perhaps the …

My partner and I have been creating a habit of working together with Living Words. We created a word web at the beginning of our agreement/relationship as the words we wanted to live and express in the agreement/relationship.
So the word Agreement is in the center of our web and from there all the various words and expression we want to be a part of our relationship branch from it.

Every few days, or weeks, or months we pick a word from the web - usual just at random, one of us running our finger across the page of words until the other one says stop and wherever that finger lands is our word to work with. We discuss the word as what initially comes up within us in relation to the word - how we see it, how we define it, how we relate to it... then we walk with the word for a few days in ourselves and our day to day living. We then come back together after those few days to discuss our findings, specifying within that how we see we are able to make the word Livable in a Practical Way.

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I'm sick again. This is the second time this year and within me are the thoughts "not again" and "what did I do wrong" and overall a judgment towards me for being sick again as thinking this is a negative consequence to something I've done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to becoming sick again in thinking I shouldn't be sick again since I was just sick a month or so ago

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being sick as not wanting or willing to let myself really relax as being sick because I think I'm not supposed to be sick, and I've already been sick so I've 'done my time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being sick in thinking and believing I've done something wrong, as a point of a negative polarity as a judgment of 'bad' instead of considering and asking myself what created this, or how was this created and …

I have been facing major resistances the past few weeks - and only this week did I realize it was actually a resistance within me towards pretty much everything I've been doing and creating in my life. Initially, I was looking for the reason I felt unmotivated, disinterested, and overall lethargic... looking for a reaction that was influencing me in this way and in my experience. Then my partner offered a bit of insight as basically, I am resisting everything I've been busy with as my process of self-creation.

I am no stranger to resistance, yet it's been a while since I've experienced it. I did not see it like that initially. And now that I have, I realize there is much I can do because I've worked with resistance before. Not sure if ever to this degree, but I've dealt/faced and walked through it on multiple occasions. And so here I am again, facing another wall, a seemingly infinite wall I cannot fathom something existing beyond. Though I know that is not re…