physical ache, like an upset stomach, or cramps or anything, yet I felt it physically like a hole in my stomach. I did not experience energy anywhere else in my body, except this pit in my stomach.
So I looked at it, within myself, to see what it was. I had just eaten dinner, but it wasn't from the food. I asked myself within myself, "what is this," and placde my hand on my stomach. I saw immediately it was guilt. Guilt was manifested as this hollowed out hole in my stomach.
So then I looked at what the guilt was specifically in relation to, and I could see it was in relation to my father. And so I asked myself why - why do I experience guilt in relation to my father? The point that came up was within the words he spoke of, "when our we going to have our day - you've been so busy making plans with others."
While I don't recall reacting in that moment of hearing those words, it rather revealed, as this manifested guilt in my stomach, the realization of what I had been accepting and allowing.
Some background... while visiting my family in Minneapolis, I had set up mini-dates with friends and family throughout the week. Though with my father specifically I had not. And while I have been spending time with him here and there since I've arrived in town, I have not specifically intended to spend any 'alone' time with him - just him and I. I actually wanted to have others with us, I suppose you could say I was hesitant and resistant to being alone with him, feeling more comfortable being in a group with him.
What was revealed through his words was how I was being inconsiderate - oh so inconsiderate. My experience was that of keeping an arms-length distance from him, not intending or planning to spend any time alone with him. Keeping us busy in a way with errands, and appointments, and things we had to do, and making sure my mother was around for when he wanted to have dinner together. My experience was the only thing I saw, I did not in any way consider him or what he wanted, or what would actually be best, not only for me, but for him as well.
And so you have guilt. Guilt because I did not consider him, and I selfishly only considered myself. And I felt bad. Not bad in that I was in judgment of myself for what I've done, bad in the sense of I was being dishonest, I did not consider another as I would like to be considered, I did not honor him, or what he would like. I only thought of myself. And so I created myself within/as guilt and shame as I did not honor what is real - what is here - life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of only myself, my experience, what i want, and within that, not consider others in what they want, and what their experience is, and what they need to be supported with
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist hanging out alone with my dad as not wanting to deal with or face any experiences I have within me in relation to him - in that being selfish in only wanting to protect and defend myself, not wanting to face myself, and not considering what consequences I could create in allowing this for another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no intentions of spending time alone with my father while visiting Minneapolis as a deliberate point of dishonesty wherein I accepted a resistance and avoidance in not wanting to face myself as who I am in relation to him, and all that I experience in relation to him
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest guilt within/as my physical body in not seeing, realizing, and understanding how my actions and non-actions effect other people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my father without question, and simply accept that my resistance towards him is valid and real instead of investigating WHAT specifically I am resisting and to within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a consequence effect for others wherein perhaps one could feel left out, abandoned, and dismissed all due to my unwillingness to take responsibility to face, and forgive who I am in relation to my father that I instead resisted
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create manifested guilt within me as an outflow consequence to who I am before I decide to see what I'm accepting and allowing, realizing it's not what is best for all, and so change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to spend time alone with my father, because in that, I'm alone with myself as who I am in relation to him
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss another when I dismiss my responsibility to myself as facing, directing, and forgiving relationships within me I have towards people in my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to honor the experiences within me as emotions and feelings rather than honoring another human being
When and as I see myself resisting, and avoiding spending time with specific people, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to not investigate the resistance and avoidance towards others implies I am not investigating what I'm resisting and avoiding within myself and so I commit myself to realize the responsibility I have to investigating myself as resistances and avoidance, to ensure I do not create harm unto others through who I'm accepting and allowing myself to be
I commit myself to treat others as I would like to be treated in that I would like to not be dismissed or ignored due to another person's resistance or avoidance as not taking responsibility for themselves
I commit myself to stop blaming others for my experiences of resistance and avoidance to them, as me acting out the resistance and avoidence - suggesting THEY are the cause, rather than realizing it's not actually about them but what they gift me with seeing into and as me
I commit myself to realize that that which I resist in another is that which I resist within myself and so to use other's as the gift of self reflection
I commit myself to stop dismissing myself, and so others
I commit myself to stop creating guilt as the manifested consequences of what I accept and allow such as not honoring others equally, and valuing who they are within this world, and what I can learn from them
I commit myself to expand my considerations to others besides myself as I see, realize, and understand that to see only me, and consider only me as what I want, and what I experience, I miss a whole reality wherein my actions effects others
I commit myself to taking responsibility for how me and my life and my actions and my decisions influence and effect others - how who I am has a ripple effect within/as this world
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing what is only best for myself, and to rather expand my consideration into what is best for ALL
I commit myself to realizing that it's not about what I want, but rather who I am and so I commit myself to ensure I am acting in ways that are of self-honest - not lying, or deceiving, or hiding, or resisting me but rather facing, and forgiving, and directing, and walking through that which I've created in separation of me
I commit myself to humble myself in letting go of resentments and blame towards others, take responsibility for me, and to connect with my fellow human beings in a way that is real, without the games of the mind, and the influence of my emotional experience
I commit myself to honor others as I would like to be honored
I commit myself to include others as I would like to be included
I commit myself to value others as I would like to be valued
I commit myself to see others as I would like to be seen
I commit myself to participate with others as how I would like others to participate with me
I commit myself to seeing all life that is HERE and that is EQUAL
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