26 April 2016

453: The Reasons Why I Dislike Gossip

In relation to yesterday’s writing, I can see reactions I have towards specifically people around me who speak so much about others, as a point of gossip or simply talking behind their backs. I’ve found that I get quite agitated in such a moment because I want them to understand what they are saying about others, why they are saying it, and how it has everything to do with them, and not the person they are speaking about.

Also the reason of someone speaking about one person to other people, when that one person that is the subject of their discussion is not present. So it bothers me quite a bit when someone speaks about others when that person is not around, or cannot contribute to the discussion, cannot defend themselves, or share themselves in a way that can create understanding rather than when one is absent, the one discussing them can just create more and more ideas and perceptions about them that just simply may not be true.

And so what I can see for myself, in terms of WHY I react to such situations, is because in such the scenario, I myself find it difficult to express what I see in that moment… to be DIRECT and say to the person’s face what I see in them when they speak about others. I feel as though I cannot be open and honest in a moment and say, ‘hey – what you are doing, in speaking about this person that is not here in this moment, is not cool… why can’t you say this to them, when they are around?’ I mean if we cannot make such comments about someone when they are directly in front of us, then we have no business to be making the comments in the first place. This implies a deception and dishonesty – we are saying things we are not standing absolutely by because when they are around, we immediately zip our lip and pretend all is good. We are then a different person, expressing different things… and that is an expression you cannot trust.

So I have a problem with those that speak about people when they are not around, and cannot say those things directly to them, as a point of actually engaging in a honest conversation with them… instead they hide behind their backs and talk about them when they are not around. The REAL problem about this though is that I am actually the one that cannot do what I wish others would do. I am not willing to speak DIRECTLY to people about what I see they are doing… I am not willing to engage in a conversation that may support them to actually reflect on their own behavior. I am not willing to be self-honest and honest with others about what I see, and call them out on it, and offer solutions, or perspective that may cause them to stop and check themselves before they engage such behaviors again.

It’s not really ‘them’ I am bothered by for not speaking direct to people, and instead talk behind their backs. It’s ME bothered by the fact that I cannot do that myself. And why? Because of fear… avoiding conflict, imagining harsh reactions that I may cower from. Fear of standing by my own insights, realization and understandings….

So in the end… I am the one responsible. It’s not others in how they speak about others and not directly TO others, it’s about me not speaking DIRECTLY to others about what I see they speak about. I am the one speaking about other’s behavior behind their back… about how others speak about other’s behaviors behind their back.

Direct reflection of my self-responsibility. And the opportunity to grow, change, and develop my resolve to stand by principles that support what is not only best for me, but also best for all. When I stop accepting and allowing myself to participate in behaviors I see only keep me in fear, or dishonesty, or secret and ultimately conflict with another human being, then I can support others to stop as well. Though – self first… must create myself as a living example.

Will continue with forgiveness in the blog to come…




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25 April 2016

452: The One Thing We LOVE to Talk About....


Majority of our conversations consists of what? Can you guess?

I’ve observed recently just how much our interactions with each other is solely about OTHER people. Granted those people are around us, living among us, part of our family, or friends network, and people we work with but take a look and take notice, become aware of the fact that majority of what we talk about with one another is about other people.

We have opinions, and ideas, and beliefs, mostly interpretations, about what other people say and do; how they behave and conduct themselves within their lives. Our focus is so much projected outward, it’s no wonder we have no clue who we are, or what's going on in this world as the outer reflection of each individual. We spend so much time judging, and analyzing why others do what they do, or say what they say, and often we cast our judgments in a way that makes us feel smarter, or better, or superior, or somehow more right based on how we see other’s living and making decisions in their life.

When all of this – all of our communications about others – is absolutely, completely, totally USELESS. It doesn’t matter. We’ve created ourselves and our interaction with others to become 100% irrelevant. We speak empty words, and project judgments, and cast our eyes down on others. And for what? Because we are curious? Because it makes us feel better about our own lives? Because we think we can? Or we should? Or is it because we just get a kick out of worrying more about other people than ourselves. Are we hiding from ourselves? Are we afraid of ourselves? Do we think making others out to be wrong or bad is somehow making ourselves good or right?

The problem within this as far as I can see, is we are so deliberately abdicating our own self-reflection and so our self-responsibility. We are so consumed with others, we forget about ourselves… or again, perhaps it’s a deliberate action of turning away from ourselves, and we keep ourselves busy and distracted with other people and their life, and so within that, somehow think we are absolved from the responsibility we have for who we are and the life we live.

We don’t look at who WE ARE in relation to other people… we don’t DARE to consider why we may have an opinion or judgment or perception of another person, and how that in fact relates to ourselves. We don’t question any negative thoughts or emotions about other people… why ‘they’ make us angry, or annoyed, or irritated… we just ACCEPT our opinions made about others to be REAL and ‘they’ are the wrong ones, the misinformed ones, the lost ones. Come on... if we have all the answers to how one should be living their life, why are we not LIVING that example? Why are we not broadcasting the Answer we believe we have to the rest of the world? Why are we not DIRECTLY speaking to, and saying to others what we say ABOUT them behind their back?

When have we considered ‘they’ are ‘us’- the mirror of SELF… the equality of ALL life existing in each other. What we see in another, is in fact ourselves. What we feel about another, we in fact feel about ourselves. How we talk about another, we talk in the same way about ourselves. YET – we are not self-honest about it. We don’t face that reality… we ignore, and suppress it because when it comes down to it, we are not WILLING to FACE ourselves, our REAL nature of spite and anger and resentments and jealousy... We are not willing to take responsibility for WHO WE ARE and stop worrying and concerning ourselves about what others do with their life.

You have NO power or control over what others do or say or who they are. Your ONLY power exists within who you are, what you do and say… what exists in your mind. And until we become absolutely responsibility for THAT…. Our focus on others is just a waste of time…. A waste of our life.

I dare you to become aware of how and what you speak to others… what your topic of discussion is, and I dare you to ask yourself if it really Matters… if it is constructive, or destructive - if it's relevant in fact to what really matters in this world, and if it's what this world needs. I dare you to consider who YOU are when speaking about others… to understand the nature of what your experience is towards others and those you speak so much about, and to investigate HOW you do it to yourself, or within your own life. I dare you to be Self-Honest and to face the nastiest parts of YOU that hide behind the faults of others.

Until you become purified, and innocent, and living as what is best for all… a shining example of the potential of/as Life, then your words are meaningless and a waste of your time and Life.

I dare you to Look within and stop projecting yourself without unto others. I dare YOU to See YOU for Real.



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07 April 2016

451: Owning My Own Authority

I notice that for most things I do, I have a judgment and/or fear towards it. It could be something I do in self-honesty, or in a point of self-sabotage – the experience remain the same, I am fear of being judged for it. I’ve noticed this has always been my experience, for as long as I can remember. If I wanted to play with a particular toy, or wanted some special kind of food, anytime I would ‘help myself’ to what I wanted – I was in a point of fear… fear I would be caught, or what I was doing was bad, and I would be punished.

This is still existent within me when I notice certain things I do only when I’m home alone… if others are around, I avoid doing it. Now of course the judgment towards the behavior changes in degree. Some thing I do, like say I’m in a point of wanting to distract myself with TV series or movies rather than other more important things, I will go into judgment and assume another is judging me as well as doing something ‘bad’. And I realize this is a point of self-sabotage, because to binge on TV series or movies is a point of distraction - keeping me within a point of resistance, and so it is something I want to hide/keep from others, or not be seen doing it, because it's a point of self-dishonesty. Though this experience of judgment/fear towards what I do is not limited to only the dishonest acts.

For instance… I have just started a juice cleansing and I notice hesitation in talking about it with others, or sharing it openly… like it’s something bad or wrong that I’m doing, or that I will be judged for it.

Now I realize that it all boils down to self-honesty. The starting point implies SO MUCH in terms of who I am within what I am doing, and whether the act or behavior is in fact best for me and supportive. Though I can see, as a general experience of myself, I often have this experience whether it’s a self-honest point or not. So it’s like a point of self-restraint, fear of my own wants or needs, and assuming that no matter what I do, it’s wrong, bad, and I will be punished/looked down upon for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything I do as wrong or bad within a negative energy charge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that no matter what I do, it’s wrong and bad and somehow not good enough to some set of standards, and that overall I will be judged, looked down upon, or punished for doing what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as wrong, bad and punishable and to then from within this, assume and project all that I do is equal to that self-definition – what I create is in my image and likeness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hidden blame towards others as ‘they’ are the ones judging me or condemning for what I do and so I restrain myself, instead of taking complete self-responsibility in realizing that it’s MY decision, and MY behavior, and in the end MY own judgments, fears, and ideas. And so I could NEVER assume others think certain things about me, unless I’ve already thought them about myself… and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about me that are self-restraining, and detrimental, and like a containment wherein I keep myself locked within a specific space that I don’t dare move out of in fear of it being wrong, or bad, or seen as something not cool

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to OWN myself… meaning – to stand absolutely equal to what I do as a matter of fact, without fear or judgment or concern about what others think, but to instead do what I do without apologies or reservations and rather learn from my dishonesty's, and mistakes

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to act freely as an individual, to express who I would like to be, and to do what I would like to do and instead allow the dictation of my own mind as fears and judgments steer me within what I do, or to be a constant presence, like a monkey on my shoulder, if I do something I fear will be seen as unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the police man in my head that I’ve given complete authority to, to tell me what to do, what to think, what NOT to do, and how I must feel about what I do and say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never express freedom as living without fear, to not apologize for what I do or say, or how I express, and to rather embrace ME as who I am currently, and to always remain self-honest about what I do so that I will always know there is no just reason I could ever live in fear of judgment or punishment, as I see, realize, and understand that to live in self-honesty is to live purified and innocent, with always the consideration of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to my own ideas of what is right and wrong, what is good and bad, to live in polarity as the morality guidelines instead of investigating ALL things (including myself) and keeping only that which is good (best for all/me).

When and as I see myself judging and fearing what I do or say or express as being punishable, or bad, or wrong, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear is based on a self-definition that I am wrong, bad and punishable, and that I then project this idea unto others as what I've done to myself others will do to me as well, and so I commit myself to stop defining myself in detrimental ways and that prohibit from me expressing me as freedom, without fear, and within self-honesty... checking my starting point for all thought, words, and deeds to ensure I am in fact living purified and innocent so that I will always know and be able to OWN who I am in every moment and that I can stand by and live as that which I express as Me

I commit myself to become my own self-authority rather then allowing the mind as fears and judgments to direct who I am as what I express

I commit myself to change me so that what I create, as the image and likeness of me, is in fact best for all... that is always considering what is best for others and myself




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05 April 2016

450: Back to Basics in Creating Purpose

This morning I woke up with some resistance/depression. Last night I went to bed with reactions – I was emotional around the point of having ‘nothing to do’ with my life – so again, the point of purpose and direction.

I can see I am stilling missing ME – ME being the point of purpose, and direction, and stability.

So I woke up with depression, and was not feeling great at all… but I kept moving. I did my morning stuff, and even pushed through a resistance towards doing Pilates. It’s like that point I saw recently in a blog, in which I’ve seen for myself as well…. Asking yourself the question, will you regret not doing it when you said you would? That type of question supports in seeing what you are accepting and allowing… and so I pushed through the resistance, knowing I would regret it if I gave into the resistance, and indeed feel better at the moment. More stability.

So I am busy walking the to do list for today, and I realize that it’s a point of purpose I can gift to myself, of perfecting myself with what is currently here for me to do, and as a point of development/expanding because usually half the list I make up for myself I resist and end up only doing the first part. So to be able to direct myself through the list, completing it, and walking through it – I am gifting myself the practicing of self-direction, and becoming directive principle.

The point here is not to compare, because often I will think what I have to do, or what I make the list for me to do, I think isn’t enough, it isn’t substantial enough, “I’m not doing enough in my life” – though it’s a way forward, and a step in the ‘right’ direction so to speak… if I cannot perfect myself in such simple things I’ve decided upon now, how can I expect to take on more responsibility later, or as things open up and develop?

So work with what is here, and practicing perfecting self within it – without judgments on what you are doing. The things I do each day, or want to do each day, are small stepping stones that pave the way to a future me that is stable, strong, determined, self-willed, and disciplined. So that is currently I suppose what I am walking, and what I am practicing. It’s not about comparing yourself to other’s and their process… it’s about focusing on YOU and what YOU are doing… who YOU are – which is also been a weakness of mine. I’ve paid way more attention to those around me and what they are busy with then giving the appropriate attention and care to myself, and I’m sure that is where all the conflict comes from. It’s like a point of neglect… neglecting self because you are too concerned about what others are doing, and how that compares to you. That is a consequence I’ve seen in working with this purpose point, how much I’ve compared myself to others in and throughout my life and how that actually, quite drastically dis-empowers me. I’ve spent my precious time watching others, mimicking others, comparing myself to others, separating myself from others I’ve completely lost sight of the most important thing… ME. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to create? What of me is dishonest? What of me requires change? How can I grow? How do I want to experience myself? What do I want to bring to this world? How can I express my utmost potential?

So this questions can only be answered through a decision to walk one’s process for and as oneself – making SELF the priority as what one observe and question and investigate. When I’m looking at others, questioning others, observing others I am not standing in responsibility for me. Bring it back to self. The simple, basic tool I first learned when introduced to the Desteni Process. Bring it back to self. All is a reflection of ME – so what do I see in others… how does it actually exist in my life? There is a starting point of self-honesty.



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