15 November 2016

498: Why I Want Special Attention When I'm Sick

The last few days I've had some sinus congestion, and what feels like a sinus infection, but really is more like extreme allergies. I have not been feeling my utmost physically.

Today as I was writing, I was looking at the point of how I have not been emotionally reacting to the sickness, rather continuing on my day to day tasks as usual, doing physically what I can while being sick. And to my surprise, was pretty much the same as when I'm not sick. I was reflecting on the cross-reference that was for me - in seeing no reaction towards the sickness, rather an embracing, and acceptance of what is.

As I continued reflecting on how I have not been emotionally reacting to the sickness, I could also seeing how I did go into a point of exaggerating the sickness within me when my partner would come home from work. Some whining, and attempts to get sympathy from him. So I opened this point up for myself a bit more, seeing how there was this subtle change within me where I wanted his attention and care while being sick - for being sick. And when he didn't cater to me as I wanted him to, I noticed a reaction of anger projected toward him.

I then opened this point up for myself more through self-forgiveness and the most fascinating thing happened. As each line of self-forgiveness was being applied, I would move deeper into this point... forgiveness for the desire of special attention and care, the expectation for special attention and care when sick, remembering when I was a kid and how I would imagine getting sick or hurt and having to go into the hospital, and wanting this to happen to get the attention and care from being in the hospital. So then I asked myself, where did I first define being sick/hurt as something positive where one could get special attention and care? And whala - a memory of me being maybe 3 or 4, in the hospital with pneumonia. I remember having visitors bringing me gifts, and being able to order food throughout the night, and getting to play in this giant red bath tub. This is actually a positive memory for me, where in being sick and in the hospital I got all the special attention and care I wanted, and thus here today I see I still attach being sick as something positive wherein I could desire, and expect, special attention and care.

To me this was a cool find within my mind because the point I started writing on, that opened this whole thing up, was not a major experience, or reaction. I would even call it slight, yet in digging deeper, and removing the layers I found a memory still influencing me today, through how I established a certain belief, and definition based on that past experience, and from that, forming expectations from others.

Thus a little lesson for us all... even the slightest, most subtle of experiences/reactions can reveal a memory still having an effect on us and who we are today.

The following is the self-forgiveness process I walked to uncover this memory:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within being sick when with my partner as a way to get him to take care of me and give me special attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate my partner into taking care of me and giving me special attention through exaggerating being sick through mostly whining

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through whining and exaggerating my sickness just to get special attention from my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want special attention from my partner through my sickness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to not getting what I want from my partner as special attention and treatment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize that the attention and care I want and expect from my partner is perhaps why I am sick in the first place - to see I require attention and care from myself as indicating from my body in sickness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define attention and care from others as being better than giving/living attention and care for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect attention and care from others before I expect it from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being sick as something to get attention, care, and sympathy from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate being sick or hurt as getting special attention and thus want to get sick or hurt in order to get attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire attention from others, no matter how I could get it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine getting sick, or hurt and being in the hospital and to attach positive feelings/energy to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the time I had to be in the hospital for pneumonia as positive because I had visitors bring me gifts, and I got late night snacks whenever I wanted, and I could play in a giant red bathtub and to thus define this as a fun time in my life and from this, desire for that experience again - of getting sick, being in the hospital, and getting special attention and care

When and as I see myself desiring special attention and care from others when I 'm sick, I stop and i breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this desire stems from a memory of being a kid in the hospital, and defining it as a positive experience and so wanting to re-create that experience of myself. I commit myself to let go of this past memory, as letting go of the past, and the definition that being sick = special attention and so no more creating a potential wherein I could fall sick just to get special attention and care.

When and as I see myself expecting special care and attention from others when I'm sick or not, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to expect this from others implies I"m not living/giving it myself and so I commit myself to give to myself more attention and care, as the source from which it is then real and matters the most. I commit myself to not get upset/angry when others are not giving me special attention or care, and rather see it as a gift as the realization that only I can give it and living it for myself

I commit myself to not expect form others what i"m not living myself

I commit myself to continue uncovering memories of my past, and releasing me form them, and the definitions and beliefs I've created from them, as letting go of the past, and thus able to walk without the influence of my past and so walk with the present





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