615: Not Specific to Anything yet Related to Everything (20 of 30)

In this 30 Day Journey of Self-Forgiveness, I in a way anticipated more and more stability emerge within myself - expected it actually. Thinking it would be of such support in grounding myself, and clearing myself. What I have and am experiencing here on Day 20 is actually quite different than what I expected, yet equally as supportive.

There is a lot of saddness emerging within me... and a few moments of multiple streams of tears releasing from my eyes. And after these few moments of crying, a quiet calm within me. And what I can see is a letting go of many year of suppressed emotions. I have always been a stuff it down, run a way, and ignore it kind-of-girl. If things were too tough or challenging, if I was uncomfortable or in an unfamiliar place, if I didn't like something or it didn't 'feel right', I would simply resist it, or fight it, or completely disregard it. And so what I have here is an unleashing of what I've caged within me for so long... I mean since childhood. The sadness I experience, the state of 'who I am within it' is like this child dropping her guard and longing for love. And for the first time in a long time, I am giving that child love. Real love. self-love in self-for-give-ness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the emotions and feelings throughout my life where I didn't know how to deal with what I felt, or didn't understand things that would happen, or didn't want to know why I felt the way I did... I just wanted to get away from it as fast as I could and in this, I stuffed those feelings down, I ignored my need to understand, and disregarded how I actually felt

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to feel what I have felt throughout my life... to embrace the emotions I've been through, to truly allow myself to grieve and to be sad and to mourn within the experiences I had in allowing myself to process unconditionally and a willingness to walk through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate years of sadness to where I have created a depression-like-state wherein there is just an overall feeling of sadness that is not specific to anything yet related to everything and in this realizing it is the years passed of unresolved emotions and feelings, unanswered questions without understanding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore what I've been through throughout my life and think it's better to run away to get away from the experiences of emotions and feelings I've had instead of realizing they will always be with me until I face them, understand(forgive) them, and change them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to run away, suppress, ignore, and disregard my emotions and feelings as if they were a bad thing instead of understanding where they have come from, why I experience them, and what I can do to direct them to become constructive experiences within my life that I can grow and learn from, and strengthen myself within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to resist and fight my emotional experiences instead of realizing I've only added more fuel to the fire

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be direct with myself as directly facing/embracing and standing as the emotion I experience as the only position to be in to effectively transmute the energy into the substance that becomes life support

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand with and as my emotions, as actually becoming equal to and one with them as who I am instead of seeing myself as inferior and unable to address my emotional experience or challenging experiences where there is energy in motion within me - reactions moving as thoughts, feelings, and emotions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what it means to stand equal to and one with my emotions and feelings as energy and to thus realize how I am able to direct the energy into life support substance as that is where the energy comes from - my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to realize how to give back the energy that I've taken from my physical body for the use of the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think if I ignore something or run away from something that it disappears instead of realizing nothing is created nor destroyed, it only changes form and so what forms within me when I do not address and direct my emotions and feelings?

When and as I see myself running away, resisting, fighting, or disregarding my emotions and feelings as an energy experience, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that for years I've accepted this and what I am now experiencing is the manifested consequences of that allowance where this deep sadness is emerging because I have yet to direct it and so I commit myself to embrace the emotions and feelings, from the past and the present and in relation to the future, and give it attention and direct it to transmute it into constructive living through self-forgiving back to myself the energy of my physical - grounding the energy into my body in applying self-forgiveness

When and as I see myself wanting to suppress my emotions and feelings, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that suppressing does not destroy or get rid of anything - I am only putting it into a pit that keeps on burning and creates a bigger fire and so I commit myself to stop suppressing and start embracing and understanding what it I'm actually experiencing, allowing myself to experience it, and find solutions to change the direction wherein the emotions and feelings are no more needed

I commit myself to allow myself to feel what I feel as a way to understand what I'm going through and who I am within it

I commit myself to not hide or run from myself as my emotions and feelings and instead allow myself to release it in the ways it's necessary - whether crying or talking it out or writing or self-forgiveness - taking pro-active actions to direct the energy in motion instead of suppressing it deeper within me

I commit myself to be here for me and to stop disregarding myself and what I've been through and what I go through and to be my own confidant and companion

I commit myself to continue strengthing my self-love

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