Showing posts from 2019

654: Since I Stopped Smoking...

It's been more than 7 days since I last had a cigarette. I have been a smoker for more than half my life and I've attempted to stop only a handful of times, unsuccessfully obviously. The last time I tried was about a year and a half ago and I quit for 3 months. A lot of the same factors as my reasoning for stopping are part of this attempt but this time I had an opportunity to have a little help to get started. I had a couple wisdom teeth removed and both times previously I've had teeth pulled, I've given myself dry-socket from smoking right after. This time I decided I would give my body the proper time off to heal as effectively as possible and so I thought well if I won't be smoking, why not use this as an opportunity to stop for good.

So that was the initial consideration for the timing to stop. The other factor is money. I spend a lot of money to smoke and I am having a hard time these days justifying smoking my money away - especially when I can't actual…

653: Competing with my Partner

One aspect of my agreement with my partner that has become glaringly obvious and oh so troublesome for us is the fact that we seem to not work together as a team, but rather end up working against each other - like we are actually competing, each trying to win over the other.

We both are aware of this, and how silly it is, and how problematic it is when it shows up in certain aspects of our lives. For me it started out in thinking we just can't work on projects together but I know this is like giving up instead of being willing to look at myself and see where I can change to actually make it work... where can I change to allow us to better work together?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner where it's like we are on separate teams, playing a game, and there can only be one winner instead of realizing we are actually on the same team, with the same goal, and it can be a win/win situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and al…

652: Agreement Support

Agreement. What is an Agreement? To me, in the context of how I've been living it, it's a point of understanding the time and space needed and required to actually change.

My partner and I agreed to walk this life together - to learn how to live and exist as equals, to work and live as partners in life. What I've realized recently is it's about actually agreeing, UNCONDITIONALLY, to walk the time it takes to actually change. And when I react to things 'not changed yet', even though I see the determination and commitment, it implies I am not unconditional in my agreement.

The agreement is agreeing to walk THIS LIFE, until it's done. If it takes 90 years to change ourselves - is it worth it? Yes, because Life is worth it. And within that - it's not about waiting for the other to change.. the agreement is about SELF. ME changing ME. My partner is here within the same stance and that is what we agreed to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my…

651: Exposing the 'Fear of What Others Think'

A point here of some fear I am experiencing in relation to those who see these blogs, and what they think of these blogs aka me, and my words and my process to Life. What I realize is that in my fear of what others think of me is the absence of my own self-created self-definition wherein I have not yet made a decision about who I am, particularly within these blogs, but overall in general and so in that void there is room for others to add their own interpretations and to me, this is where I see the fear is coming from.

What if I filled that void myself? What if I decided who I am and made clear within myself why I do what I do - would I fear others adding their own observations? Would it matter where they stand in relation to me if I had established my own standing?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear some to see these words - to fear to see my self-forgiveness and the living commitments I make in my daily living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and…

650: Test your Stability - Change your Routine

A point here of feeling like nothing is normal - I am currently healing from a couple wisdom teeth being removed and so it's completely shifted what I've been doing the last few days, what I am able to do, what I can eat and can't eat - totally changing my routine and within that, within me, there is a yearning for "normalcy" as a point of the external environment being my point of stability - the normalcy keeping me feeling normal. The realization that it must come from within me and this exercise in being outside my comfort zone as my routine being completely shifted shows a deception within me where I created stability to come from outside of myself as my daily routine instead of from within/as myself as who I am...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my physical condition as 'just wanting things back to normal' and to within this, force myself and my body to be normal even though I am causing more harm than good

I for…

649: A Commitment to Bloom

It has been now over 2 months of writing a blog daily for my Journey to Life. Tonight was the first night where I was actually not going to write, I would say with a valid excuse, but I am choosing not to because this is the first time I have been able to commit to this point and to walk it with a consistency of ease and I refuse to stop for a moment.

The daily writing has been so supportive for me. I was looking at this point the other day of how I felt like I was finally moving in my process - how I actually am making strides within my process and I considered that because of the daily blog. And then I had the thought "my blog is not really walking my process" as thinking it's a point I'm defining outside of myself - something I am doing rather than changing who I am.

But this daily blogging is precisely me changing who I am and that who I am is determining what I do and what I am doing is this daily blogging as my Journey to life. This is my Process... this is me…

648: Consequence of Assumptions

A point here of how in my assumption of information, I created consequences for a lot of people including myself. This was based on the idea that the information I had was absolute and right information where if I would have taken a closer look with common sense, I would have questioned the information and realized there was some missing. And then in this missing information leading to assumptions which led to consequences for more than just myself, me as my mind as my programmed to victimize and blame was backed into a corner, nowhere to go, but wanting so desperately to find someone to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be clear on information that then created a ripple effect on a lot more people's lives than my own - and in making assumptions about something, create a complete shift of daily events that could be consequential to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that mistakes or assumptions …

647: Misinterpreting the Negative

A point here that I must address from a previous blog where I made the statement/definition of myself as more optimistic and my partner as more pessimistic and in seeing how these are in fact definitions of limitations - they do not express who we are for real. What I realized in purifying the definition through self-forgiveness was a deeper fear of the negative... how the days of me avoiding 'the negative' were still around, and I was still holding onto the idea that 'to be positive' is the 'right way to be' to create a positive outcome... yet what I am actually doing, accepting and allowing, however, is a fear to embrace the totality of our reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner as more negative and myself as more positive and to within this, already casting judgment on right and wrong as positive and negative - him being the wrong and me being the right and so when he is in such a state of what I perceive as n…

646: Standards of the Gold Star

A potential opportunity here that triggered some reactions within me here I feel as though I 'didn't act soon enough' or 'I was too late coming out of the gate.' This is in relation to an opportunity that is similar to something I had considered a few months or so ago and discussed with my partner on various occasions. It's this nature of feeling like missing out when you see others moving on things you considered doing yourself or feeling like you are 'behind' because something emerges that you wanted to do but didn't act on immediately. It's like there are only so many ideas in this world, and if you come up with something, so are a lot of other people and then it becomes a race to who ' shows or does it first'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I see others moving within things I wanted to move within myself - wherein I had considerations and ideas about certain paths but didn't act on them im…

645: Gossip and Talking Sh*t - Acceptance through Silence

So here I am again, facing the point of gossip and the reason is I have yet to transcend and transform who I am in gossip and shit talk. I have over the years faced this in a variety of ways, and kind of got stuck on the point of how to re-direct it because, from my perspective, it is not valid. If someone is speaking about someone behind their back when that person is not around to add their perspective to the story, then it's irrelevant and only supports drama, conflict, blame... the unnecessary stuff in life we accept and allow. So my stance is clear I have no interest in participating in gossip or talking shit about others. The principle I stand within is if you can't say it when that person is around, you have no right to be saying it at all.

That being said, I have never found myself able to communicate these words. I have diverted to just staying silent, not adding anything to the gossip except my silence which can also speak volumes. But the silence I am no longer sat…