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Showing posts from February, 2017

537: Jealousy and The Need to be Needed

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In previous relationships I experienced jealousy a lot - where it was quite an overwhelming, possessing type of experience. That is where I had most of my experiences with jealousy - in intimate relationships. Recently however I noticed it come up in relation to a friendship. This friend has been someone who in a way I was in a position of supporting - where she would come to me for advice, or perspective, or opinion. I felt special in this way, like a guide, or like someone she trusted enough.

Then enters a new person, who I see my friend spending more time with, and asking her perspective on things, and going to her for things she once came to me for. And so I was jealous. I felt as if I was no longer that 'special person' that she would come to, and in a way - that also validated an aspect of myself - of being helpful, and needed.

I felt I was being replaced, and discarded. Now I did not indulge in this too much, as I could see clearly this was jealousy, and that it implie…

536: The WHOLE Picture, not just the Nice One

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Continuing from yesterday's blog... the point of creating inconsistent blogging through inconsistent self-support, and the following is forgiving that relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself when I go through more emotional, tough points in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define tough within a negative energy charge and so when I define something as tough - I resist it, and give in immediately as not being able to put in the good fight for myself to stand and remain stable, and direct myself through that tough point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing difficult points I face within my day to day living with others, as not wanting others to see me as weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I should not share the struggles I walk through in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself…

535: Why I Hide When things Get Tough

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Today I would like to share about the inconsistency I can see within my sharing/blogging. I have, as some of you may have noticed a few months back, re-committed myself to more consistent blogging as a point of self-support, and support for others. I walked a 40 day + challenge for myself to show firstly, I could do it, and secondly, to establish myself withing the application as I see it has supported in the past, and to develop myself within my writing, my expression, creativity, and self-honesty, and my ability to 'live out loud' without hiding who I am, but rather embracing it, and sharing it as I know I am not the only one in this world that faces the things I do in my life.

Though - after a couple months, the space between the blogs become more and more. So recently I decided to have a look at this again - asking myself, why do I stop?

What I can see is two things. First thing is the energy within the starting point - wanting to do something, yet attaching it with some …

534: Rock Bottom

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I've had a few moments in my life wherein I would say I was at rock bottom. While I never created severe consequence externally, within myself I could see clearly I was out of control, and it was only a matter of time before my life would follow suit.

First was when I was 17 - I had pretty much dropped out of high school, I was spending all my time with only two people, and we basically spent that time smoking weed, and getting drunk. There was one moment in the car, after a night of our usual behavior, where the alcohol and weed got to me, and I was laying in the back seat, spinning. In that moment I saw how out of control I was - meaning... I was not the one making the decisions in my life, I was following impulses, and addiction, and desire... which led me to being sick in the back of a car, contemplating my life and what I was busy creating. I was not satisfied.. I was tired of it. I was the lowest I had ever felt in my short life.

So in that moment, I saw the potential route …