18 November 2016

500: Willy-Nilly Living

Today I noticed some anxiety within me, and it was in relation to my permanent residency status in Canada. I've been waiting for a response for almost 8 months now, and while it could take up to two years, I did in a way expect to hear something by now.

Though the anxiety I can see is not in relation to not hearing a response, but more on who I was when submitting the application, and actually practical in that it is showing me a point in which I was dishonest with myself, and the application when it was submitted. At the time I was filling it out, I was here on a year's holiday work visa. However by the time I sent the application in, my status had changed. I knew this part of my application should have been changed as well, yet I allowed laziness, and a hope to direct me to just send it anyway, and hope for the best.

I can amend the residency application at any time, but for me the anxiety showed that it was something I was willy-nilly with... not absolutely accurate, and ensuring that it was exactly as it should be, or at least as me doing every I could to ensure it was how it should be, based on my understanding.

So I let it slide, kind of pushed it down inside of myself hoping it would just work itself out. I basically hoped someone would overlook it, and not pay attention to it, like I had not given it the proper attention when I was filling it out, and sending it in.

A lesson for me - to stop gambling with my life in the system... to ensure I'm doing everything I possibly can to not create consequences that could compromise me. For now it's just the anxiety as consequence I've created, but it's also a gift in showing me hey - this is a point I didn't direct properly, and now it's time to take responsibility and correct it.

So the amendment is being made, and I'm doing what I can now to ensure there are no loose ends. No more willy-nilly living!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be absolutely sure about my PR application when I sent it in, where I basically sent it out, and hoped for the best instead of ensuring absolute accuracy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope someone doesn't see a mistake I made and just ignores it, as I ignored the fact that I required to update information before submitting my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that my PR application needed updated information and instead allowed laziness rather than taking the extra time to ensure all information was accurate and up to date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gamble with my status here through allowing laziness to direct me in not updating the information on my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety as on outflow consequence of laziness, where I could no longer suppress my deception as being lazy and not updating the information on my application before I sent it out

When and as I see myself ignoring points of self-honesty by wanting to cut corners, and not give extra time to ensure up to date information and accuracy and rather gamble with it 'just being fine', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such self-dishonesty cannot forever be ignored and I will have to face it again at some point in my life - either as anxiety, or perhaps some more severe consequence. And so I commit myself to rather than creating consequences such as anxiety, or something worse, do what needs to be done each moment with my absolute direction and awareness, and self-honesty it is accurate and up to date and as it should be

I commit myself to stop gambling on things by doing them willy-nilly and instead invest in self-perfection to do absolutely everything and anything in my power I can within my utmost potential in any given moment - never letting anything slide, or be suppressed or ignored, but to rather practice directing myself, and each moment, within the best of my ability

Featured Artwork: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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