577: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa... Red Flag!

Lately, I've been practicing slowing myself down even more to a point where I am paying much more attention to who I am in a moment.

This is something I have been practicing for years, but more so recently again realizing I have in a way become more automated in that practice, where it's not something I think about much, or consider much as of late - like it kind of gets put to the side as you get busy with day to day responsibilities.

So I've re-directed myself back 'here', meaning - taking more moments throughout my day to check in with my breathing and to consider only focusing on myself, my body, my physical actions.

Now I've decided to do this because recently I could see, again, a separation between me in this practice, and in allowing that, I allow a lot more shit to go on inside my mind. And for me, one of the big points is how much I focus on others in my reality - what are they thinking, what are they experiencing, analyzing and interpreting their behavior and words. And this to me is a red flag because my concern should not be about others as I have no control over what others think or do - I can only control that of myself. And when it's about me, it's not about control - it's about self-direction. So that is where my attention is required.

And so in re-establishing this point again recently, it's been quite cool actually because it has been 'easy' to see these moments where I start thinking about someone else and what 'they' are an experiencing (as if I have an actual inside look into their minds) - and it really is like a flag that goes up. Like whoa lady, wait a minute, you are thinking about them... that's not your responsibility. What am I experiencing? Who am I in this moment? What are my thoughts about? Are there judgments? What am I accepting and allowing in this moment?

And so, as it usually goes, when you decide to work on a specific point, it will come up quite specifically in your environment/reality where you can get a nice look at the dimensions, how it plays out, the different thoughts that run with it. And so I had that moment tonight. My partner and I were going for a walk with our dog, and I noticed I started thinking he seemed to be 'in a point' - as if something was bothering him, or he was agitated.

I asked him about it... if there was something bothering him. He said no. And there I should have immediately let it go, as he cross-referenced for me that I had the point within me, meaning - there was something moving in my mind, which was an idea about him and who he was in that moment as being agitated. But he said no. So it existed in me, not him.

BUT - as I usually do, I didn't let it go. I thought 'he's' not being honest with me - he's downplaying something, he's not willing to admit something IS bothering him.

And here is where my flag went up and waved fiercely for me. lol - It was quite a cool moment actually because I could finally see in that moment that I was thinking about HIM - I was reacting to his apparent reaction. But he didn't have one. So I stopped. Because otherwise, I'm someone reacting to an idea in my head of someone reaction. Yet it wasn't actually Real!

And I brought myself back to myself, and back to my breathing. And in that, it was an interesting experience because it's almost like 'well wait a minute, now what? I'm supposed to react here - I'm supposed to throw a tantrum, and get angry and annoyed, and create emotions that create consequences in our communication. I'm supposed to blame him because he's at fault, not me."

but I couldn't go there because I could see it wasn't him. It was me.

So kind of funny actually to see this experience of my mind like hitting a dead end. There was no way forward. It was like now there is a roadblock. And if I turned around, there was only me standing there. AND that is the point.

We are alone in ourselves, and while yes, we can develop that sense of 'seeing' in others as a point of support, there is also the case where it's within us alone, and that is our responsibility, no one else's.

So We finished the walk as I was breathing, and also dumbfounded at the route my mind could no longer take. And While it took a few moments to accept the fact that I wasn't allowing myself to react, I eventually was able to let it go, NOT hold onto any idea that 'he was in a point', and rather embraced that he was clear, and I was stabilizing myself so we could move on with our day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept it within myself when another says they are clear, but I think THEY must have something go on inside of them, because I have something on inside of me about them, so it must be them!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a routine/habit of always reacting when I think my partner is reacting - as not accepting my responsibility TO how I react the idea of him reacting. I cannot control him or what he does, I can only control/change myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much more on others as a deliberate way to NOT have to face myself and so take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a route within my mind where if I think someone else is reacting, then I must go into a reaction and when I don't allow that, feel like there is nowhere else to go instead of realizing there is a whole Reality HERE - in my breathing, as my body, in that moment... that is where my attention is required as my only point of responsibility and power

When and as I see myself asking if another is reacting or having an experience that is influencing them, and they say NO - I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in that moment, I have a cross-reference. I have no reason to doubt another if they say they are clear, and so I commit myself to in that moment, let the idea go completely. To not dwell on it, or to think they are lying, or to participate in the habit of blaming them for what I think they are experiencing even when they've already told me it's just in my head

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and what goes on in my own mind

I commit myself to not use my physical energy and effort to think about what others do or what may be influencing them in terms of their thoughts, feelings, and emotions and instead use that effort to perfect myself in the sense of STOPPING all reactions within me, and create myself to be able to stand here, absolutely clear, with NOTHING moving within me - stand in and as this physical reality as my physical body, as my physical breathing

I commit myself to stop using others as a distraction from facing myself

I commit myself to keep practicing bringing my focus and attention back to myself through breathing - taking moments throughout my day to stop, slow down, and simply breathe - grounding myself in this physical body and in this physical reality, and not allowing anything to run within my secret mind

I commit myself to trust the silence as the moments of breath

I commit myself to align myself with life as my physical breathing

Artwork by: Desteni Artists

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