31 August 2017

559: Good/Bad Foods and Why We Want a More Appealing Body


Today I felt a very slight, and very subtle sickness throughout the body. Like a potential for a fever and for some sinus thing happening. I consider it being in relation the point I recently opened up through blogs in relation to my body and my stomach specifically.

Today I was a bit more comfortable, not as focused on my body, but noticed I was more paying attention to what I was eating. Taking notes, and taking points essentially – where I was calculating what I was eating, whether it’s going to put weight on or help me lose it and based on what I ate today, I am prepared to gain rather than lose. I had carbs throughout the day, and to me, that is a no no in terms of losing weight.

This type of thinking I can see is potential for creating an eating disorder. I mean I am basically existing within the nature of the pattern, where I am too concerned about my body, too concerned about what I eat, too concerned about the outcome the foods will have on my body shape and size. From my perspective, that is a starting point for an eating disorder.

I can say I would never let such a thing develop to such an extent where I would withhold food from myself, or throw it up after eating, but I cannot deny that the nature of thoughts I am currently existing within isn't far from what I'm sure many who do deal with an eating disorder also have. So - this must be dealt with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the foods I eat will put more weight on my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the foods I eat won't help me lose weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within conflict towards food where I desire carbs but resist them at the same time in fear they will only make me gain weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into temptation for carbs and then go into blame and guilt and disappointment when I eat the carbs in thinking “I will only gain weight’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about only whether I will lose or gain weight when I eat foods instead of considering the sustenance I am receiving for my body to continue existing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define food as being that which only adds weight to my body or helps remove it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make eating foods more than what it is through constantly thinking and obsessing about what I am eating and what effects it’s having on my body in terms of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessive about what I eat and the weight of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of the enjoyment of eating foods and the actual nourishment it provides my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated in thinking it doesn’t matter what I do, I will only ever gain weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the ideas about foods and what effects they have on my weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my weight to consume such a large part of my time and attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished within my body when I eat things I think are ‘bad’ and ‘full of carbs’ and will only put more weight on my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see carbs as a bad thing and something that only equates to more weight on my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear carbs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist eating carbs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely useless when it comes to ‘keeping a figure’ that I believe is more appealing – and in that, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to ask myself who am I trying to appeal – who is my body actually for?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my body to be appealing to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if others find my body appealing – they will love and appreciate me more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need others to love and appreciate me more instead of realizing I need to love and appreciate me more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I have an appealing body to others, then I’m safe in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where I support these constructs of ‘what is beautiful’ and appealing and support this belief in others that woman must have a certain body type to be appreciated, loved, and accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live an example of something that is not best for all by believing my worth as a human is placed in the shape of my body instead of who I am as a living, breathing, being in my thoughts, words, and deeds

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live an example that is best for all by living self-love and self-appreciation and full self-acceptance of who I am rather than what I look like.

When and as I see myself thinking about, and obsessing about what I'm eating and what it will create in terms of my body weight, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is the start of a dysfunctional relationship with foods, and my body and could, if continued to be allowed, create an eating disorder and so I commit myself to stop this nonsense here and get back to the common sense of why we eat in the first place, and why food matters, and why, no matter what the shape and size of body is, matters

When and as I see myself thinking about carbs and not wanting to eat them, and defining them as 'bad' and the cause of my weight gain, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that carbs are not the problem, and even what I eat is not the problem. I AM the problem in terms of WHO I AM in relation to what I eat - the problem exists within the nature of my thoughts as myself when deciding what to eat and how I feel about that. And so I commit myself to change the nature of my thoughts to no longer see foods as bad as the source for my weight gain and instead continue to investigate my relationship to foods and my body as the source of which my body and experience is shaped

When and as I see myself wanting a more appealing body type, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a want is stemmed from a fear of not being loved or appreciated or accepted and I think I will get that from others IF I have an appealing body when in reality, I am looking for it because I am not living it FOR/AS myself and so I commit myself to living self-love, appreciation, and acceptance - by paying more attention to my breath, and my physical movements, and the daily interactions with others, and the smell in the air, and the sounds around me - paying attention to what matters, IN MATTER




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29 August 2017

558: The First Step is Always Acceptance

Today I felt uncomfortable in my body. Feeling like the stomach is a bit bigger than yesterday. Feeling more discouraged, frustrated, and angry. And in that, a wish for it to be different. And while I was well aware of what I've been looking at and realizing the last couple days, the overall sense of dissatisfaction was still present. And while I realize some things cannot possibly change in just a day or two, I was still a bit frustrated that I didn't notice any more stability within me in relation to this point.

Last year about this time, I was working out for 2 months straight, almost every day at least an hour a day. I was determined to make a change to my body... but what happened? Nothing. There was absolutely no change in my body. lol - it's kind of funny actually because no matter what I did in terms of exercise, my body did not change. And so what does that tell me? It's not exercise. My lack or continuation of it is not affecting my weight. There is another factor.

So what it is?

I always look at food, and exercise first, as if those are the only two possible reasons one would gain or lose weight. But what is the one thing I resisted to look at as perhaps the contributing factor? The emotional state in relation to my weight... my relationship with my body.

And I realize that this is a lifetime in the making - I've created this relationship to my body for 30+ years. Do I really expect it to change overnight? I'm only now in a position to acknowledge the fact that there is a problem with how I see myself as my body. And that is the 1st step, isn't it? Accept the fact that there is a problem. And it's not food. it's not a diet. It's ME. So I am really only at the beginning of this process.

I can't help but think that in my fear of getting fat, I've created the very fear. Of course, I would gain weight - because I feared it, and I didn't do anything about that fear. I let it accumulate and start to influence my actions, and my food choices, and how I feel about myself on a moment to moment basis. A lesson we perhaps must all learn - you will have to face that which you fear.

So I'm the heaviest I've been in my whole life, and only now am I willing to acknowledge who I've been in relation to my body.

I've been judgmental. I've been ignorant. I've been critical, doubtful, and lustful. I've been paranoid, even crazy at times. And while physically I've been pretty stable in terms of my body and weight - the emotional, inner self as been all over the place. up and down and sideways.

There is a long story, a long history for me in relation to weight, and body image. As I am sure it is for most women. We, as women, are inundated with images of what we should look like. We are told what is attractive, what is put on a pedestal, what men find appealing and believe obtaining that will set us free. But it's a big fat lie, and ultimately we've deceived ourselves by buying into it.

And while I've been facing this point throughout my life, I am only now willing to share on the subject. Which to me is actually a cool point, as it's a cross reference for where I'm at with it. I'm actually willing to take back the power I've given to it. Have you ever noticed how when you are holding something inside yourself, you can't fathom being able to speak about it? Then sometime later you are finally able to open up about it, and you realize how silly it was you were so afraid to share it before. it's because there was a point of acceptance established, a point of responsibility, a point of letting go of the hold it had on you.

So I guess that is where I am at - again the first step - the acceptance. This is who I am. This is where I am at. This is what I am facing. And goddammit, for all the women in this world, and men even, we all have this point to some extent. But why don't we talk about it? Why are we so afraid to be real about the reality of what's going on within us? Shame perhaps, guilt, embarrassment. But I am humbly reminded again that I am not unique. I am a woman, and like many, have issues with my body. I have a mind with thoughts that can come up with anything imaginable. It can be instructive, destructive, and down right nasty. Though I am willing to face those issues and discover where they came from and understand how I created it so that I, in fact, can change it. And there is nothing to be ashamed of by that.

So that's my sharing for today. The hiding and keeping secrets within ourselves are what fuels what we face within our minds. If we dare to share it out loud, verbalize it, write it out, talk to someone about it... already the grip it has on us loosens. So thank you for being my sounding board, and letting me get out something I've kept locked in for quite some time.



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28 August 2017

557: Fear of Getting Fat

I am going to share a bit more here my relationship to my body, and more specifically, my stomach. When I was around 10 years old I stopped dancing, which I had been doing for 8 years already, and competitively for the last few of them. I remember being at home and thinking about how I 'must work out' now that I was stopping dance because, from my 10-year-old perspective, I was going to get fat.

That's quite a consideration for a 10-year-old... thinking I must work out to 'keep my figure' and hopefully prevent myself from gaining weight. And my target area? My stomach.

I then proceeded to put a towel down on the floor in my living room, wearing a short shirt and some shorts, and I began doing sit ups. I must have looked silly, as a friend of the family at the house snapped a picture of me doing this - which I'm sure is still around somewhere at my mother's place.

So here I am at 10 years old, deciding that I would have to create my own work out regime now that I would no longer be dancing. And within this, and what still lingers, is a fear. A fear of the fatness. That I will gain weight. that I will get bigger. That I will 'put on the pounds'. And while for most of my life most would say I have never been overweight, within myself, I always felt overweight. I always felt as if I was just a few too many pounds over what is ideal. And the most problematic of all areas was the stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must work out to prevent myself from gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as a fear of gaining weight and to within this, allow that to be my reason for working out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my whole life have this constant point of 'fat' in the back of my mind - always taunting me, and hanging out just to remind me it's always there, and I could so easily become that!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torment myself throughout the years with a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having extra weight on the body means you are a worthless person and you are inferior to others with less weight on their bodies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energy charge to the word fat and to within this, fear it if I speak it, or think about it, or see it - fear I could become it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat is unacceptable and that I could not accept myself with extra weight on my body and others couldn't accept me with extra weight on my body

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to condition myself within the belief that if I work out, I will never gain weight and to thus use working out and exercise as a coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being fat instead of as a point of self-enjoyment and exploring what is possible within/as the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use working out as a means to deal with the fear of becoming fat, instead of simply removing the impractical fear of becoming fat from within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work out for one reason only and that is to prevent becoming fat or to lose weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I'm not working out I'm going to get fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being fat as a bad/negative/horrible thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body within a limitation of definitions as thinking and believing it can only be this or that - thin or fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a polarity within/as myself in relation to my physical body as fearing to be fat, and so desiring to be thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into thinking my want/desire to be thin isn't just a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my body and any extra weight I may put on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my body into a submission through exercise wherein I define it as unacceptable to be anything less than I want it to be, and due to my fear, my want is for it to be thin and so I compare it, and judge it, and berate it, and push it to work hard to lose weight to be acceptable within my eyes and the eyes of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body is what matters in this life

When and as I see myself fearing to be fat, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my fear of being fat comes from an idea that to be fat is to be bad and so I resist it, and push away from it, when in reality I am only running away from my own self-created definitions - wherein if I didn't see being fat as such an ugly/bad/negative thing, it woulnd't scare me so much. And so I commit myself to equalize how I define the word fat - for it to be a descritpion without a negaitve associsation where it's not used to judge or belittle people but rather to describe something

When and as I see myself wanting to be thin, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my want to be thin is coming from an actual fear of being fat and so within this, I commit myself to face this fear of being fat - to forgive the ideas I have of being fat and to rid myself of the associations that enslave me to the fear - realizing the size of my body does not determine who I am - my words, and my thoughts and my actions do

I commit myself to stopping the behaviors that are symptoms of a fear of being fat - where I touch my stomach, or look in the mirror, or pay too much attention to my belly - in these moments I commit myself to stop myself, to stop the actions that fuel the fear and the ideas within my mind. I stop in those moments, and I breathe. I breathe within/as my body realizing the entirety of what is here as my body and let go of the limited view I've created of being thin or fat that is not even a part of this reality of what my physical body actually is it's the totality of its existence and expression



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556: What Are We Missing when We Judge our Bodies?

Last night I had a dream I was pregnant. I was full term, but the belly seemed somewhat under developed. I actually enjoyed the experience and overall I was content within the dream in relation to being pregnant. Though at one point I lifted my shirt and noticed a bruising/wilted part of the belly, below my belly button. I immediately reacted with guilt and shame for my allowing such negligence that I would have created this. I was concerned for the baby, and the damage I had done. I thought that I did it from working as a server, constantly leaning over tables. I was so disappointed in myself. But then I read something from a doctor that said such a thing was expected, and I had medication even for the bruised area – like a cream to rub on it. I was so relieved.

As I was telling my partner about this dream, he mentioned it was interesting that the bruising was around my stomach area – that that part of my body was seen as damaged, and neglected and within that, I felt shame and disappointment.

It’s interesting because I have such a type of relationship with my body – my stomach always being a point of focus where I think it’s not good enough, or not quite up to standards. And even recently in gaining some extra weight, feeling more and more uncomfortable with my stomach. There is absolutely judgments and perhaps, as the dream indicated, there is deeper shame and guilt for the type of abuse I allow within myself in relation to my stomach, and overall my body. Where I push it to be looking a standard that others say is acceptable, and I am ultimately never able to fulfill and so dissatisfied.

Perhaps there are deeper feelings of disappointment that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly, to judge my body so much, to compare it to others, to an unrealistic standard and so creating a constant state of disappointment.

And the kicker – the amount of value placed on my body/stomach in what I think it SHOULD look like is used to define myself personally. As if the size of my stomach actually determines the type of person I am is like saying the color of someone’s skin, or the color of their eyes do. And yet I’ve accepted such a definition and believe that some are better and others are worse simply based on the shape of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the shape of my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the shape of my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body shape as ‘not good enough’ through comparing it to others I define as ‘good enough’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and judge my body to an image outside/separate from me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is ONE WAY a body must look and that way is the ONLY way it can be defined as nice/good/attractive and if it is not that, then it’s a not good enough/failing and a disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the idea of how my body should look rather than seeing it for real, in it’s purest expression as a physical, functioning system that gives and sustains ME and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through expectations I have on it created throughout the years of accepting images outside of me as ‘what I should look like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself in a way in not living up to a standard I accepted as societies standard of what a beautiful body is

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define my body as beautiful as the amazing natured expression it is that moves and functions and exists despite the constant beratement put on it from me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor my body as my temple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I see my physical body through focusing in on only one part of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my body defines who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my body through focusing only on the parts I am not satisfied with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant state of comparison and sizing myself up in relation to others and their bodies and putting myself as either better or worse than them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be told and accept what is beautiful and what is not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than within who I am because my body does not fit into the picture image of what we are told a body should look like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body prohibits me from expressing myself within my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the size of my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hate towards my physical body – the one expression on this earth that gives to me unconditional life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself within/as my body as being allowed to exist here within/as it and not yet develop a relationship with my physical body that is harmonious and best for it and for myself as the being within/as it

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to align to my physical body completely and totally – not realizing my body is a universe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cut myself off from the totality of my physical body as a universe, where every atom and every cell exist collectively to stand as this physical body I have been gifted with and to within that, not realize the potential I have to understand and get to know my physical body in all its parts – all the atoms and  all the cells… are alive. It is Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize the potential of life as it exists within the very substance of/as my physical body

When and as I see myself judging my physical body and more specifically my stomach, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the limitation and enslavement I am accepting and allowing in such a state of judgment that I’ve created through comparisons and the belief that there is only one type of body that is beautiful. I commit myself to thus stop all judgments as they arise and focus rather on the physical body breathing – the actual movement and expression of what my body is as what actually matters

When and as I see myself focusing in on the parts of my body I don’t like, like my stomach, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the limitations I am accepting and allowing in looking at only one part of my physical body and so missing out on the entirety of the physical body as an actual universe and so I commit myself to expand my focus to be towards the totality of my physical body – from the skin I can touch to the atoms within/as it all – realizing the absolute grandness of what is here as my physical body.

I commit myself to become humble in realizing what my body actually is and what it actually gives to me and allows me to do each and every single day

I commit myself to honor my body, as a temple, as a space in which I’m allowed to experience life on earth

When and as I see myself comparing my body to other people, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow this is to continue to allow separation among humans wherein we define each other according to their size, shape, skin color, religion, whatever – and this must stop here. I commit myself to stop separation between myself and others through stopping comparisons as making some more or less than others and instead realize the equality and oneness of each body – each being as ONE and Equal in the substance of who they are

I commit myself to stop abusing my body through suggesting it is a shape it is not supposed to be and rather embrace it as it is – realizing it’s perfect in the sense of its actual functioning

I commit myself to keep in mind what matters – the body as the flesh, as the self and not the shape or the look of it

I commit myself to stop neglecting the relationship I have with my body and start silencing the mind to hear what is here - the breath and the heart beat, the organs, the blood, the bones, and the cells that are alive



Featured Artwork: Andrew Gable

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22 August 2017

555: Do My Intentions Matter?

There is one point I've been thinking about a lot recently - how intentions really get you nowhere. You can have all the pure, and good intentions in the world, better than anyone else on earth but those Intentions are USELESS if they do not lead to action.

I'll give you an example. I have had in my calendar for more than a year for every Monday of every week to do a vlog. It's scheduled in there every single week. And the intention was to get myself creating this habit, to make it consistent, to walk through judgments and fears and to get to the REAL me as the expression of myself in a moment. To practice communication and face 'speaking in public, to get myself comfortable with simply expressing me. But I have not ONCE followed through on that intention. And so while I have created a nice image of what I would like to do and who I'd like to be, I have not actually lived it... and my actions define who I am, not my intentions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that intentions define who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my intentions instead of what I actually, physically live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a good person if I have good intentions, even if those good intentions don't manifest into my actions

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to follow through on my intentions and instead stay within the intention and use that to define myself a good person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can change myself and my life by only changing my intentions instead of realizing the massive physical action required to create anything in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intend to change myself but not take the physical actions necessary to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my intentions more than my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait within intention hoping something will come of it, instead of realizing that I must be the creator of my intentions in physical reality to manifest my intentions as that is when our intentions matter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my intentions more than my physical actions

I forgive myself that I have not investigated and understood my actions more so than my intentions and the real source of who I am

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that who I am as the starting point (intention) of me is actually clearly visible to me through my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into thinking that my intentions define me more than my actions do

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to challenge my intentions through applying them in physical action to see if my intentions stand within self-honesty and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to dare to take action on my intentions to see what is actually possible within this creation as life on earth

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to pay more attention to my actions, and what I can create through my action in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to join forces of my intention and my action as the equation in which creates

When and as I see myself holding an intention to do something or change something, yet not act on it immediately, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the deception I am living within and towards myself when I do not follow through on intentions and instead remain within the intention as if that does anyone any good. And so I commit myself to investigate my intentions and to see what can be lived - what I can actually act on as the intentions that matter to see what is possible within matter

I commit myself to let go of the intentions that serve the purpose of only fulfilling an idea of myself that I'm a good person but that does not translate into living action

I commit myself to create intentions that I can live in physical reality

I commit myself to start living and applying my intentions as making them matter

I commit myself to pay more attention to my actions and behaviors as what defines me within this life

I commit myself to purify my intentions to be that which is best for all




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15 August 2017

554: Things Change - Will You?

I started a new job just a couple of months ago, which changed up my home-life schedule quite a bit. I am no longer working evenings, or weekends, and work more hours in a day. I am very pleased about the change, but with that, I had to change myself.

I have been a long-time fan of to-do lists and while for the past couple of years of working evenings, I had long days on my hands and I could regularly get to a lot of things in one day. That has since changed, yet I still tried to do everything in one day. It's simply impossible.

And while I understand prioritizing, and doing what is practically possible, I for a bit was refusing to let go of this 'need to do it all'.

Though what I create from this is a constant failure experience, because I can't practically get to everything... something gets left uncrossed on my to-do list, and usually, it's the same thing every day. Then when the days off come around, I just want to 'run free' and do other things, instead of the 'work' I had been doing throughout the week - even the stuff I didn't I get to. And so I create this perpetual state of failure because every day I a missing out on something. Not getting to it, or wanting to give me some time off, or telling myself the work week is for work.

Though what I realize is that in not getting to everything, holding an expectation on myself that I must do everything in one day, and want to add more things to do to support myself in my development, I CAN change my schedule.

I can change what I do on what days - instead of feeling like all must be done in one day - a little bit at a time how I like it. I can rather do some stuff during the week, and others on the weekend when I'm off. Not forcing myself to achieve some unattainable perfection, but rather perfecting myself in restructuring my days and weeks. Giving more time to things daily, rather than just giving a little to a lot of things. I can give a lot to a little on certain days and see how that goes.

So a bit of a testing something new out... seeing how I do with focusing on fewer things during the working week and adding more to the weekends of what I don't do during the week. In this also creating balance, where I give the proper amount of time to all things I am responsible for and would like to engage with. The week stuff, and the weekend stuff.

I often get myself into a routine that I hold onto so tightly, I forget that as things change, I must change too. And while something was working for awhile, things move around and you have to be willing to move around with them. So some words here for me to start applying is flexibility, letting go, and restructuring.

I am a fan of structure, of a systematic approach to directing myself and my daily tasks. But this can become a compromise when one is unwilling to let go and change - go with the flow if you will. My work schedule changed, and so I must change as well. Allocate my responsibilities within practicality, and not the need or expectation forcing me to do something I most certainly always fall short of.

This reminds me of something we used to say at a company I once worked for. "Set yourself up for success." I am not doing so when I put unrealistic expectations on myself in terms of what I can practically, physically get done in a day. I am when I give myself the time and space to do some things here and other things there, balancing the schedule so I can enjoy what I'm doing rather than plowing through, attempting to get it all done at once. Slow and steady will surely get things done.





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