Before I started participating within the Desteni Group - I wasn't very active. I didn't have much direction in my life - I was very much stuck in my comfort zone, without ever really exploring ideas of how to branch out and really develop and expand myself. I was stuck in simply the satisfaction of relationships, and going about the usual business of living a quiet life without questioning myself or my existence.
When I started participating within the Desteni group - I became much more active within responsibilities, and within this, I defined myself as good, and doing well, and had a positive experience within this because well, I was busy. Since then I have flipped back and forth from the negative to the positive experiences of this point, which of course is the nature of energy and polarity.
So a big problem firstly within this is defining myself according to what I do. If I do more things in the day, or in the month, or in my lifetime, then somehow that makes me an awesome person worth celebrating, and to feel good about myself. That that somehow implies I'm living my utmost potential. If I do not do as much, perhaps not excelling as much as others, or struggling with habits of laziness or even depression or being unmotivated... then I can feel bad about myself, feel like a failure, and even feel little self-worth.
This is something I've allowed of myself. When I am more 'productive' in my day, I feel much better about myself. If I fall into an experience of lethargy or feeling low and do less in a day, I feel very shitty about myself. So everything in terms of my self-worth and acceptance is dictated by what I do... not who I am.
This is a problem because if I forever define myself according to what I do, then I am only a slave to what I do. I am always subject to needing something to do to sustain this idea of my self worth. What if I were in a different life and had less opportunities I do now, less money, less education, living in a war torn country, and I was unable to practically do more than living for survival... then what? Is that a failure because one cannot do more beyond their means? Or simply someone doing what they can to survive - working with what is here.
So I see I need to adjust some self definitions here within/as me because I am tired of the flip flopping of this polarity experience within me in relation to what I do or don't do.
What matters is who I am. Everything should be determined by who I am... not what I do. What I do is just a presentation one can use to present self as an image that will get acceptance from others.. but ultimately it's me I must live with so rather I be satisfied with who I am, instead of just what I do.
Another problem within this point is that when I am doing something, and defining myself according to what I do as being good/productive, and so worthy - I tend to rush through what I am doing, really to just get the end goal, which is the completion of some task or responsibility. In that, I am not engaging fully and unconditionally with what I am doing, and so who I am within that is just one seeking the end-result validation, absence from the activity, and instead looking for recognition.
The more I do doesn't mean the more I am. The less I do doesn't mean the less I am. The who I am is the only thing that matters. Who I am is what ripples within/as this world. That is the real effect within reality.
I have for awhile understood this knowledge - that it's not what I do that defines me, but rather who I am.. yet I find I still experience that desire to do more to be more, and when I do less, feel less. So I will in blogs to come continue to work on this point, and align it within the principles that are best for all/me.
OH! Just a point here as I finished up the blog, a Great example of this point. I often look at how much I have written as a point of self-validation and acceptance... does it seem like a lot? If so, Then it's okay. lol.. here's the thing. I could write a whole book saying absolutely nothing. And then write a paragraph so profound it could change someones life. It's the substance that matters... not how much you do, but what you write. Not the length of it, rather what's being said. So that is a cool point to see here. It's absolutely NOT about what I do in this Life.. it's about WHO I AM within ALL that I do.
Okay - tomorrow then.
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