11 January 2016

437: Let Me Explain

Recently I made a statement while with my partner that I would like to call into question. We were meeting the commissioner that will marry us, and she was asking about the ceremony we would like – would I be wearing a dress, how many people would be attending, and if we had rings. When asked if we were going to exchange rings, we said no, and then I added, “We are young and poor.”

I was looking at this statement the whole day afterward, considering the implication of my words and how I am living... or they are living words within/as my life. “We are young and poor.”

There are a couple points I can see within this I see as important to address. I will open the first point up in this blog tonight, which is:

First point, and most obvious to me (as it's come up a few times recently) is the explanation I feel is needed. Meaning – my partner and I are not going about getting married in the traditional sense. There is no rings, there is no wedding dress, there is so expensive reception, or a long-drawn out ceremony. We are keeping it as practical as possible, because quite simply – being married for us is practical. So then why do I feel the need to give a reason attempting to explain why we are not doing things traditionally – like having rings to exchange?

“We are young and poor.” Well yes, one aspect of not having rings is because we don’t have the funds to allocate to such a purchase at the moment, and luckily, neither of us feel as though having rings defines our relationship or the commitment of marriage – it’s simply a symbol and at the moment, our funds are prioritized elsewhere. So then why do I need to explain that – “we are young and poor.”

I can see that in relation to getting married, and in general walking my process, being part of the desteni group, walking within principles and sharing what I do seems a bit ‘out of the norm’ and being ‘out of the norm’ is almost as if you are looked at differently, at least that’s been my experience. It takes consistency to break the walls of certain stigmas, and this is just the latest I feel I must explain.

I don’t want people to think we’re (I’m) weird, or to look questionably at me – to wonder why I’m doing what I’m doing, or saying what I’m saying. It’s like a fear of being seen as different, or weird, or anything out of the norm/traditional… not wanting to go against the crowd in a way – not wanting to stand out or be seen as something suspicious, as generally we judge/ridicule/dismiss/question anything that is not familiar or comfortable to us.

So a fear of being different, and feeling like I must defend myself – that I must justify my actions, or explain myself to others. When in reality – if I was clear within my starting point – within who I am, and not giving value to the outside world's perception of me, I am certain it would not matter, I would not feel like I must justify and explain myself, as I know myself, and why I’m doing what I’m doing. No explanation - just the decision, and action.

This is another aspect/dimension of a fear of others and how they see/perceive me, which I wrote about earlier this week, as well as frequently throughout my process. Quite the point – the energy, and value and attachment/importance I’ve given to what others think. This is a problem because obviously, when one depend on other’s acceptance or fear another’s judgment, placing value on this, then one become a slave to others – always seeking validation outside/separate from oneself, and always abdicating responsibility one has to themselves.

So that is what is necessary for me – the solution if you will. Continue to stop caring/giving value/giving importance to the thoughts of others, and establish the self-relationship that is supportive, caring, honoring self-honesty, and responsible within who I am, as thought, word, and deed. That is the one being in which I should care what they think - that is the being I must walk an eternity with... myself. There is no time to worry about what others think or don't think - I have my own thoughts to worry about/clean up – and after all, my thought of what others think are merely thoughts I think about myself, or have thought about towards others, so no matter which way you spin it – I am responsible.

I will continue this in the next blog.

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