28 February 2017

537: Jealousy and The Need to be Needed

In previous relationships I experienced jealousy a lot - where it was quite an overwhelming, possessing type of experience. That is where I had most of my experiences with jealousy - in intimate relationships. Recently however I noticed it come up in relation to a friendship. This friend has been someone who in a way I was in a position of supporting - where she would come to me for advice, or perspective, or opinion. I felt special in this way, like a guide, or like someone she trusted enough.

Then enters a new person, who I see my friend spending more time with, and asking her perspective on things, and going to her for things she once came to me for. And so I was jealous. I felt as if I was no longer that 'special person' that she would come to, and in a way - that also validated an aspect of myself - of being helpful, and needed.

I felt I was being replaced, and discarded. Now I did not indulge in this too much, as I could see clearly this was jealousy, and that it implied I had some self-definition I was using my friend to substantiate - and what I realized through self-forgiveness on this point is how in my need for her to need me, I was enslaving us both.

Here is the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealousy toward L and N's relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though N replaced who I was for L

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special in relation to L - that she needs me and looks up to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend and define who I am based on how L sees me - thinking and believing I need her to need me to feel special, and useful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealousy when I see someone else helping L as I helped her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lay claim to being the only one that L can go to for guidance or support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose as others needing me, though if I'm no longer needed by others - feel as though my purpose has been taken away from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm better if others need me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in needing others to need me, I am enslaving myself to others, and others to myself instead of supporting both myself, and others to be able to stand on their own two feel - no masters, and no slaves - simply equals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my relationship with L to exalt myself within a superior position wherein I see myself as better because I'm needed, and because others need me, I'm useful, and have a purpose instead of realizing the ego is at play here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of others needing support and guidance for my own self-interested purposes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to feel threatened that some position I'm in is going to be taken away implies I am not actually standing as that position - as a real, self honest position to support others, but instead using it for my own fears, and desires, to validate myself and find acceptance in others

When and as I see myself experiencing jealousy towards others relationships, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to experience jealousy is a red flag wherein I am separating myself from myself through defining myself in needing another - and so I commit myself to when/as I see jealousy to come up, to immediately bring it back to myself to firstly not perpetuate the experience, and to also get to know where I am misplaced parts of myself in defining it within another

When and as I see myself needing others to need me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a relationship creates enslavement for both myself and others, and so I commit myself to change my starting point for supporting others wherein It's not about needing others to need me, but me simply willing and able to support another, as I support myself and thus stand as Equals

When and as I see myself feeling threatened by another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to feel threatened is to fear losing something of myself, and so I commit myself to investigate what it is I'm fearing to lose of myself, and to realize that if I fear losing it, it's not really me and so I commit myself to within this, ensure I am standing for real within who I am, and not dependent on some external point to validate anything of myself



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