09 December 2016

511: Feeling Improper

Today I noticed another aspect/dimension of an experience I have in relation to a family member. (see previous blog for more context). It was an experience in relation to the words proper, and improper. Obviously one having a positive energy definition to it, the other having the negative definition to it. And within the experience of feeling 'improper' or defining myself as 'improper', I experience inferiority, nervousness and fear.

I felt as if I did not live up to a certain expectation from me as per our social acceptances and allowances, and thus defined myself as being improper. And in this experience of being improper, went into fear, and attempted to 'make right' or 'make light' of my experiences as how I communicated with another. It's like physically I experienced myself as tense, and nervous, and anxious even, yet within that - still attempted to present a 'proper' image of myself as how I thought another expected me to be/behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as improper and to within this definition, attach a negative energy toward that word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ear being improper around person A as feeling I will be judged or condemned by them for being improper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/associate not being proper, or being improper, as being inferior/weak/lacking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I will be condemned and judged by others for being improper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on how others see/define/judge me

I forgive myself that I have separated myself from the words improper and proper by defining both words within/as an energy charge of polarity and as being positive and the other as negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being improper and so desire to be proper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must be ashamed of myself if I do not live up or live out social norms as social expectations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger an experience of inferiority, anxiety, fear and weakness when I define myself as being improper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define proper or being improper as something someone outside of me defines, as it must be according to them that I am living up to the standard of what is proper instead of redefining the word for myself and to live the word for myself that is real, substantial, and self-supportive, and not dependent on an external source as people in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly feel as thought I'm never being proper and thus feel I am lacking or not living up to a standard I should be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always attempt to please and appease others in an attempt to not be seen as improper, and so prevent any judgment or condemnations from others

When and as I see myself as judging myself as improper, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that how I currently defined being proper/improper is based on expectations from external sources, and so in my attempt to live up to what I believe is socially acceptable, I create experiences of inadequacy, inferiority, and weakness. I commit myself to thus stop living for outside/external expectations and rather work on creating a standard for myself within the context that is best for all - wherein I define proper to be that which considers all aspects of a situation within integrity, self-honesty, and based on principles that are treating others as i would like to be treated

When and as I see myself physically becoming tense, nervous, and experiencing myself as not being proper, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in such a physical state I have already accepted myself to go into and activate this belief that I must be or act a certain way as per societal expectations, and so I commit myself to slowing down in such moments, and not allowing myself to act out of this fear of begin inferior or being judged for being improper, and to rather ground myself, and the energy experience to rather move and express myself in a point of self-awareness, and not in attempting to 'save fave' and present a 'proper me'




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