A couple blogs ago I shared this point I realized about myself in relation to a family member. Today while writing and speaking out some self-forgiveness on my experiences in relation to them, I realized an interesting thing.
What I was accepting and allowing of myself was this diminished weakling where I was in a constant state of fear, cautious, and even anticipation of this person unleashing some emotional reaction... so like an experience of anxiety of wanting to be careful so to no 'wake the beast.'
This experience I have has been created throughout my life, based on childhood memories with this person. I accepted and allowed myself to be within a point of fear, and intimidation by this family member, and the experience still persists now, even as a woman in my 30's.
So while I was working on releasing myself from this point of inferiority/fear, I realized I was reacting and in fear of this family member's projected persona. They projected themselves as tough, and strong, and almost like the judge and the punisher. They were the one condemning, and anyone that got in their way of their righteous rule, would have hell to pay. lol - that is a bit to the extreme of the design, but it is how I experienced being around this person. Accepting something is wrong with me, having to be better, and having to be damn careful not to piss this person off. Though what was I missing? Seeing beyond the facade.
I was reacting to a projection of this person... the image they present of 'who they are', but that is in fact not actually who they are, as it is just a projection. Like a screen put up to hide the real face of who this person is, and in a way even to protect their real self. So I realized in order to understand WHY my family member is the way they are, I must see beyond what is being portrayed.
But in order for me to understand them, I must first understand me, and my participation, and so responsibility, of how the relationship between the two of us exists. As I accept and allow myself to take the diminished/wrong/not good enough/little weakling position in relation to them, I am only supporting their projected presentation of themselves. I am in that, playing the game. I realize that while this family member projects this tough character, it's not really who they are. And in fact could imply they are the opposite. They are the little girl in me they are criticizing and shaming.
I have for a long time in my life reacted to this family member... never wanting to be around them when I was a kid, and over time feeling guilty for the manipulation tactics imposed on me, and even now, a subtle shift within who I am when around them as being careful/cautious/scared to not do something wrong, and to be better as to not unleash the emotion reactions of this person. I have throughout my life accepted and allowed myself within such a position, and so equally accepted and allowed this family member to be in such a position.
What would happen if I stopped, and stood equal? What would happen if I stopped caring, and stopped fearing them? What would happen if I would call them out on their manipulation? What would happen if I no longer participated in the game?
This is what we currently accept and allow within the family constructs. Certain personality types, and behavioral patterns, and projected personas that only hide our real selves, that we think we must protect, or defend or keep hidden. We aren't real with each other, we only enslave each other to continue living out the same destructive behaviors that sustain our current relationships of inequality, separation, and abuse.
So today I realized the actual responsibility I have to not only myself, but my family as well, to stop and stand up, and no longer accept and allow myself to play the game, to play the character that validates the characters of others. I can no longer hold the inferior position so that another can feel superior. I can no longer diminish myself so that another feels empowered. That is not real power, that is not real empowerment, we are only fooling ourselves.
The following are the self-forgiveness statements that supported in the above realizations... if you read, read out loud, and enjoy!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel small within/as myself around E
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience intimidation around E
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by E due to past memories of them coming down/criticizing me for doing something wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become cautious within myself when around E, worried they will become upset with me if I say something they don't like, or do something they don't like
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something wrong around E, as how they define it, to feel I have to be so careful as to not piss them off
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pissing E off
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a diminishment within/as myself when around E
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think something is wrong with me when I'm around E, and believe I must be careful and cautious in what I say as to not 'wake the beast'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment and condemnation from E
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea that there is something wrong with me, and I must be better than who I am based on past moments with E where they would criticize me, my look, my dress, my hair, and even how I would use kitchen utensils, and accept me as faulty and needing to be better
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and take it personally when E would criticize me, accepting the idea that I am not good enough and must change to be better
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically tense and stiff when with E, as if I'm on the edge and prepared for something to go wrong, and their vengeance be released unto me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about everything I say or do when around E within the idea that what I say or do is somehow bad, or wrong, or not good enough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck in the past, as experiencing myself as a powerless little girl, subject to the whims of E's emotional reactions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must feel ashamed for who I am, what I decide to do within my life, who I hang out with, and what I do within my day to day living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to E's questions and tonality within interpreting it as their position being accusatory and immediately feel as though I must defend myself from their judgment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power and authority to E as them being the one that is right simply based on my fear of them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated and indebted to E, without knowing even why, simply accepting this experience towards them and thus feel constantly like I must 'make up for something' or repay what has been given to me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the projected personas of people, specifically E's projection of themselves as the judge, and the punisher, and the one everyone is indebted to, as the ultimate authority of what is right and wrong, and to within this, support that within them by playing the part of the judged, the condemned, the one that is bad/unworthy and to accept such a diminished position within/as me in relation to them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe E can harm me or diminish me, instead of realizing I accept that or not within/as myself
I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to understand the design of E, as the projected persona, as being one that must criticize, judge, and manipulate others to get power and control
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by E as how they place their words and tonalities to think and believe I must feel shame, or diminished for who I am realizing I wouldn't be manipulated if I wasn't already manipulating myself in some way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give E the power and control of me by changing me when around them instead of realizing it is within my power and control as to what I accept and allow that determines how I experience myself
When and as I see myself reacting negatively towards E, as feeling diminished, weakened, bullied, criticized, judged, or manipulated to feel guilty as indebted to them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that within such an allowance i am completely giving up my power and control of me, unto a power and authority separate from myself and so I commit myself to stop separating myself from my own self-power and self-authority, and to practice breathing, and standing stable, and EQUAL to E as not allowing myself to become less then/inferior to them through fear
When and as I see myself fearing E's reactions, judgments, or wrath, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that no harm can actually come from me from E, it's simply what I accept and allow and so I commit myself to stop participating in fear and rather move to understand as to WHY they react, judge, or impose a wrath unto others. I commit myself to let go of the fear I've carried within me since I was a child through no longer allowing myself to participate in the fear when around E
When and as I see myself feeling tense, or anxious around E as expecting them to judge, criticize or condemn me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the projected persona of E is not real, just like my experience of being inferior, judged, condemned when around them isn't real. And so I commit myself to stop playing the game as supporting the projected person of E through accepting my position of the projected persona I activate when around them. I commit myself to letting go of the facades and to instead get real - to see them for who they really are, through the eyes of understanding and forgiveness, and to also stand up within myself to see them as my equal, no longer allowing myself to be diminished around them
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