22 November 2015

429: Consider Something New - Living Forgiveness

This is a continuation from the previous blog - here writing out and committing to how I can and will change in a moment in relation to reacting to another's reaction towards me, and the pattern of 'same old, same old.'

When and as I see myself wanting to automatically react to another when they react to me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my ‘wanting to react’ is just a reaction, and that it’s my responsibility to stop, as well as taking responsibility for reacting in the first place, as the trigger that caused another to react in the first place. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself when a reaction to another's reaction occurs by breathing and not participating/going into the reaction

When and as I see myself projecting images of past moments of conflict with another within my mind as a point of ‘here we go again’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that it doesn’t have to be a ‘here we go again’, and that I can in fact change in that moment and so I commit myself to change in such a moment by breathing, not participating in any reactions within myself, and to be patient as to allow another to stop reactions within themselves, within this taking responsibility for me and for what we create together, as my participation

When and as I see myself reacting towards a reaction of another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow myself to react is to not be humble, and to not take responsibility for myself in this moment as to prevent a perpetuation of a cycle created when we BOTH react towards each other’s reactions and so I commit myself to rather stop and breathe in such a moment, be patient, let it be, and allow them to communicate with me when they're ready to communicate and thus prepare myself to also communicate without reaction, and so without further conflict/friction between us

When and as I see myself wanting to stay in a reaction towards another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is a clear red flag that I am not taking responsibility for myself, and rather wanting to express a self-righteousness that exists within blame towards another and to be completely innocent in the matter. I commit myself to rather than blaming, taking responsibility for myself, let go of the desire/want to be upset/angry/stay in the reaction and instead decide to create a new moment, and a new play out that does not have the same outcome as previous moments of conflict/friction

When and as I see myself reacting to another, and wanting ‘them’ to be sorry first – to make the first move, and so existing within a point of stubbornness and self-interest/righteousness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow such a point is to not live forgiveness, and to not be an example for others, as well as myself, as what it means to live forgiveness and change. I commit myself to lead by example by being the first to forgive – forgiving myself for the initial reaction, and for another for reacting or any perceived ‘wrong doing’ towards me, and instead allow myself to live change in the real time moment, creating something new in this moment, within me, within my life, within my interactions with others, and so in this world as a whole

When and as I see myself thinking and believing/participating in the ‘want to be upset’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this indicate a belief that such a ‘want’ is real, and valid and that I should trust it, rather than realizing it’s a point of self-interest that does not exist within  point of understanding, forgiveness, what is best for all, or practical change from consciousness to awareness and so I commit myself to breathe through the desire to be upset, let go of the belief that such an experience is real, and rather see what is real and that is an opportunity to transcend a part of me that rather be upset then forgive, understand, and change – I commit myself to perfecting the ability to be self-directive.



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08 November 2015

428: Same Old Story - Same Old Reactions

Today a moment came up that has come up many times. One reaction in one person leads to a reaction in another person, which triggers another reaction in the first person... and so on, and so forth until eventually, the two stubborn parties finally take responsibility for themselves and peace is once again restored. Here realizing I will have to be the one to stop first, and change first, as the principle of self-responsibility, change, and what is best for all. Forgiveness followed on the point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's reaction towards me - seeing another become angry, upset, or frustrated by me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to automatically go into a reaction towards another just because they went into a reaction towards me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stop and consider the responsibility I had initially when I accepted and allowed myself to express within a reaction, which was the trigger for another's reaction in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically react to another's reaction towards me like, “oh – here we go again” and to within this, replay past moments and project a similar play out to come from this moment without considering that the past play outs existed as they did because of my participation, and rather I can stop, breathe and direct myself to NOT react and instead be patient towards another and be ‘here’ when they are able to communicate without a reaction

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself as not allowing a reaction towards another's reaction, and instead rather let it be, be patient, breathe, let it go and allow them to communicate with me when they are ready – in that, being prepared to not be in reaction myself, as to not perpetuate the same conflict over and over again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the same play out, and thus anticipate the same outcome in a moment of reaction towards another – expecting the ‘same old, same old’ to happen again instead of allowing this to be a moment where I decide to rather direct myself to NOT participate in the play-out reaction energy game

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a 'want to stay upset' or reaction, as holding onto an idea about myself being right, and thus wanting to express my righteousness and blame another for them reacting, as if it’s ALL their fault, completely and absolutely and I am completely and absolutely innocent

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to live forgiveness – as seeing an opportunity in a moment to NOT react to another’s reaction towards me, and to instead FORGIVE in the moment, breathe, let go and move on as not perpetuating the ‘same old story’ over and over again as the repeating behaviors and patterns that reacting to other’s reactions causes

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider living as an example for another, in ME being the one to stop first, to not react first, to forgive first…. Instead of waiting for the other to ‘be sorry’ or to attempt to ‘make it right’, and not move until they do so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I will have to be the one, eventually, at some point, inevitably, who forgives and moves on, become humble and decides to not continue participating in the same old reactions that produce the same old scenario

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that this want to ‘be upset’ and blame another for reacting towards me is valid and real – instead of realizing it’s a point of self-interest that does not exist within a point of understanding, of forgiveness, or of practical change and thus is NOT best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to practically change in a moment, as a REAL moment of change, because of an energy of self interest that desires to be RIGHT rather than existing within a principle that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live what is best for all when I allow a reaction within me towards another who is reacting, instead of realizing that I will have to stop at some point, so what better time then now

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to live unconditional forgiveness in every moment, so that I am never contemplating whether I will change, or whether I will ‘let go’ any reactions within me, or debating on whether I will live what is best for all, and instead simply LIVE IT, as who I am, as an expression of me, in every moment of breath

Self commitment statements in the blog to follow...



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07 November 2015

427: What Moving to a New Country Revealed about Me

Today I realized, or more so finally admitted to myself, that my previous stability the last few years was completely dependent upon my environment and the routine I had set up for myself. Before I moved to Canada – I was pretty sure of myself in terms of my process – what I was doing, where I was going, and overall, the experience of myself. I was certain I could trust myself and that I would do whatever was necessary to be done to support myself within my process (that which I face within my life).

Though since moving to a new country, a new environment, starting a new job and overall completely uprooting myself from ‘what I know’, I have felt a collapse within myself, like I have completely failed. This is due to the experience of myself being all over the place. I have faced so many new points, and faced myself essentially in new situations, and I was not prepared to the extent I thought I was. It’s been more than 6 months and I can finally say that the stability I had created for myself in Minneapolis was completely dependent on that comfort zone – of the city I had always lived in, of the job I had for more than 10 years, of the people I would see every day. Take all that away, do “I” as the self-stability, stand?

No. That is what I have found.

So this is not to go into shame or self-pity, although that has been part of my experience since being here in Canada. The point is to admit it to myself – to be self-honest about it – is the first step to directing/changing it.

I wasn’t allowing myself to see that I had created a dependent relationship towards my environment for my stability. I ‘needed’ that environment to be stable in a way. Because once I was removed from that environment, everything changed within me. I changed – I, from my perspective, fell. So I was not standing on a solid foundation. I was standing on a false foundation that was held up by an environment I had become so accustom to.

And so before admitting this to myself, being self-honest about that, that I had created a stability that would not stand the test of time, that was in fact separate from me, I was thinking I was a failure, a fuck up – and that ‘this place’ was the problem. This place meaning where I am living now, and the work I am currently doing. I thought ‘it’ was to blame, when in truth, in reality – it is me. I was not my own self-stability – I was not standing stable within myself.

It’s like the ever-supporting analogy of the eye of the tornado/storm. To be self-stable is to be the eye of the tornado. No matter what is going on around you, and outside of you, you remain quiet, here, present, stable. Though as the tornado manifested of me moving countries and getting a new job, and living in a new place – the eye crumbled and I was enveloped in the chaos around me. Though the chaos was more within me – though yes, physical changes were happening – I had many reactions to the changes.

Going back to the moral of this story… self honesty. I could not admit this to myself before, that the stability I experienced prior to moving to Canada was not self-created, and self-sustained – it was dependent on ‘where’ I was. I couldn’t admit this because it would call for me to face the fact that what I experienced before I moved was not real… that I did not actually create a solid foundation within myself, that I actually had deceived myself in believing that “I had changed who I am within my environment” – when really, all I did was learn to create a routine I was comfortable in. and now I would have to do it over/do it again.

Here though a window of opportunity. For me to actually now, seeing and realizing, and admitting it to myself, I am able to actually change it and create the stability within me. To realize that stability does not come from where I live, or with whom I’m around, or where I work… that it must in fact come from me, so that no matter where I end up, I am here. The ‘I am’ being the self-honest, self-awareness of who I am as Life.

So rather pointing the finger of blame, or of feeling like a failure, and judging myself for ‘fucking up’ due to a vast difference in my experience over the past 6 months, rather get to a point of self honesty. What changed and why? Admitting to oneself that one is in fact responsible for ALL that goes on within oneself and the cause/source/origin is within self to find and correct.










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