01 September 2017

560: Shattering the Illusory Image

Yesterday I noticed some emotion come up in relation to the last few blogs - this relationship towards my body, and the points I've been sharing on it - feeling a bit like I've shared 'too much' and in a way blame towards myself for 'making it a big deal'. It's like when you put the focus on it the way I have in dedicating the past few blogs to it, you are shedding a lot of light on something you've for awhile kept in the dark and in doing so, one could sabotage oneself to keep it in the dark by thinking "you shouldn't share that" and "you're making it a bigger problem than it is."

It's like the focus of my attention doesn't want to be the actual focus because in that focus, all is seen, or at least that's the process. To see it all because in that seeing, that awareness, one can understand it and ultimately change it. And so the reaction of "it's too much attention on this one, little point" is the fear of change speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I shouldn't pay too much attention to my relationship with my body as a 'problem' in thinking I am making it more/worse than what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to expose too much of what I've kept secret for fear of how others will see/think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's better to just be quiet and not share my process through thoughts of sabotage where I tell myself "it's not a big deal", and "I am just making it a bigger deal than it is"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in judgment of myself and my sharing on my relationship with my body in thinking it's too much, and I am making myself sound like something I'm not and that I have a bigger problem than I actually do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other's interpret my words instead of realizing that the defining point here is who I am in my words and if I can walk and stand by these words - then that's what matters - and that's the process thus necessary to change once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an emotional reaction of fear in thinking I've shared too much

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my fear of sharing too much is actually the realization that I'm shattering an idea and definition of myself that will also shatter the idea and definition I present to others - which if it can shatter than it was never real and thus must go!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose the illusory image of myself I've built up and created around the real me - the me I've kept in the dark and feared to shed light on because in that, I will have to face who I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become, and the relationship to myself and all life equally and if I do that, I will have to change and so will others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sabotage myself into shutting up

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I fear I must face, and so if I fear sharing my darker self, the parts of me I keep hidden, then ultimately I will have to face that fear and so rather walk the process as directive principle in blogs than having consequences created where I am forced to face it

When and as I see myself thinking I shared too much or that I shouldn't make such a big deal about things when I walk them through my blogs, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is the tactic of me as my mind to remain the same and not have to change who I am and my relationship to my body. I commit myself to thus not give in to sabotaging thoughts and rather walk with and as myself, gently, yet steadily to ensure I never accept and allow myself to create the same relationship with me, and all life, that does not honor the life here

When and as I see myself fearing others will see my differently based on what I share in blogs, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is simply a fear to lose the image of me I've presented to others and if it's something I fear to lose, it means I can lose it and will have to lose it to prove to myself that I am NOT that and what is real is what remains and so I commit myself to remove the illusion, layer by layer, blog by blog, breath by breath to dis-cover who is really here - what is under the constructs I've created around me - to find out once and for all who I am - what are my principles? what do I stand for? what am I willing to do and become in this life?

I commit myself to answers these questions in this process and Journey to Life.



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