28 August 2017

557: Fear of Getting Fat

I am going to share a bit more here my relationship to my body, and more specifically, my stomach. When I was around 10 years old I stopped dancing, which I had been doing for 8 years already, and competitively for the last few of them. I remember being at home and thinking about how I 'must work out' now that I was stopping dance because, from my 10-year-old perspective, I was going to get fat.

That's quite a consideration for a 10-year-old... thinking I must work out to 'keep my figure' and hopefully prevent myself from gaining weight. And my target area? My stomach.

I then proceeded to put a towel down on the floor in my living room, wearing a short shirt and some shorts, and I began doing sit ups. I must have looked silly, as a friend of the family at the house snapped a picture of me doing this - which I'm sure is still around somewhere at my mother's place.

So here I am at 10 years old, deciding that I would have to create my own work out regime now that I would no longer be dancing. And within this, and what still lingers, is a fear. A fear of the fatness. That I will gain weight. that I will get bigger. That I will 'put on the pounds'. And while for most of my life most would say I have never been overweight, within myself, I always felt overweight. I always felt as if I was just a few too many pounds over what is ideal. And the most problematic of all areas was the stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must work out to prevent myself from gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as a fear of gaining weight and to within this, allow that to be my reason for working out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my whole life have this constant point of 'fat' in the back of my mind - always taunting me, and hanging out just to remind me it's always there, and I could so easily become that!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torment myself throughout the years with a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having extra weight on the body means you are a worthless person and you are inferior to others with less weight on their bodies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energy charge to the word fat and to within this, fear it if I speak it, or think about it, or see it - fear I could become it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat is unacceptable and that I could not accept myself with extra weight on my body and others couldn't accept me with extra weight on my body

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to condition myself within the belief that if I work out, I will never gain weight and to thus use working out and exercise as a coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being fat instead of as a point of self-enjoyment and exploring what is possible within/as the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use working out as a means to deal with the fear of becoming fat, instead of simply removing the impractical fear of becoming fat from within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work out for one reason only and that is to prevent becoming fat or to lose weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I'm not working out I'm going to get fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being fat as a bad/negative/horrible thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body within a limitation of definitions as thinking and believing it can only be this or that - thin or fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a polarity within/as myself in relation to my physical body as fearing to be fat, and so desiring to be thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into thinking my want/desire to be thin isn't just a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my body and any extra weight I may put on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my body into a submission through exercise wherein I define it as unacceptable to be anything less than I want it to be, and due to my fear, my want is for it to be thin and so I compare it, and judge it, and berate it, and push it to work hard to lose weight to be acceptable within my eyes and the eyes of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body is what matters in this life

When and as I see myself fearing to be fat, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my fear of being fat comes from an idea that to be fat is to be bad and so I resist it, and push away from it, when in reality I am only running away from my own self-created definitions - wherein if I didn't see being fat as such an ugly/bad/negative thing, it woulnd't scare me so much. And so I commit myself to equalize how I define the word fat - for it to be a descritpion without a negaitve associsation where it's not used to judge or belittle people but rather to describe something

When and as I see myself wanting to be thin, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my want to be thin is coming from an actual fear of being fat and so within this, I commit myself to face this fear of being fat - to forgive the ideas I have of being fat and to rid myself of the associations that enslave me to the fear - realizing the size of my body does not determine who I am - my words, and my thoughts and my actions do

I commit myself to stopping the behaviors that are symptoms of a fear of being fat - where I touch my stomach, or look in the mirror, or pay too much attention to my belly - in these moments I commit myself to stop myself, to stop the actions that fuel the fear and the ideas within my mind. I stop in those moments, and I breathe. I breathe within/as my body realizing the entirety of what is here as my body and let go of the limited view I've created of being thin or fat that is not even a part of this reality of what my physical body actually is it's the totality of its existence and expression



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