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Showing posts from 2019

663: Resistance, Complacency, and Fear of Failure

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Another blog about resistance... I swear resistances have become the story of my life. My approach recently has been to 'wait it out' instead of being more direct in understanding WHAT exactly I am resisting and why. And so, some forgiveness to get myself moving through the resistance instead of just waiting on the sidelines:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a resistance towards my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where I resist doing certain things because those things are beyond my comfort zone - they make me challenge my insecurities and self-doubts and self-definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to just let my resistance to life 'play out' and that eventually, I will 'feel' like doing something again instead of realizing that despite how I feel, I must act - that is me truly transcending

I forgive myself that …

662: The Anxiety Within Me

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In the last 4 months of not smoking, I've noticed a peculiar behavior emerge. It probably did not emerge just in the last 4 months, but it was in removing the habit of smoking that I started to notice and become aware of this other habit I had. And it very much still relates to why I was smoking and reveals more of the reasons behind my smoking.

The habit is when I am talking to someone - on the phone, or in person, I notice this mostly when I'm at work, I become anxious and I reach for food. Most times I've noticed it where I'll reach for  whatever snack, mostly nuts, that I keep at my desk, and it's been obvious to me that it's this anxiety triggering the behavior to reach for food, because often times I'm not hungry, I have not had the thought prior to it about having a snack or anything else. 
Initially, it was just something I started noticing myself doing... I would be talking to someone and all of a sudden I'm trying to talk to them while I have…

661: Reasons for My Blog Silence

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Hi all, happy Sunday.

It has been a bit since my last blog post. I wanted to check in and give you an update on what I've been up to and also refresh myself within blogging.

I started slowing down the blog posts when I quit smoking on March 1 of this year. Initially I was writing through the beginning stages but I found every activity that was part of my "normal routine" was a trigger for smoking so I essentially had to stop my "normal routine" as a point of support - basically just stopping for a while and taking it VERY easy in my reality (meaning - just doing the absolute basics and letting myself watch a lot of Netflix).

It took almost two months to start feeling myself again where I could do my normal routine stuff without feeling like I wanted to smoke after every activity. I am the most comfortable I've been in my day to day living, without smoking, than I ever have been before.

No smoking has been going great. This is probably my 4th or 5th attempt…

660: I've Reaped what I've Sown

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Not too long ago I noticed an interesting consideration within myself that I have not seen before, but was oh so grateful for. This was just past the two week mark of no smoking (I am now closing in on the 7 weeks mark) and I noticed this particular point came up to have a cigarette, and within that, an experience of longing and missing - like a feeling of wishing I could experience it again while simultaneously knowing it may never be ever again... and in that, the missing and longing to smoke.

At that moment, I realized the commitment and decision was made, and the willingness to walk it, despite how much discomfort and challenge there is, I am giving it my best to change this habit, and so I said to myself, "You are not going to smoke, it's okay, but you are not going to smoke. Just accept that." And it was like a point of gently nudging myself to face the reality of where I am, and in that, face the reality of the discomfort I experience physically in not smoking in…

659: Do you Hear what they are Really Saying?

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Here a point where I sometimes find myself annoyed or impatient in moments of communicating with others - not wanting to hear what they are speaking about, feeling like they are wasting my time - especially if I think what they are saying "doesn't matter" or is irrelevant to what we are actually trying to do...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up my time for others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give others a moment of my time in really hearing them out and being present with them instead of waiting for them to stop speaking so I can move on with what I was doing

I forgive myself that I have  not accepted and allowed myself to be interested in others' words and expressions instead of learning to stop and investigate what matters in matters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write most people off as selfish and not worth my time as thinking and believing 'they' mostl…

658: Me as The Nature of Capitalism

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Here a point of seeing when I want to create/make/produce more of something as a point of quantity over quality and what actually is then sacrificed in that stance...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to produce quantity over quality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's more important to focus on the quantity of what I produce rather than the quality of what I produce

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I exist as the nature of capitalism wherein it's become more important to produce a lot to sell, buy and consume rather than produce quality products that last the test of time, that exist to support and not to exploit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the nature of capitalism wherein I would rather produce a lot that is easy to consume rather than produce what really matters where the quality become the fo…

657: A Creator Trapped in it's Own Creation

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A point here of realizing the extent to the addiction and automatic habit I've created out of smoking and within that, the realization of the power I have as a creator because as a creator, I've enslaved myself into my own decision and choices. Throughout the years I made a decision in many moments to smoke which created it to become automatic to the point where I don't have to decide anymore, the body/mind/being smokes without the decision needing to be made. It's an established and accepted habit. Now - in making the decision to stop, I have to go against my very own programming that I designed... and finding that very difficult yet also very revealing... a creator trapped in its own creation...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reward myself with a cigarette after I finish an activity - as if smoking is the reward I get for completing a task

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the habit through consis…

656: Now How Do I Deal?

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One of the aspects of stopping smoking for me is stopping suppressions. Smoking was a way to deal with myself in many moments of different experiences and now that I'm not smoking, I am having to learn how to cope with myself in those moments. And so for me, learning how to try something new, willing to reach out when I really want to suppress, and understanding that it's going to take me doing something different to get different results.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be more proactive when I see I am experiencing emotional turmoil and instead want to just 'wait it out' and see if it subsides

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to communicate with others when I am experiencing emotional turmoil as wanting to keep it inside and not share it with anyone and not ask for support when I see I need it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself to do something different than the same…

655: Who Am I in those Moments When I Don't Smoke?

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Continuing from the previous blog in looking at the relationship I have towards smoking and time, what I can see is how there is a definition of purpose defined within smoking. Where in these in-between moments when I would usually smoke, now they are vacant and I see a void of purpose... not having any direction or meaning to myself in those moments. It's like smoking once gave me a reason and purpose at that moment... to smoke... and now that I am not smoking, what is left? Where am I? Who am I?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose and meaning within/as smoking as the moments where I would smoke, now that I'm not, feeling lost and without a reason or purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to those moments of smoking as having something to do with myself and not actually having to face myself as the question of 'who I am' without smoking... without an idea or belief or defini…

654: Since I Stopped Smoking...

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It's been more than 7 days since I last had a cigarette. I have been a smoker for more than half my life and I've attempted to stop only a handful of times, unsuccessfully obviously. The last time I tried was about a year and a half ago and I quit for 3 months. A lot of the same factors as my reasoning for stopping are part of this attempt but this time I had an opportunity to have a little help to get started. I had a couple wisdom teeth removed and both times previously I've had teeth pulled, I've given myself dry-socket from smoking right after. This time I decided I would give my body the proper time off to heal as effectively as possible and so I thought well if I won't be smoking, why not use this as an opportunity to stop for good.

So that was the initial consideration for the timing to stop. The other factor is money. I spend a lot of money to smoke and I am having a hard time these days justifying smoking my money away - especially when I can't actual…

653: Competing with my Partner

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One aspect of my agreement with my partner that has become glaringly obvious and oh so troublesome for us is the fact that we seem to not work together as a team, but rather end up working against each other - like we are actually competing, each trying to win over the other.

We both are aware of this, and how silly it is, and how problematic it is when it shows up in certain aspects of our lives. For me it started out in thinking we just can't work on projects together but I know this is like giving up instead of being willing to look at myself and see where I can change to actually make it work... where can I change to allow us to better work together?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner where it's like we are on separate teams, playing a game, and there can only be one winner instead of realizing we are actually on the same team, with the same goal, and it can be a win/win situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and al…