got older and into my twenties I started going more actively on auditions and even getting jobs here and there – a commercial, a couple runway shows, and a hair show. After awhile of this I decided it wasn’t really something I actually wanted to do – though while I was in it, I thought I could really make a name for myself, and use that position to bring awareness to the world about things that really mattered. I wouldn't abuse my position of power, I would use it as a force of good for the world.
But then I decided against it because ultimately I felt as though I was chasing a dream that wasn't mine, and didn't express who I really was, and once I did that, for awhile feeling free of letting go of that direction or purpose in my life, I also in time started to feel directionless and without purpose, not knowing what I should do or where I should direct my life.
Then I found desteni and within that, found a sense of purpose and direction within myself. It was taken out of the existential view and focused more on my day to day living – working on changing behaviors and habits that I could see were self-destructive, within fear or self interest, and did not serve what was best for me or what was best for all. So that was my direction and my purpose… to walk my process of self-change.
Though now almost 7 years later and I’m finding a similar experience coming up that I had before finding desteni. Without direction or purpose, unsure and uncertain of ‘where’ to go, what to invest myself and my time into, what niche I would work best in. And it’s been an emotional point for me, feeling lost or stuck, like I’m wandering with no where to go or unsure and uncertain of myself and my future.
While I realize purpose or direction doesn’t exist outside of me, say in a job or relationship, or place I live, I tend to still react in looking outward for some purpose or direction. And within that, judging what I am doing at the moment – what currently exists as my life, judging it as not enough, not substantial enough, and that I am actually missing out on some opportunity.
I realize also that when one is busy with emotional reaction, you cannot really see what is right in front of you, you are blind in a way to your life and the various dimensions of opportunities to develop that exist.
Though as I say I realize this, I actually realize that it’s not something I am yet living because I still go into emotions around it. I still experience a void or lack of purpose in my life. I still feel like I’m waiting for something.
What is quite interesting about this is when I found Desteni, it was like what I learned and the principles and tools I could apply – the process in itself – filled that void. I did stop looking outward and started taking responsibility inward, and that responsibility I saw I had not only to myself, but life as a whole in equality and oneness, was what I thought my purpose was. Though I can see that point is not standing within me.. it has faded and I’m left with the same experience I had 7 years ago. What is my purpose in this life?
I wonder how many people experience this as well – how many people don’t have a specific direction or goal or gift or skill they can utilize as a point of purpose in their life. Or how many people are told, as I once was, what their purpose or direction was without asking themselves if that is what they really want… if that actually represents who they really are.
I do see, realize, and understand that I will not find purpose or direction outside of ME… that it can only flow from me as an expression of myself as the process I have walked and am walking… a natural unfolding. So for now, I will stop and I breathe. I will take this one day at a time… investigate the word purpose and direction, get to know how I’ve come to define myself in relation to these words, and how I can align myself and those words to be of an equilibrium and a practical, livable understanding. So this is the process I am currently taking on and embracing, creating it as my current purpose. Committing myself to bring myself back to myself as self-purpose and self-direction.
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