29 August 2017

558: The First Step is Always Acceptance

Today I felt uncomfortable in my body. Feeling like the stomach is a bit bigger than yesterday. Feeling more discouraged, frustrated, and angry. And in that, a wish for it to be different. And while I was well aware of what I've been looking at and realizing the last couple days, the overall sense of dissatisfaction was still present. And while I realize some things cannot possibly change in just a day or two, I was still a bit frustrated that I didn't notice any more stability within me in relation to this point.

Last year about this time, I was working out for 2 months straight, almost every day at least an hour a day. I was determined to make a change to my body... but what happened? Nothing. There was absolutely no change in my body. lol - it's kind of funny actually because no matter what I did in terms of exercise, my body did not change. And so what does that tell me? It's not exercise. My lack or continuation of it is not affecting my weight. There is another factor.

So what it is?

I always look at food, and exercise first, as if those are the only two possible reasons one would gain or lose weight. But what is the one thing I resisted to look at as perhaps the contributing factor? The emotional state in relation to my weight... my relationship with my body.

And I realize that this is a lifetime in the making - I've created this relationship to my body for 30+ years. Do I really expect it to change overnight? I'm only now in a position to acknowledge the fact that there is a problem with how I see myself as my body. And that is the 1st step, isn't it? Accept the fact that there is a problem. And it's not food. it's not a diet. It's ME. So I am really only at the beginning of this process.

I can't help but think that in my fear of getting fat, I've created the very fear. Of course, I would gain weight - because I feared it, and I didn't do anything about that fear. I let it accumulate and start to influence my actions, and my food choices, and how I feel about myself on a moment to moment basis. A lesson we perhaps must all learn - you will have to face that which you fear.

So I'm the heaviest I've been in my whole life, and only now am I willing to acknowledge who I've been in relation to my body.

I've been judgmental. I've been ignorant. I've been critical, doubtful, and lustful. I've been paranoid, even crazy at times. And while physically I've been pretty stable in terms of my body and weight - the emotional, inner self as been all over the place. up and down and sideways.

There is a long story, a long history for me in relation to weight, and body image. As I am sure it is for most women. We, as women, are inundated with images of what we should look like. We are told what is attractive, what is put on a pedestal, what men find appealing and believe obtaining that will set us free. But it's a big fat lie, and ultimately we've deceived ourselves by buying into it.

And while I've been facing this point throughout my life, I am only now willing to share on the subject. Which to me is actually a cool point, as it's a cross reference for where I'm at with it. I'm actually willing to take back the power I've given to it. Have you ever noticed how when you are holding something inside yourself, you can't fathom being able to speak about it? Then sometime later you are finally able to open up about it, and you realize how silly it was you were so afraid to share it before. it's because there was a point of acceptance established, a point of responsibility, a point of letting go of the hold it had on you.

So I guess that is where I am at - again the first step - the acceptance. This is who I am. This is where I am at. This is what I am facing. And goddammit, for all the women in this world, and men even, we all have this point to some extent. But why don't we talk about it? Why are we so afraid to be real about the reality of what's going on within us? Shame perhaps, guilt, embarrassment. But I am humbly reminded again that I am not unique. I am a woman, and like many, have issues with my body. I have a mind with thoughts that can come up with anything imaginable. It can be instructive, destructive, and down right nasty. Though I am willing to face those issues and discover where they came from and understand how I created it so that I, in fact, can change it. And there is nothing to be ashamed of by that.

So that's my sharing for today. The hiding and keeping secrets within ourselves are what fuels what we face within our minds. If we dare to share it out loud, verbalize it, write it out, talk to someone about it... already the grip it has on us loosens. So thank you for being my sounding board, and letting me get out something I've kept locked in for quite some time.



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