05 September 2017

562: Ego, Breath, and Consistent Self-Movement

The last three days have been insightful. After the last blog I wrote about seeing a word necessary to redefine and live a certain, familiar wall came up. I have for quite some time faced a lot of resistance to the process of redefining words, and this time was no different. And while I'm aware it's something I must simply walk through, that awareness didn't make it any easier, and I basically stopped for a moment. Like gathering myself in preparation of what I must do, which is walk through this resistance.

So while having this resistance and not moving through it directly, I also experienced a lot of 'fall backs' if you will in the past three days. The frustrations of not being a certain weight or having a certain look, and the judgments towards food and exercise, and the impatience to walk real change - basically everything I walked in my blogs last week - became a possession within me where most of my weekend my mind was consumed with losing weight, and not being satisfied with where I'm at.

I can say that walking with this point in the blogs last week did support with an underlying awareness of what I was facing, though I can still see there is a lot of work to be done in relation to this point. I also listened to a recording by Bernard Poolman that also very much clarified my experience. It's called "Revenge of the Ego" and the first part of this recording really hit home to what I was experiencing and supported me to see how to support myself.

And of course, always being the point, and so simply we might easily forget... the breath. The breath being key to constantly disengaging from the mind and being present/here with self where one has the most potential for being directive over one's emotions, feelings, and overall mental state. And for me specifically what I can see now as I write this is that in me missing that moment of the next day, and the next blog, and instead allowing myself to stop within the resistance, I gave room to the mind, to the ego to takes it revenge. It's like the in breath and the out breath, it's a constant, consistent movement, in and out, in and out. I missed the breath, as the day, as the blog, as the next step in the process I've been walking to sort myself out of this mess of a relationship I have with my body yet I gave in at the crucial moment of change and so sabotaged myself basically in allowing the flow as the journey to continue. I guess it's like a hiccup, a miss step, a miss-take. But of course you live and you learn. Now I know the importance of keeping it consistent, to keeping the movement of self going because if you are not moving you, then that leaves the mind to move you. Example: Idle hands are the devils playground.

Let the breathing and moving continue...




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