12 November 2016

495: The Reality of One Word - 30 Days of Blogging - Day 29

Earlier today I had a reaction come up within me in relation to something another person said. It was just one word that really irked me, and so I did some writing on it, to open it up and see where the reaction was coming from.

I was playing with a few dimensions I could see that were within the reaction, though nothing was really hitting it on the nose, where I could see Yes! That's the point! So I stopped, and discussed it a bit with my partner, as a point of cross-referencing, and him as my soundboard. As we opened it up more in discussion I saw some other dimensions of the reaction yet it still wasn't moving, meaning - when writing out or speaking out a reaction, or experience, when you really get to the core of the point it releases and opens up within you, and there is like this point of stability and clarity that emerge. Though again, it wasn't really moving in this direction. So my partner suggested I do some more writing on it.

In that moment, I felt suspended, and also resistant. I didn't want to go back into the writing of it, partially because I didn't want to put more 'effort' into it, being that I already written multiple pages on it, and spoke on it. So I wanted to put it away for the moment. As I sat there, I could see my experience was to stop writing, and pick it up again later. But the moment was here to see if I could uncover some more aspects of the reaction, in attempt to get more understanding. So I took a breath, and moved myself to go back into writing, despite the experience saying 'I don't want to write'.

As I wrote the first few words, I realized there was this like jumbled experience within me, where in a way I wanted to like lash out, and really let it out of me, but my tendency within writing is to keep it structured, and even filter it through a point of self-responsibility, to ensure I'm not blaming, or attacking, and while I see this is cool, I don't often let myself to really just purge myself within writing. I realized I was needing to rant and rave, to just allow this point to be unleashed through me, and unto the paper, as a point of firstly just getting it out. In ranting and raving you let go of the filters, and really allow yourself to place the darker, more hidden stuff that isn't pretty or pleasant to see - but it's the truth of what's in your mind. And with it put into words on paper, you can see what it is you are actually dealing with in terms of the nature of the reaction.

So I ranted, and I raved, and I got it all out. And when I was done, I was empty. And what was left was a more specific description of what I was projecting onto another as the words I wasn't living. Power, authority, recognition, consideration. These were all things I was upset this other person wasn't giving to me, or showing to me, that is was 'lacking' within their relationship toward me. And in that I could see... okay, where am I not giving myself and living power, authority, recognition, and consideration? Where am I not hearing me, seeing me, and considering me?

It was interesting to see how one word was actually a door into seeing more of me, a door to self-intimacy. And in this opportunity as a door to walk through to see more of me, there was also a moment of real-time change. To continue pushing, to open it up, and not give in at a moment where my experience was suspended in time, and I resisted to continue walking through it, and wanting to put it away for another day. In changing in this moment as NOT allowing myself to postpone, I saw parts of me, as living words, that I can gift back to myself. First my for-giving-me those words in how I've defined them as something another must give me, and secondly re-defining them as how I can practically live them as an expression of myself. And of course the ranting and raving - allowing myself to just get it all out, in one go, without hesitation or expectation... just writing! Revealing the whole reality within ourselves within just one word.

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